BPDFamily.com

Hey, y'all. Haven't posted in a long time, mainly because things have been manageable for the most part. A little background: we've been together for five years now, lived together for most of it, coming up on a year living apart. We'd agreed on some guidelines for a therapeutic separation, but not always adhered to them very well (trouble finding an appropriate therapist, among other things). She's been in a DBT program for about six months, though she feels like she isn't getting much out of it.

We've been trying to do date nights once a week, though some have them have exploded within minutes of seeing each other again, in which case I would end the date, leave, and we'd try again next week.

We had a great date night last week, consciously pulled out of some destructive old patterns early on, and really felt some of that old connection and intimacy. We were both left with a lot of hope and optimism at that point.

Today, we didn't really fight, but just didn't get that connected feeling, which left us both feeling really sad. I know we've disconnected and re-connected enough that this shouldn't be too alarming, even if it doesn't feel that great at the moment. However, it seems that her experience has left her more distraught, like we're never going to feel connected again, which just leaves her (and me too, to be honest), feeling worse.

Can anyone offer some suggestions or insight that might help us out? Also, is object permanence something that can be learned or developed, or is that just something that's never going to change?

Hi Dogman75,

Aah, object permanence.  That's a familiar problem, I'm sorry to say.  The best advice I can think of is validation.  You can talk about that last time when you really did connect.  Acknowledge that what you two are doing is hard.  That is is normal for any relationship to have "on" days and "off" days.  If you think she can handle it, maybe talk about what was different between the good date and so-so date.  Was it the mood one or both of you was in beforehand?  External stressors?  She may not be up for troubleshooting, but you can also do that on your own.  Can you think of any potential differences?

In any event, I think validation may be your best friend here.  And a little positive spin.  Not so much that she thinks you're BS'ing, but tell her how much you appreciated spending time with her, and how much you're looking forward to the next time.

Wentworth