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It's been six and a half months since I've seen her.  She had completely blocked me from any type of communication.  It's been tough, but I've been healing.  The last wound that I have been nursing was missing her friendship.  It's been like my best friend died.  Couldn't rationalize how she totally discarded me.  Yes, it ended with me doing something wrong, something that hurt her deeply -- but it didn't come from thin air -- it's a long story.

Anyway, last night the NC broke.  She called me several times in a row, I didn't pick up.  She left a v/m ... .  I decided to call her back.  She told me she missed me.  She asked me not to tell anyone she called, her boyfriend would kill her.  We had small talk.  I was so happy to hear from her.  I thought -- OK, this is what you wanted seenowayout -- she's alive, she misses you too, she feels what you do ... .

And then she followed up with texts -- "I wish it could have been a different ending"  and "I really had big love for you".

Let the shaming begin.  If I responded with why it ended in my point of view, how she split me black once she had me, how it went from idolization to constant shaming, rages, walking on eggshells, constantly making me feel bad about myself (not hard to do ... .) running away from me for working an hour overtime, going for a jog, wanting a beer with a buddy, paying a barmaid a complement for a well made martini --- she simply would have raged back again, incapable of ever accepting any responsibility and I would have lost her again and honestly just make her hurt again.  The whole relationship was her perceiving a hurt, running away from me, and me reeling her back in.  Not really good for either of us.

If she really had a big love for me, she would have listened to what I was saying about her behavior and not yell back "you deserve better, go get better".  If she really wished it had a different ending she would work with me towards that -- but I feel she was pushing me away the whole time, like she was creating a self fulfilling prophecy.  If she really loved me she would forgive me, like I forgave her -- over, and over and over again -- for real slights she inflicted on me.  She would thank me for helping her buy the house she's sleeping in with this thug she fears, for loving her completely, for flying her with me when I had to for business.  But never do I hear gratitude ever.

I'm in a new relationship.  I was with new gf when ex called.  She was OK with me talking to her, she encouraged me to call her back.  She thought it was crazy and selfish that exBPD could demand talking to me when she needed, but I had no access to her.  The new one hasn't raged at me over anything -- and I've told her everything.  She never uses anything against me, although she says there's a piece of her that worries about all of this. 

So the strength for ME-- I need to realize that I'm a good person.  I will be there for her when she needs.  But I won't compromise myself.   I didn't damage her.  I wasn't solely responsible for the break up.  I won't address her regrets.  I'll try not to have any.  This relationship simply would never have worked, there's a reason she's been married 3 times.  And above all, thank God for new gf -- for showing me what true love is.  She is a lot like me.

Am I making sense?  Am I making too much of all this?  Did I just wrong a good girl and screw up her life? 

No, I can't believe that.  Not when she immediately starts leading with how I screwed up.  Like she missed her punching bag.  Couldn't she at least say -- I know I'm hard sometimes.  Thank you for  all you did for me.  She did say she missed me... .

And there goes my brain and heart -- round and round and round. 

Maybe this actually was the salve for the healing of that last wound I've been praying for.

I'd say you landed a good one with the new gf in the fact that she was cool with you having the conversation.  Remember that if you begin to have more thoughts about the ex.  Do you feel it was cathartic to put some of this to bed?

Love and light x

Hello HQ.  YES -- the new GF has been a blessing, an answer to a prayer. I am very lucky

No -- I wouldn't say it was cathartic at all.  It was all kinda businesslike. When I spoke to her, and she said she missed ME, just simply missed me as a person  -- it was a relief -- like she wasn't erasing me, that at least we will always have the past, it was real and she was suffering as much as I was.  No big emotion really, just a fact. but there was also this fear -- that I wanted it back and she might be able to get me back. And then the texts that followed reminded me there is no good way back. It won't work.  She will always find fault in me -- and I just don't have time for that anymore. For anyone. I know I'm netter than that. People depend on me. And of course my new gf. It felt like a quiet closure.

I'm really pleasantly surprised. I was in so much pain six months ago. And honestly, not a day goes by I don't think about her.  But somehow pieces have come together. I learned a lot about myself.  Sounds crazy at this stage in my life. Not done yet  but man I really feel like I've come so far

I owe much of it to you and the others on this board

Thank you

Dear Seenowayout-

It sounds like this contact with your ex gave you a sense of relief that she may share some of the pain and emptiness you feel that the relationship's ending brought about.  I hope that's the case, but as many of us know, some people with BPD traits don't necessarily feel things the same way "normal" people do. 

Please be careful... .after This 6+ months of blocking , there could be an ulterior motive behind her contacting you.  Did you tell her that you have a new girlfriend?  You state that you've explained the relationship to Your current girlfriend and "there's a piece of her that worries about this".  You go on to state that you will be there for your ex when she needs you.   I don't mean to be harsh, but It sounds  as if your current GF may have reason to worry.  You went through so MUCH trauma following your breakup... .are you sure that being available to your ex is good for you?

With your head and your heart going round and round following that call, you may want to look at where you really are in your healing process and whether you're ready to be in a new relationship.  Not much time has passed considering the circumstances and the depth of your pain.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

My story 4 1/2 mos out.

 Exact sentiment. Yes, there was a momentary lapse of selfish behavior on my part.

 Part of me hopes to get a call. Part of me hopes to run into her on the street.

My heart is mending. My life has changed drastically.

Never give up recovery. Stay on your path with a new person.

Hi, am happy for you and you're new girlfriend, she sounds like a diamond. You used the word closure, do you think you could make it exactly that? Some of us never get that. You don't need your ex anymore, you have come to a happier place but because of her illness she won't reach that place without treatment and it doesn't sound like she feels she needs it as she is still blaming you. Leave her be now, it's hard I know but you cannot help her without destroying part of yourself and maybe all of you're new relationship. You sound like a lovely caring person and so does your new gf. Enjoy each other, and let your ex be just 'somebody that you used to know' x