BPDFamily.com

So my uBPDexWife and I have not communicated in five days.  It’s almost like a standoff.  After the crap I’ve gone through and her telling me she is seeing someone (even though I think it’s a lie), I don’t want to look weak anymore.  I really want to talk to her and having a rough time with this.  I need some encouragement.  Thoughts?

Also, Formflier, can you link the thread with the letter you wrote.  I can’t find it.  Thanks!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315549.0

ML,

"I don't want to look weak because... .?"

You goal of remaining strong is?

What does "victory" look like?

What else is going on in your life?  How is school going? (I just finished my first two MBA classes... .dude... .my brain is fried... but I seem to be doing well)

How is your relationship with church?  God?  Are you in a mens group?

Are there other women you have gone out with?  Want to go out with?

(Basically trying to succinctly get a peek at where the r/s with your ex is... .in the context of your life.)

FF

Hey MaroonLiquid, What is it that you would like to discuss w/her?  I assume that the two of you are no longer married as you refer to her as your exW.  If so, I am uncertain what brings you to the "Conflicted" Board?  Are you hoping for a recycle?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

Hey FF... .I know my post was rather vague.  Here goes... .

We were in a recycle and actually doing well.  She told me I’m the only person that has ever truly been there for her and how much she appreciated that.  Then out of the blue after two weeks, she told me there was a guy “she was interested in” but wanted to still be really good friends.  I wasn’t sure if she was telling the truth or trying to bait me.  I stayed calm and told her that if that’s the case I’m taking a huge step back from her as I don’t want to be “just friends”.  She said she understood however I’m sure she thought I wasn’t serious.  When I left, she gave me a long hug and a passionate kiss.  That was two weeks ago.  I did text her the next day asking if I had an antibiotic that I forgot at her house and went and got it from her.  Since then, we have had texted once last Friday to I let her know that a mutual friend had passed away.  We texted for just a few minutes and it was pleasant.  I truly am trying to stick to this boundary.  I don’t want to look weak because I’m usually the one in the past to contact first or move the “goalposts” so to speak.  She also usually texts me when she feels like I’m pulling away.  That’s usually after about a week to a week and a half.  As far as a victory, it’s more about me staying strong and showing her that my boundaries do mean something.  It’s also about not being a backup plan for someone.  I don’t deserve that.  She needs to feel the reality of me not being there and what that looks like.

As far as school, I am still taking classes and working toward my degree. 

I’m not in church at the moment.  I do feel some guilt there but I’m also finding it hard to go.  I feel like a failure, mad, etc and those are my issues to work through. 

As far as other women, I am having a hard time doing that honestly.  I’m still working through feelings with my exW and don’t think it’s fair to them until I can do this.  I also feel I’m holding out hope for a r/s and so I don’t want to move on.  I guess I’m stupid.    Just being honest.  Really trying to work through that as well. 

Does this answer your questions?

One more thing that I forgot to mention.  I am really trying to focus on my three kids and have been for a while.  I still coach Softball for my girls and coach baseball for my son as well.  I have limited contact with her three kids as well but they aren’t a main focus for me as that is their mother.  I know they love me.

Hey man... .thanks for being open.

Here is my take... .with my knowledge of your relationship and BPD in general.  She (or BPD) is playing you.

The divorce was just a tactic to toy with you.  Mentioning the other guy was a tactic.  She "gets something" from that.  Yep... all that is vague.  But it plays to the BPD narrative.

I'm not suggesting she "thought all this out" in a sociopathic way.  Its' more a dysfunctional BPDish thing.

I could be wrong... .so please think through the value you place on my judgment.

You are not being stupid... .you are following your heart.  She is trampling on your heart.  It's your heart.  She is not going to protect it

I know you have a religious background, so... .please go read proverbs about "protecting your heart".  Who does the Bible say is responsible for protecting your heart?

What is the benefit of protecting your heart... .according to the Bible.

Serious... .very important that you understand that... .clearly.

I'm going to push pause before I give you any more recommendations...

Your thoughts up to this point?

FF

You aren’t the first person who told me that these are tactics that’s she is using.  I believe that.  For what, I have no idea except to see how far she can push me or whatever.  I don’t think it’s sociopathic either.  I know what she tells me in our private time together and have always felt she was truthful when she said those things and also know the push/pull dynamic and how that works as well.  I do need to do a much better job of protecting my heart and that’s another reason I’m pulling back.  I don’t want to be a doormat any longer.  Also, protecting my heart allows me to hear gods voice more clearly. 

The scripture says that "All" things flow from your heart.

All... .

That's a lot.

Listen man... .this is the relationship she is offering.  Period.

So... .either get happy with that and occasionally get laid and have times that "seem" intimate and truthful and be ready to have another life when she discards you... again... .and again.

If you choose to continue, you will have to find a way to "harden" your heart to protect it.  She will continue to trample on it.  Please believe that

or

What would "all" things flowing from your heart look like if you had no relationship with a woman... .or a healthy relationship.

"All things"... .

that would include your parenting... .right?

Big picture:  She has shown you what she has to offer.

What are you going to do about that?

FF

Gee FF... .I always look forward to your honest and brutal feedback on things.   :)
Just kidding.  I do appreciate it.  Part of me is fearful in letting her go completely and that’s my own abandonment issues I need to deal with.  That part of me also would accept crumbs.  I know this seems sad to be truthful about, but I’m trying to deal with my feelings and fears.  If I let her go I am scared I may be alone the rest of my life.  The sad thing is I’m a decent looking guy who is a good person so I don’t know what I’m scared of.  I don’t know why I continue to hold out hope that she’ll change.  Oh well.  I’ll get through it.  Also, a part of me does look forward to communication just because I know sex is coming.  Sad, but true.

Hey... .listen.  Have you asked anyone else out on a date, coffee, talk... whatever?

I don't think you should wait until you feel ready or think you are over your ex.

I DO think that you should be upfront and honest about where you are in "looking" for a relationship.  So... after a date or two, let them know that you enjoy their company and are sorting yourself out from a divorce.  Don't over explain.

Once you actually have a couple dates and actually have a good time and... .perhaps... .actually get laid from a woman that is ok with a casual relationship... .I think the world may look a lot different to you.

I think your old relationship may look different to you. 

Note... .if you go down this path, I would never discuss it with your ex.  That's an intimate part  of your life.  Lots of feelings... .  Has she earned your trust to share that part of your life?

FF

ML, just my two cents here, but being in limbo is stressful.

You are divorced and yet, still sleeping with your ex.

I'm not being critical of two consenting adults- who can choose to do what they want to do- but can you handle this emotionally? Is it good for you? Or is it making it more difficult to move on with your life?

Sex is a lot of things, but it is also emotionally binding at times. IMHO, it is hard to move on, and recover from an emotional bond when there is still physical intimacy.

There is much talk about safe sex in terms of pregnancy and STD's. But sex is not safe when it comes to emotions. I would think it would be tough to continue to have sex with an ex that you deeply love and not have that keep you attached.

The push pull, on /off of a relationship can also mimic a drug. Highs and lows.

I think you are being honest with yourself on two important things: you are willing to take crumbs, and are afraid to be alone. These are two aspects of yourself that are your part in this. It is great that you see this, because if something is about you- you have the ability to work at change with this. You can not change her, but you can change this part of yourself. It may not be easy- it does take some work, but it is possible.

IMHO, I would wait to start dating until addressing these two issues. Dating out of fear of being alone, or when willing to take crumbs can possibly lead you into a relationship that gives you crumbs. It is also difficult to be emotionally present on a date when your feelings are attached to someone else. Meeting people, being friends - sure, but I have read that going from one relationship to another without some emotional healing first is not a good idea.

Most of us don't want to be alone. Yet, it can be possible to be content with being single. That's a great place to start when meeting others- content - as you don't need someone to soothe your being alone but can be with someone without that fear.

I don't know what you will choose to do, but IMHO, if you choose to move on, I think not being physical with your ex can help keep your feelings clearer.

Perhaps examine how you have dated in the past.  I had lots of first and second dates.  Was pretty much fearless asking girls out.  So... .I got shot down a lot and went on lots of dates.  I'm an extrovert.  I found people (girls in particular) fascinating. 

So... it took a while for me to form emotional attachments (I did have several serious relationships) but honestly I didn't seek those out.  There were also times that I realized "I was on the rebound" and would do stuff with girls but was clear in my head that I would not proceed further for a while.  I was also clear with them.

So... .I would think along those lines when deciding to date or not.  If you can't "casually date"... then I wouldn't recommend it for a while. 

Frankly, part of why I recommend this to you is that I don't think you will have much problem getting a date, with any sort of reasonable effort. 

Let a couple months pass with having a few different dates with a few different women... .and I think lots of your "fear of being alone" will subside to a manageable level.

But... .there is a moral thing here to.  Don't present yourself as "ready" for a deep relationship... .because you are clearly not.

FF

I like both what formflier and Notwendy have said.

I agree with formflier that it would be a good idea to ask out women for coffee dates or something not serious. Also acknowledging that you are going through a difficult phase might be helpful. I think women might be very interested in hearing some details about your situation with your ex.

So many men are unwilling to speak openly and honestly about their feelings and I find it really refreshing when they do. Your situation is not an uncommon one. So many of us have found ourselves in limbo about an ex. Sharing that with a woman friend (and as long as you keep her as a "friend" and nothing more until you feel resolved about your relationship with your ex)--I think that would be a way to "separate the wheat from the chaff." You will learn more about this new friend and be able to see (without dipping your toe in the water, so to speak) whether she might be a suitable romantic partner someday.

And many women will understand. The right one will be willing to wait it out until you feel "done" with your previous relationship.

The question is: do you want to be done?

Do I want to be done?... .

The short answer is yes and no.   :)

I need to be done with the “crazy-making” dysfunction and move forward in my life.  I don’t want the “push/pull” dynamic anymore either.  I know that I’m a good guy and deserve better than the abuse I’ve gotten. I can’t fix her.   I love her though and it’s hard to let go.  The fear I deal with of not having a r/s with her ever again is dwindling.  I’m facing that fear head on.  We haven’t spoken in 12 days.  I’m actually surprised she hasn’t tried considering she has always hated when I didn’t contact her.  I’m sure she expects me to break down first though.  That’s been the usual pattern.  I am done chasing as she knows I love her.  I need to be strong for myself and I’m focusing on many other things.  Really focusing on my biological children.  It’s helping... .

Like what you're saying there, MaroonLiquid.  Suggest you return the focus to yourself, and to your biological children.  Be kind and compassionate to yourself.  What is the best path for you?  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings?  These are tough questions, I know, but might help you to find your way.

LuckyJim

Thinking... .you can continue to love her.  No need to stop.

Your fear... of not having a r/s, I am curious about.
Via behavior, she is communicating to you the relationship she is available for for you.  Are you afraid of loosing this? 
Or are you afraid of releasing yourself from hoping for what you do not have?

The less you can make it about a power struggle between the two of you... .who is going to cave in first... the better it will go for you.

Let her think about it... however she wants to think about it.

FF

I'm going to answer all the questions later this evening as I'm about to go into a school function for my daughter.  But FF, what did you mean by this?

 
You mentioned that you analyzed it as a power struggle... .so... it's in your mind.

It may or may not be in her mind.  Let her figure that out... .I'm less concerned about her mind.

More concerned about yours.

Don't make it a power struggle... .live your life... a healthy life... .if she is there... .she is... .

FF

Im trying to be kind to myself.  :)oing a pretty good job this time I think.  The best path for me is to move forward with my life regardless of her.  My gut feeling is there isn’t anyone else like she claimed and when I said I was taking a huge step back, she lied and backed herself into a corner.  I believe she thought I would beg her not to or become clingy and I didn’t.  I was very proud of myself.


No plans to.  She does need to know that I have boundaries and when I say something I mean it.  Especially when it comes to taking a step back because she is “interested in someone else” regardless what the truth is.


I’ve been afraid of letting her go and not having any r/s.  Especially from the one of hoping what I do not have.  I am much better about it now because I’ve really gained strength over that fear.  It’s becoming less of an issue.  But it still is there in a minor thought process of that makes sense.



Gotcha.  Makes sense.  I am definitely living my life and like not dealing with some of the drama. 

You know me... I'm a words guy.  Words give you attitude and thinking "nudges" in the right direction.

I would suggest instead of doing boundaries so she "knows" things... .you should do boundaries to protect yourself... ."protect your heart".

She may "know" at the end of that experience that you have a pink elephant in your bedroom that you are attracted to... .or that you want to eat cheese grits for all three meals.  (note... .this is actually a good and sometimes satisfying thing... .|iiii )

It's not about what she knows... .

Reflect on the difference for a while... .let me know what you think...

FF

I’m honestly trying to do that.  I am focused less on what she “knows” even though I still want her to learn things.   :)   It’s hard to focus on my needs when I have never really done that before.  Hard habit to break.  Taking this day by day trying to sit with my feelings and fears and feel that I am doing a much better job than I used to. 

A good T will help you with your "selfish meter".  I really don't want to  be a selfish guy... .however... I, like most others on these boards need to do a much better job of taking care of themselves.  

Honestly, when I "feel" that I am being selfish, I'm likely doing a pretty good job of taking care of myself.

Try that on for size.

Switching gears.

Seriously dude... .go out on a couple coffee dates.  Casual... . I would challenge you to keep it light on first date... or two... .have good boundaries... .don't get deep in old relationship stuff.  Focus on each other... .

If intimacy develops, then details and "secrets" can come out.  Somehow, I think most of use had that kind of backwards too.  We saw "quick intimacy" as a good sign.  Likely it is a red flag.  Not a fatal one... .always... but a red flag.  

One red flag... .no biggee.  If someone has several... but they are all someone else's fault... .RUN!

FF

ML, you sound all over the place about your ex and dating, and that is really understandable.

Q1: What do you want from your ex?  (And is your heart longing for something more than that?)

Q2: Of the things you do want, can she provide them?

Q3: (Presuming an answer to Q2 that I've read from your history... .) Which of these things that she provides in a on/off push/pull way work for you that way?

Q1:  I love spending time with my ex.  I miss the intimacy and I don’t just mean sex.  Is my heart longing for more than that?  Still yes, but I’m a lot more realistic.  I’m also trying to work through that I need to focus on myself and move myself forward even if she doesn’t follow.  I’m really trying to do better.

Q2: can she provide them?  When she isn’t pushing me away.   :)

Q3: that’s a great question.   

Right now, I’m trying to face my emotions head on and it’s tough.  I’m staying strong by sticking to my boundary by not contacting her and I’m proud of myself.

ML,

If I asked you to answer Grey Kitty's questions with a yes or a no... .could you... .would you?

FF

I thought you would get a bit of that from Q1/Q2... .radical acceptance of who she is... .she CAN provide many things you want, like, love... .but she can only do it in an on-and-off, push-pull fashion.

And yes, Q3 is a great question. Also a hard question. I suspect that thinking about it is far more important than a yes/no answer.

Perhaps it is 'worth it' for now but not longer-term. It could be a way to stay in the lives of her daughters until they become young adults and have the power to make the choice for themselves (without being overruled by your ex) on how much contact to have with you. I'm sure that there are other reasons to say it is 'good enough for now'. (As a few friends of mine have said... .repeatedly while describing messed up women they were involved with... ."well, the sex was really good :)"


Boundaries are to protect yourself, not to punish her. How are you protecting yourself from by not contacting her?

Anyhow, stay strong, and take good care of yourself. 

The sex is always really good!   :)

Anyway, my boundary isn’t really about her.  It is to protect me.  I told her I was taking a big step back because there was “someone else” according to her.  Even if there isn’t, that is my line and I was drawing it with her.  In the past, I drew a lot of lines and moved them.  Honestly, our r/s had gotten to the point where she pulls me back in to “get something from me” and then discards me.  It was also to the point where we would have sex and then a day or two after she would discard me.  It was to the point where I was feeling used.  I’m trying to break that cycle.  Not for her, for me.  I’m trying to rebuild my dignity and self-respect.  It’s hard because in a way (and I know it’s my own unhealthiness), I feel like I’m abandoning her.  That’s hard for me because I care for her very deeply and she said I’m the only person that has always been there for her.  I’m really surprised that after 15 days she hasn’t tried to contact me.  This is the second longest time this has happened.  The longest was almost a month.  Usually it’s less than a week.  Oh well.  I miss her but it’s getting better.

I would still push for a yes or no answer.  I do realize that "yes, but... ." or "no, but... "... .that there is lots of stuff that matters in the "but" part.

I would be supportive of a continued relationship of some sort if the answer was "no"... .however I would push hard for you to take deliberate steps to "keep yourself healthy" and open to other relationships.

Proud of you for holding your boundary... .|iiii

FF

Here are “simple” yes/no answers... .

Q1: Yes
Q2: no
Q3: no

That is based on current circumstances.  I appreciate you recognizing that I’m holding my boundary.  It’s not easy.  I want to talk to her.  My grandfather is close to passing away and I know she would want to know and not sure what to do there.  If I do it I would want to do it for the right reasons.  She’s been there for all of my grandparents passing away in the last year.  I’m going to pray about it.

Soo... .it sounds like you are waiting for her to reach out to you first as a way to protect yourself.

I'm with you on protecting yourself from her, but don't think that this (by itself) is going to be very effective.

If she does reach out to you again (eventually she will), get friendly, and then get flirty/sexy, will you reject her advances?

I'd suggest that you consider refusing emotional intimacy too--at least not being vulnerable and sharing your thoughts/feelings with her; you might listen if she opens up to you.

Does this feel 'right' for you now? Have you thought about exactly what your limits are? (Perhaps a friendly hug is acceptable?)



My suggestion: Tell her about it, either now, or after, as you think she would appreciate based on her r/s with your grandfather. Not to ask her to support you emotionally as you deal with it. Pick somebody safer than her for that. 

I have thought about these things.  It will be difficult to reject her advances.  Not going to lie as I love intimacy with her.  But as long as she’s seeing other people I refuse to open myself up that way to her for several obvious reasons.  A hug is acceptable.  Question though.  Isn’t this a “grey rock” way of handling her and basically pushing her away for good?  I don’t want that.


I will tell her about it before as she was close to my grandparents.  She is actually very good at support and comfort when both my grandmothers died this year.  Why would I not open up to her about them?

Thinking more about “rejecting her advances”.  Wouldn’t I validate her advances and let her know that I want to be intimate with her as well, but I won’t as long as she’s seeing other people and not in a r/s with me?  That’s using SET as well.

Update:

So my ex contacted me this evening after 17 days because a mutual friend of ours past away.  I saw it on Facebook and she immediately texted me to let me know.  I responded and said, “I literally just saw that! I feel so bad for him!”  She responded, “Yeah me too.”  I then texted back and said, “I just found out last night that my grandfather is in hospice care.  He has deteriorated rapidly and it isn’t good.  Thankful that I got to spend that time with him recently!  How are you?”  She responded, “I’m sorry to hear that.  He is a great man.”  I said, “Thank you!  Yes he is.”  I left it at that.  She never mentioned how she was.   :) she always acts that way when she hasn’t talked to me in a while.  Like a punishment or something.  Funny how they do that repeatedly.  Thoughts?

 
Sorry for the loss you are experiencing... .times like that lead you to examine the other relationships and places in your life that you feel loss.     

I think you did "fine" in your interaction with her.  My one bit of advice would be to skip the "how are you".  Let her be the first to make that move... .perhaps you stay silent on it for an exchange or two.

Do you see how from a certain point of view that is you "pushing" for intimacy and it may "scare" her back a bit.

She lives in the push pull world.  My wife does to a much less extent.  Yep... it's manipulative as can be to use that to our advantage... .but honestly... .we have to be pragmatic about this.

So... .for me it looks like (ffw) "Boy I'm tired... .part of me says we should go to sleep, but part of me wants sex... "

FF says... .I'm tired too babe.  Let's snuggle and drift off to sleep.  in years past... .I would usually be pushing or jump at any chance for sex and closeness.  I've kinda flipped it where "most of the time" she is pursuing.

That being said... realize this is all "reading tea leaves"... .and we could be way off base.

FF

Thanks FF.  I will have lost all my grandparents within the last year.  Been tough, but I’m blessed to have them till I was 40 years old. 

Anyway, I had a feeling that I should have kept that out. Oh well. You’re right though about “reading tea leaves”.  This holding back and not contacting her is new territory and will continue that.  Still can’t believe it was 17 days.  Again, giving myself a pat on the back as I’m really trying to work on my self-confidence.

First, you don't validate advances. You accept them or you reject them. If you reject them, you can do it with no unneeded harshness--perhaps directly with words, perhaps just by not responding, perhaps with a "little white lie" on your reason... .depending on the situation. (Aside: Have you ever rejected her advances before, and if so, did she blow up/dysregulate when you did?)

As for why to reject her physical advances? I understand your reason that she's seeing other people (and if she's lying about it/inventing it, that's an even better reason than if it is merely true... .)

But that's not why *I* would do it in your shoes. I would reject it because I'd given up on being able to have a *stable* (sexual) relationship with her--because I know that after a day, a week, a month tops, she would be freezing me out again, rejecting me emotionally, physically, and in every way. If it was a one-time tinder date/one night stand, I'd have no expectations beyond a night of fun sex, and I'd accept the likelihood of never seeing her again, and wouldn't be hurt. But that's not the situation with her.

If I was in your shoes, no matter how good the sex was, it isn't worth it for another recycle-ish-whatever-it-is-cycle... .and even if she was willing to say she wasn't involved with anybody else, or even if she was willing to say she would commit to me again, I wouldn't believe that it could last well enough to do it again.

Note: I'm not saying that my choice *IS* right for you... .I'm explaining what I would do and why if it were me. I encourage you to make your own choices.

And similarly for reaching out to her for emotional support--I wouldn't do it because I would rather do that with somebody who I trusted to be there for me consistently.

GK brings up some things for you to think deeply about.

I would also bring up "protecting your heart" (reference Proverbs). 

I totally get it that it's "not just sex".  Sex is an important part of it and I'm sure... .ahem... .that you feel much better about life and things in general after a day or two of intimacy and sex with her.  That's normal... .that's healthy.

Where I am going to encourage YOU to do some "cost benefit analysis" is if the rejection cycle/devalue cycle is worth it.   It may be for you... .or it may not be... for you. 

Also, is the "benefit" (yeah... .I went there... .) of this worth you being "stuck" where you are at in life.  (perhaps use a different word for stuck).

I ask that because of the reaction/non-reaction to suggestions of dates... .going for coffee... etc etc. 

As things stand right now.  Assume you meet someone and they ask you to meet for coffee and conversation.  What do you do? 

Assume the coffee goes well and this person invites you over for "no strings attached sex"... .what do you do?

Or just invites you for another coffee?

No right or wrong answers here.  My concern is that YOU think these things through and "choose" a pathway for your life based on what you are "pretty sure" the "pathways" will provide... .vice what you "hope" they will provide.

Make sense?

FF

Shorter version of Grey Kitty... .

Being dumped once by someone sucks. Who wants to let someone dump you ten times?

Update:

So my ex and I have gone 21 days no contact when she sort of triggered me two days after my grandfather passed away.  She was very supportive and compassionate toward me.  We were communicating and saw each other a couple of times during that week.  We held hands and hugged but no kissing or anything.  Then two days after he passed away, I texted her that morning and told her I was thinking of her.  In the past, that meant we were thinking of each other physically when we would text that to each other.  This time I just wanted a friend.  She responded and said, “I’m seeing someone and don’t want to receive texts like this from you.  If you can’t stay within those boundaries then we won’t talk.”  It pissed me off.  It triggered me as I was looking for a friend and comfort.  I responded and told her that I didn’t mean anything by it and I was seeing someone also.  She responded, “What the heck?  At least try to be true to her.”  I responded that I wasn’t seeing anyone, that I was hurt, I was wrong for saying that and that I was tired of being treated like sh!t when I was inconvenient or she didn’t need me for anything.  She obviously didn’t respond and two days later of course I apologized for not being truthful and wasn’t dealing with my circumstances very well.  I left it at that but it’s been 21 days and I refuse to chase her any longer or allow her to lead the situation.  The last time was 17 days and she eventually texted me. I am tired of being mistreated or discarded at her convenience.  I’m not upset about it, but I’m setting a boundary for me.  I have noticed the last 4 days she is stalking some of my social media (Snapchat, twitter as she still has me blocked on Facebook).  She would rather do that than communicate?  What the heck is that?  Tired of that crap too!  I want healthy and want to lead the relationship, not do her dance.  I’m actually in a good place and really concentrating on me. The FOG is going away slowly but surely and the last few days I have wanted to text her knowing she is looking at my social media but have refrained.  Thoughts?

I'm not a big social medial guy... .I didn't finally get a FB account... .but only have 1 friend... by choice.

So... I don't understand how you can tell she is "stalking" you on social media.  My thought is that you choose to interact with social media in a way that you don't see or become aware of her "stalking".

   

FF

I don't have other social media accounts, so I can't say how it works on them, but I do have  a FB account. There is no way to tell who is looking at your profile or posts. I also have mine on highest privacy settings. You can do that so someone doesn't see a lot of what you have on your profile, but I keep in mind that nothing on social media is private.

I'm not sure it is stalking- it may be just curiosity or nosiness but whatever it is, I think it's common behavior. I wouldn't put any meaning to it.

Your focus now is on you- take care of you. Whatever she is doing on social media may not be about you at all.

So, you sent her a text that in the history of your relationship meant something sexual, and you got upset that she didn't read your mind? And then you reacted really badly, including lying to her. It took you two more days to apologize. And now you're angry at her again because you she didn't respond the way you wanted to your apology.

Based on that summary ... .what do you think?

Yikes, flourdust! You're really tough, but very clear summation.

ML, she does seem like she's holding her boundaries well. And if she's seeing someone else, you don't have a "relationship" that you can "lead". Though she's moved on to someone else, she probably still cares about you and that's why she's following your social media accounts.

Though I broke up with him almost 14 years ago, and I've been married for 12 years, I still Google my ex-boyfriend, and am curious what he's doing. Not that I'd want to ever get back together with him, but he was a really nice guy and I hope he's having a wonderful life.

I am very sorry about your grandfather and I think you need to consider how much grief you feel toward his loss as a separate issue, not blend it with the grief you feel about her.