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SD14 and SS13's great grandmother (on uBPDm's side) died recently. uBPDm hasn't talked to her grandmother or really anyone in her family in years. DH communicates with the family so he sat the kids down and told them and comforted them. uBPDm sent SD14 a text after bedtime on a school night to tell her (and expected her to tell her brother) so DH was really glad he told them first and was there for them. The whole situation was very triggering for uBPDm and when she found out the kids were going to the funeral she raged at everybody. Particularly SD14.

All of the sudden SD14's blinders came flying off! Between her mom raging at her and going to the funeral and reconnecting with family her mom wouldn't let her see her entire attitude and perception has taken a sudden shift. She is very angry at her mom, is sick of being "asked so many questions" all the time. She is tired of being called a liar and raged at when she knows she has done nothing wrong. SD14 is also upset because her uBPDm gets mad at her for not calling and texting enough, but doesn't initiate any communication herself. Then uBPDm complains to SD that uBPDm "is the only one trying" to maintain a relationship, when it doesn't appear to SD14 that her mom is trying at all. This all came flying to the surface and SD14 is just really hurt and angry and feels like her mom is doing things to psh her away while at the same time claiming it's SD14 that is the one pushing uBPDm away.

The current court agreement states that the kids must call uBPDm twice a week. The kids know this. But SD14 doesn't want to talk to her mom right now and doesn't want to tolerate being raged at. I'm trying to help her come up with sensible boundaries, but first she is struggling with wanting me to help her figure out how to make her mom act better. I'm struggling with how to appropriately explain to this kid that boundaries are her only chance and that she can't change her mom but can only learn tools to help her navigate the relationship. She is feeling pretty stuck and hopeless.

I'm looking for thoughts on tools and healthy coping mechanisms. I've obviously been praying for this for a long time, but now I'm also out of my depth. DH and I do nothing but BIFF (sometimes without bothering with the Friendly) because we are adults and not emotionally connected to his ex.

Wow, Nope SD has had quite a break through. Sounds like your SD is growing up.  |iiii

Radical Acceptance and how to get the kids there... .my wish for my SO's daughters also, I've got D21 who is angry and NC and D17 who still hopes that normal mom is going to show up.   

Anyhow back to you... .

Maybe have a conversation about changing people... .How do you think you could change your mom? What if she doesn't want to change? Can we really change another person? Who can we change?

Then take it into boundaries... .
If you can't change your mom what can you change that you do, or say that can make the interaction better for yourself?

Take Care,
Panda39

Wow, a breakthrough!  :)

How did you/DH respond when SD14 shared how she felt?


Last summer, SD20 had a dysregulation about her mom being insensitive to her needs, and shared her frustration with me. I validated how it would be frustrating to anyone, and asked her if there was a specific outcome she wanted, and what skills had she tried in order to achieve that outcome.

Letting SD14 know that there are skills might give her a sense of agency, and it could also introduce her to the idea that she may need to experiment and practice to see what works (while demonstrating that she is actually taking care of herself).

I also make a point with SD20 to point out when she is taking good care of herself, instead of on the outcome, so on some level she is aware that the goal is to take care of herself, even though her attention may seem to be focused on her mom.

The two best books I found for learning BPD communication skills are Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning, and Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr. I wouldn't necessarily suggest them to SD14 -- they would be more helpful to you as you support SD14, to give her guidance. If she can identify one aggravating scenario she wants to focus on, you could look through the book to find a similar scenario and see if she wants to try communicating (usually using specific phrases) with her mom to see if the results are any different.

I also found the phrases in I Don't Have to Make Things All Better by the Lundstroms to be super helpful. Sometimes SO ties himself ina knot trying to fix BPD type issues and I toss out a validating question he could ask instead, so that his BPD person is held responsible for fixing her own problem instead of him.

I imagine that will be a big thing for SD14, to have language (and a conceptual understanding) that her mom is ultimately responsible for fixing her own problems. SD14 can express empathy and be engaged, without taking on a fixer/rescuer role.

Last thought -- S16 was 14 when he was struggling with some texts from his uBPD dad. I suggested he share his concerns with the T, who simply said, "That sounds like an adult problem to solve, not a S14 problem to solve." It gave S16 so much relief to be removed from the middle with that simple comment.

Because a lot of the time, it does seem like the big injury is when our kids have to solve problems for their BPD parent, reversing the natural parent-child role. Knowing when to let them off the hook, and helping them communicate skillfully is kinda tricky and mostly I bumble through it, but at least there are some things that seem to stick and at least in general improve the overall skill level, mine included.  :)