BPDFamily.com

We split up a recent thread because the topic went off in several directions different than intended by the OP.

These are several posts of personal opinions on BPD and we thought it would be a good opportunity for members to discuss.

 |---> They will move on with anyone who wants to be with them because it gives them the feeling of being wanted and loved, and it prevents them from being alone.  

My ex-friend dated a guy who was a few months older than her and who was an overall nice guy.  She dumped him and started dating her drug dealer/co-worker, followed by a guy who was a few years younger than her and still in college.  She dumped him and started dating one of her best friend's friends, who was a total loser.  That was followed by an older guy who had a young daughter and then a guy with blue hair.  He was followed by a recovering heroin addict and then was recycled briefly before she went back to the addict.  She broke up with him and started dating a co-worker who actually seems pretty stable.  That ended after six months, and she started dating a divorced father of two who was seven years older than her.  He dumped her, she pulled him back in again after two months, and then he dumped her again.  

She goes through cycles.  She will convince herself and everyone else that she is committed to getting better and has completely changed, so she will start dating normal, stable guys.  When she can't keep that up anymore and gives up on changing herself for the better, she will dye her hair some crazy color, get a new piercing, and date edgy guys who do drugs.  When she was on Tinder, I used to laugh at how often her profile would change.  Sometimes, she would be "420 friendly" and looking for guys with tattoos and piercings.  Other times, she was just looking for someone to play video games with.  Once, she was shy and someone who "never makes the first move."  Another time, she hyped up the fact that she has a college degree and works as a manager. She basically made a profile that would attract whomever she was looking for at that moment.  

 |---> I learned that these relationships are so hard to get over not just because they were physically and emotionally addictive, but because we probably had childhood attachment trauma that we need to resolve.

Apparently, if you want to think of this in a spiritual sense, those partners came into our lives so we can heal childhood issues, abandonments, abuse or whatever the case may be. Maybe the healing needed to take place now so we are better able to handle a healthy relationship, ie the person who we will spend the rest of our lives with. With me for example, I had and have issues with being left or dropped. I go into anxiety mode, my rational mind stops working and my emotional mind takes full control, which triggers massive anxiety. Then the thoughts of her being with someone else kicks it to full gear... .and the rest is history... .sleepless nights, etc. I am finding myself more aware of the triggers now, and I am better able to control how long the thoughts stay. I have gotten to a point where I get a bad thought, and I can feel it and then think of something else. Now I don't know how long this process will last... .which is why I created another threat which no one has replied to... .not sure what and when my next milestone is.

It will be different in every case.

 |---> Typically they will have something casual going on with someone else before they leave. This will develop to a point where she will feel safe to move to the next target, and then she'll push you away, blame you for things, and break you down. She'll then move on and you'll be left where you are right now, completely confused and broken, whilst she's managed to make you look like the person responsible for the break down of the relationship.

 |---> They carefully position themselves in the position of the victim whom you are begging to come back, even though they are the ones cheating and pushing you away. This is why it is so devastating to experience. You cannot win at this point.

Mine was sleeping with someone at work who she used as her supply for sex. It was casual and that's all she wanted. It allowed her to go dating whilst still having a steady stream of sex.

After me she started dating someone, but she told me that she'd stopped seeing him because he was too nice, "and who wants nice?".  So she's back to dating and sleeping with the guy at work (if she ever stopped doing that).

That goes some way to telling you that if you treat them like princesses they'll not be interested. So don't feel too bad for standing up to them early on, which they will blame you for later on as they're devaluing you. If you'd given them all they wanted they likely would have left long long before.

Often I think they realise as much as you do that the relationship is going nowhere, so they find someone who fulfils their needs enough to break free from you, devalue you, and then escape.

 |---> There never is a clean break or rarely... .they are usually talking to someone ABOUT you and taking on the victim role. It's not always a romantic interest. Sometimes, it's just someone they use to pass the time, a willing "friend", an ear if I may, who will sympathize with them and often re-inforce how big a jack-_ _ _ you are.

Once, I was left for a friend. My "friend" is a straight girl who had some curious interest in my ex. My ex and I went on a weekend trip, she suggested, and I noticed she was more prickly than usual and on her phone a lot... .something she despised when I was on it (she thought I was cheating on her... .classic projection). Anyways, we no sooner pull into the parking lot back home and she dumps me and heads to this person's house. Later, I find out when I would text this "friend" it was actually my ex texting me back.

This is when I started to re-evaluate what I consider a friend. That is NOT normal behavior, especially from 40 something year old adults.

My ex stayed away for a few months. Ended up having back surgery and contacted me in February (you guessed it... .right after the major holidays in Nov and December and a week before Valentine's Day). Apparently this "friend" never visited her in the hospital when she was recovering so I was just another number in her phonebook to see if she could get attention from.

I took her back.

Your replacement tends to be someone they can manipulate easier. That is not always the case but in the end I wasn't easy for her to manipulate and her new GF cannot be alone. She is one of these people who likes EVERY facebook post in her feed and signs up for every social event.

Like it was mentioned here, just because it is a different person it doesn't mean it's a better outcome. Yes, they may be able to tough it out longer but without treatment the pathology is still there. The irrationality, the reckless behavior, the outbursts, that doesn't disappear.

Don't envy the replacement. That is sometimes hard to rationale but you have an opportunity to heal and not attract this type of relationship again. She/he is IN it. Remember what that was like?

 |---> They will also leave you when they can manipulate you without a fight. When you give in to every beck and call and when you just take everything they can throw at you they get bored.

If they meet someone that they perceive as better somehow than they are, more popular, happy, successful, they will see that as an excellent target and challenge. If he can be broken and beg for her that would be an enormous boost their self worth. Once that person is pestering them to see them, or getting needy they will lose interest. Once they’re broken, they’re no longer attractive and it’s on to the next.

So it can be someone they can manipulate easier. Or it can be someone that is a fresh start who hasn’t been broken by them and who has things that they find desireable.

I voted false on all of the options on the poll because it's over generalizing. Everyone is a different person with different personality traits and will all react differently. We can't paint pwBPD with a broad brush.

I agree with Matt. However, this is why I voted how I did.

Mine definitely was desperate to move on with anyone that was available and had a new person within days. I didn't know for months but it turns out they're living together in less than 2 weeks. She is exact opposite of me and he is living a life opposite to his previously very publicly expressed values.



He definitely had massive attachment trauma. I do not. 

He triangulated me his coworkers anyone he could. He was looking for someone to fill the void leaving me would create long before he left. He found a reason to rage at me left and then moved onto her. He then wanted to come back and then didn't and on and on for 5 months. But meanwhile he was with her. So yes he needed a "safe" place to land.

He is perpetually the victim, at work, in his family, with me, with friends, with his kids you name it. He was even feeling victimized by income tax and random laws. It was as if he felt these things were designed to hurt him and no one else. It was weird.


He left me once out of the blue by texting that he was never coming home. Wouldn't take calls or see me. So no argument or direct conflict. Three months later begged to come back. The next time he raged at me and left. So we would manipulate me in all kinds of ways.


Yes we (and they) are all unique individuals, including those who suffer from BPD. My exwBPD is acting very differently with his new partner. As individuals we all impact one another differently. Perhaps she is simply a better match for him. Or perhaps its just a matter of time until he goes through the cycle again. We all learn and grow and hopefully he can grow from this experience. I don't want to lump him into some group as if I am vilifying him. I do however, want others suffering these experiences to know that they are not alone.