BPDFamily.com

Separated dBPDw started the week off with a step up in the crazy making department.

Early yesterday morning started with a text that read, "I love you. I love being with you."

About 2 hours later, another one reading, "Leave me alone. Don't ever call me again. I will only communicate by text about the kids."

Then several hours of mean spirited texts about my family and how horrible everyone has treated her. I did not respond.

Then a late evening text that she is sorry she acted this way.

This morning I sent her a listing of the shared bills for this month that she asked for. This brought on all the rage with replies, "You are just trying to make my life hell." and " You are trying to keep me under your heel." I reminded her that we agreed to this and that I am not even asking her to pay for half the medical insurance for the kids or for hers; I am still carrying everyone.

So, I think the anger is reality hitting her. She makes about half of what she needs to live on her own. She has already had to ask her landlord not to cash her October rent check until this Friday because it will bounce as she thought she got paid last week. She has no idea when she gets paid or what her bills are. And she needs this next paycheck to pay November's rent.

I am not going to bail her out. She created this mess and I am not making the mistake of cleaning it up for her.

And I am not going to be dragged into the drama over my family, her family or anything else. If we have already discussed it, it does not need to be discussed again.

Right now, things are really ugly and really tense. It is the worst they have ever been between us. I am going to hold my line, though.   

 

Hey Cole, This is a classic example of "I love you; go away."  You did well by holding your ground.  Keep it up!  LJ

Thanks, LJ. It is hard to do. Like letting one of your kids do something you know they are going to fail at because they need to learn the life lesson behind it.

And it is hard because we truly love and miss each other. BPD has made things really bad lately. She has said moving was a mistake and that her apartment is "just a place to hang her hat for now". But at the same time she is quite animate about staying there. She does not seem to know what she wants or why.

Hey Cole, I think it's possible to love someone yet find it impossible to live with the toxic effects of BPD (I know that was true for me).  I subscribed to the belief that love would prevail, yet BPD proved far more complex and destructive.  Right, it involves letting go of the outcome and allowing another adult to be responsible for his/her own well-being.  Sure, it's hard, but it's a lot healthier over the long run.

LJ

Cole,

I like the "instincts" you seem to have.  No rescue.  Let her make her own mess.

My hope is you were "neutral" to slightly friendly in all this. 

Hang in there man... .what happens when she gets evicted?

FF

The BPD symptoms disappeared for about a year and a half then came roaring back. The toxic effects are not there when she is healthy.


I have tried to remain neutral, even if that is not her perception. When I reminded her that she owes half the kids school bills, she took that as an attack. When she said to leave her alone and not call her and I said OK, that was perceived as an attack. Everything  I do to support a boundary is seen as an attack.

Neutral is becoming difficult territory to navigate.

No idea what she will do about not being able to afford this. She claims she thought all this out, but I doubt it.

 |iiii


Very good!  It's not about her perception... .it's about reality.  If you are solid that you are neutral... .very good.  Stay there... .keep thinking that part through.

Hey... .back to what YOU are going to do when she gets evicted.  As we know, zero chance to predict what she will do.

So, she shows up on your doorstep (literally), with your kids watching... .begging for a place to stay.  (you will?) 

She calls to inform you she is homeless... .you will?

These are the types of things to be ready for, especially when kids are watching.

FF

I have talked about this with my T. This guy really gets BPD behavior and has done a lot to help me figure out what to do not only for kids and myself but to help her.

She is going to have to come to terms with this hatred toward my entire family and find a way to move past it before we can move forward with this marriage. He seems positive that when faced with homeless vs "get over yourself", she will choose to get over herself.

She has said many times that she does not like being angry and does not like the way she feels about my family. She wants to change. Homeless and broke may be the motivation to do so.  I doubt she will come back without some grandiose announcement of a "breakthrough" that allows her to save face, as well.

She has been angry over the finances and has not spoken to me in days. Today she texted that I am her best friend. That she misses me. That she sat by her window for 20 minutes last night watching for me to drive by on the way to our Church. Push-pull Olympics continue... .   

Would you consider requiring a post nuptial for her to move back in?

That could put you in a better position to guard against future "backsliding"... .

FF

No, I think that could be counterproductive. I can find better ways to do this than a piece of paper that will not mean much when she is disregulated.

T suggested being polite but distant as a way to enforce behavioral boundaries, as it will trigger the fear of abandonment. I got to try it a little while ago. She stopped by with dinner for me and the kids. I was nice and polite. But I kept the kitchen island or the table between us as much as possible to avoid the hug and kiss I know she was expecting and wanted. She was definitely put off by this and suddenly had to leave with an upset stomach.

The message sent was that if you are going to throw a temper tantrum and move out, putting us in a financial bind and messing up the kids lives, then I am going to be polite but distant. Maybe I am even losing interest.

I am very positive that message was received as sent.

I was out of town in back country for the weekend and suggested it would be a good time to move the rest of her things out in peace. She did not move a thing, so I am sure her intent is to come back. I am putting it out there very subtly that the door may be closing and she is getting nervous about that. Maybe it will be the wake-up call she needs.  

The post nuptial would have nothing to do with dysregulation... .it would protect you from the next moveout... .or filing... or... whatever. 

Hey... so have you discussed with your T what to do when she wants to move back in... .or when she needs to?

I send many of the same "aloof, polite, nonchalant" signals to my wife when she does odd stuff.

FF