BPDFamily.com

Greetings,

As I am preparing for the seemingly inevitable divorce I have begun a journal to log my daily interactions with my spouse and all of the actions that I take on a daily basis in the house to take care of my child and family.

Logging meal preparation, laundry, homework time, play time with my son as well as logging where my spouse is during all of these times. As she is often not home or detached on her phone in the bedroom upstairs I want to keep a log of this as my parenting time significantly eclipses hers, yet I will have to prove her unfit for me to get primary custody (wish the laws were as equitable to men as they are to women).

I also intend to log arguments and what they involve as well as outcome.

If anyone has made successful or unsuccessful use of a journal for custody/divorce purposes I would appreciate your input.

Thank you

Do you mean (literally) a journal? Or do you mean using documentation more generally?

Different documentation methods came in handy in different ways throughout my case.

During the initial lawyer conversations, my L told my ex's L that I had extensive documentation, tracking alcohol, moods, medications for N/BPDx. And I also had extensive documentation detailing time spent with S16 (age 7-8 at the time). This detail seemed to make ex's L push his client to do more proactive stuff like AA classes, therapy, etc., which he never did.

During our deposition, I had a large 3-ring binder of emails categorized with tabs (name-calling, threats, evidence of alcohol abuse, false allegations, etc.) that I gave to my lawyer. When we went into the deposition (same room with N/BPDx and his L), she brought that whole binder, kind of as a prop. She had taken notes and knew what she wanted to focus on, but also wanted the opposing L to see that there may be a different story (well documented, with evidence) that ran counter to what his client was telling him. This, plus my deposition itself, made N/BPDx's L work harder to avoid going to trial because he knew I was a credible witness, and that there was plenty of evidence.

I also had a detailed Google calendar that tracked everything -- appointments, sick days, time spent with S16, school happenings (S16 was going through an IEP at the time), etc. Then, when it was time for court or the deposition, I printed it out in agenda form which made it easy to follow chronologically. That made it much easier to recall actual facts during testimony, and let me see some patterns I would've otherwise missed.

My ex sent some strange items in an envelope that was addressed to our son, with some disparaging remarks about me on the outside of the envelope. Inside were some random objects, like a sticker, a board game piece, and a bunch of lint. I referred to it in passing to my L, just to say that N/BPDx seemed to be getting stranger. And he was also sending me child support checks with the cash symbol in my name. My lawyer used those two examples in a hearing in which I was ultimately awarded full custody.

Having a lot of documentation and being organized will help you help your lawyer, and possibly save you money so that your L can easily put hands on evidence needed for court, or for leverage with the other L.

There is also an example in Splitting by Bill Eddy where the dad's journal becomes an important piece of evidence. That situation may be more aligned with what you are hoping to accomplish with your journal than mine. My ex detailed a lot of his behavior by sending crazy emails, despite being an attorney himself. If your wife's behaviors are more subtle, it might be worth doing a deposition -- this will make it possible for your L to cross-examine her testimony and poke holes in her credibility.

Talk about this with your attorney. Depending on your state's standards for custody, some types of evidence are more useful than others.

I say journal, but it is more of a log of activities to record what happened not really any emotion or feelings around them.

I do also save all of my text messages and other electronic communications as well as keep an Outlook calendar that I will become more detailed with. In the past we were separated and I used my calendar to track when I had my son, when my family was watching him, when her family was watching him or when she was and I found it a good memory tool and I am recording events in it again. Documenting time is and engagement is my biggest thing and I want to ensure that I am collecting the information I need to be effective.

And yes, I know and have spoken to my lawyer and he recommended this so that if we go to a show of cause I can hopefully have a leg to stand on to get her to move out as opposed to having to leave the house myself. (it infuriates me that the person hell bent to tear apart a family has all the advantages to getting the house and custody)

I really am looking for effective examples of success or even failure so that I can model or avoid the same.

Back in the beginning of my SO's Separation his uBPDxw had primary custody of their daughters.  My SO was an EOW dad plus Wednesday night dinners.

He used his emails as a way to document his interactions with his ex.  Some examples... .

Youngest daughter (now 17) had a toothache, mom said she'd take D17 to the dentist.  She scheduled the appointment... .failed to take her, rescheduled the appointment... .failed to take her, decided to change dentists, scheduled with the new dentist... .failed to take her... .this literally went on for 3 months.  My SO finally stopped waiting for his ex to take D17 to the dentist and did it himself.  He had 3 months worth of emails documenting her failure to take D17 to the dentist.

Same daughter had a stomachache on Monday, mom kept her home all week, this is just one example. School Attendance while under mom's care was an issue. My SO obtained D17 Attendance Records.

Older daughter (now 21) was pulled out of school for her freshman year of High School by her mother to do "online school" against the wishes of her father, and against the advice of her teachers and school principal.  :)21 did nothing for her Freshman year that would be a 0.0 GPA.  My SO documented her failed year... .grades/time online/his emails pushing that she go back to school.

He collected other photographic evidence, and video evidence too.

In the end he was able to document their mother's neglect.

When the divorce was finally completed he had Medical, Dental and Education decision making and slightly more than 50/50 custody (he had weekdays and 1 weekend a month).  His ex had Gynecological, Vision, and Psych decision making.  All of which have become a moot point because both girls voted with their feet and now live with dad full-time.

So I say keep documenting and show patterns of behavior.

We too had a huge 3 inch binder tabbed with a summary sheets followed by the documentation, we called it "The Book of Doom"  

Panda39

Verify that this is accurate for your state, but I've understood that journals (diaries, calendars, etc) are better than the typical vague and unsubstantiated "he said, she said".  Generally you would have written details such as dates and times, witnesses, locations, what happened, etc.  Another benefit is that these documents can't be subpoenaed, I think.  That was a relief for me since sometimes I wrote things that I later decided I didn't want disclosed in court.  Even so, try your best to write your journal entries as though the judge and lawyers were looking over your shoulder.  That's not the place to vent and curse.

At the end of my legal struggles (in late 2013 where I succeeded in getting majority time) I had to refer to my annual calendars, my 'journals', to "refresh my memory" on certain dates while on the stand.  My lawyer assured me they couldn't snatch them to browse through them.

About journals,  do you have to sign or initial after each entry,  or does it not matter.  I take it as a given that they would be dated.

Based upon advice here,  and also from my boss,  I jnitialed. He has a number of patents, and viewed it from that angle as being legally admissible. Thankfully,  I never had to use it.

Might vary in jurisdictions. Maybe worth a question to L or on avvo.com?