BPDFamily.com

Hi,  I am a mother of an adult 30 year old son who has BPD and Narcissistic PD.  For the most part I have learned how to manage myself and protect myself when things fall apart.  I am at a place where I wish I could end the relationship with him.  He is so toxic and abusive and I am just burned out.  My struggle with ending the relationship is that he has a 5 year old son who is so precious and deserving of stability and love.  My precious grandson and I have a deep attachment.  In fact I am likely his primary attachment.  His mother is out of the picture. My son is cruel and often uses my grandson as a weapon to hurt me or try to control me. Right now he is telling me that it will be a long time until he allows me to have contact with his son. Last week when I did not allow him to pull me into his chaos he became enraged and went on a 3 day binge of verbally attacking me and dragging me through the storm.  I know he will likely come back around and give me access to my little guy in a week or two, but I feel scared that one of these days he will keep him from me permanently.  It breaks my heart to see this sweet little boy have to go through so much. UGH!  I am feeling raw and spent right now.  I thought reaching out in this forum would help me feel connected to others who are in similar situations. I often find that the literature I find to gain more knowledge and support with this is often blaming the mother and or childhood for this outcome.  I know that sometimes this is the case however, my son did not develop personality disorders because of his childhood. 

Hi RRE,

Welcome and hello  :)

You are not alone, there are many here who have grandchildren with a BPD parent involved. It's pretty tough, for many of the reasons you mention.

Do you think your son is jealous of the relationship you have with your grandson?

There are some skills that can prevent things from getting worse, although they won't cure BPD/NPD. I like the saying, Do you want to be right, or do you want to be effective? It helped me look at things that might be effective, trying them out and seeing what worked and what didn't.

For BPD sufferers who have strong narcissistic traits, you may have to praise even the smallest things. With the person in my life who was very narcissistic (my son's N/BPD father), I found I had to acknowledge how he parented. "I heard so-and-so say you are so good at coaching son!" Or, if he walked in the door, I would say to him, "You're here! Let me put this down so I can focus on you and hear how you're doing."

People who are narcissistic tend to need lots of emotional validation in the form of praise. 

I also had to give my son's father a feeling of control and importance. "You have a very busy schedule and it must be hard with so many people competing for your attention. Whatever works for your schedule is ok by me."

Stabilizing the relationship with your grandson is what makes it worth it.

Hello RRE

From one grandmother to another... .a hug!

It is difficult enough dealing with an offspring who displays BPD behaviours... .but so much harder when grandchildren are part of the equation.

While my grandchildren are now 25/27, I well remember the same pain... .the same fears you write about.  Because of so much drama surrounding our uBPD daughter over the years... .including the stormy relationships with each of their fathers... .my husband and I were pretty well surrogate parents to our only 2 grandchildren.  With that said, there was many-a-time when we (especially me, her mother) swallowed our pride during her tirades against us, fearing separation from those precious grandchildren.  

You write... ."For the most part I have learned how to manage myself and protect myself when things fall apart."  Keep working on that!

You also write... ."I am feeling raw and spent right now."  It is draining when you deal with this day after day... .wondering how/if it will ever end.  Well, RRE, you just keep putting one foot in front of the other!  Keep going forward, slowly but surely... .and be mindful of your dignity along the way.  You are, and will be, a role-model to your grandson.

Lastly, don't buy into any guilt in regards to your mothering!  All that can be asked of a person is that they do the best they can... .and you did that as a Mom!  When you knew better... .you did better... .and you will continue to do so.  

Keep posting, RRE!  We are here to listen.  Personally, I can feel a release of tension when I let my fingers hit the keyboard... .sharing with others... .trying to comfort others.  Hope you find the same.

Oh dear. This is really the hardest situation I can imagine. I'm so sorry!

My first thought is that in your shoes I would be sure to call your local child welfare branch and make sure that they know that your son is abusive and is now parenting without your support (in case they receive reports about his parenting), and that you would be a willing caregiver for your grandson if he should ever come into foster care. If you lose contact with your son and his son is ever taken into state custody, your son will not likely list you as a relative resource if he is still mad at you. Having worked in foster care for many years, I know that it is often those with BPD who can't hold single parenting together without a lot of support. Again, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, and I hope my thoughts aren't too upsetting. Do you feel that your grandson is safe?