BPDFamily.com

Prepare yourselves for some Black & White Thinking from my part: I know I will never be happy in my marriage with my uBPDw.

Even though she is undiagnosed, she has consistently shown over a 5 year period enough significantly dysfunctional behaviors on a daily basis for me to come to the conclusion that a)she will not acknowledge that she has a problem, b) that she must work to compromise in a relationship.  Any attempts at dialog between us, even with SET and a mountain of validation from my part, have resulted in a breakdown in communication and negative splitting.

I am certain that any attempt at counseling will be taken as an opportunity to go on the attack and not achieve any positive results for the relationship.  Any attempt at counseling would be counter-productive and a waste of precious finances.  Besides, I'm not in love with her any more. I just don't see the point.

So how would a lack of attempt at counseling on my part affect my position legally?  Would it count against me?

Hi, Dragon72. I'm sorry to hear it's come to that.

The answer to your question is likely going to be dependent on the laws of the state you live in. You may be able to get a sense of the answer from your state (or county's) family court website. However, the most concrete answer would come from a family law attorney. If you are moving toward divorce, you should set up interviews with 2-3 attorneys. These interviews may be free or they may have a nominal charge of a few hundred dollars. You'll get an hour of time to ask any question you want about your case, and the matter of counseling could be one of them.

I'm sorry your marriage isn't going to make it, Dragon72. Many of us have been there, and it's a tough place to be in, especially if you have kids together.

What do you think about flourdust's excellent advice to consult with a couple of attorneys?

It's a good idea to get clear about your goals (e.g. 50/50 custody), ask them for strategies (like whether to file first, or how to use mandatory mediation, etc.) and tactics (like using a custody evaluation or deposition, etc.), and how much they think the divorce will cost, how long they take to respond to emails, who from the firm will be working on your case, what do they know about the judge, and a detailed explanation about how things work where you live, etc.

If you haven't read Bill Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse, that's a good place to start, as well as asking questions here.

It will help you to look at the bigger picture of how individual actions impact your goals and strategies and tactics, in the context of where you live. You will also go through a processing of exiting the FOG, and that process will impact your thinking. Friends here who have been through that process and come out the other side can help point it out to you so that you don't self-sabotage or get into an unnecessary pissing match over BPD level grievances. We often lose the forest for the trees in these marriages, and losing that perspective can have consequences in our divorces. This isn't typically something that a lawyer can help you see, so it helps to have peers weigh in and walk you through those passages.

Divorce is a sad end to a marriage where there had been hopes and dreams of future together.  However, though your spouse may criticize you for effectively declaring the marriage beyond repair, either spouse can call an end to the marriage.  If you're in the USA then most states are No Fault and you won't be blamed for filing.  Period.  Court won't force you to stay married.  Some states may delay a divorce by ordering a waiting (cooling off) period but that's about it.

Domestic relations court is there to set boundaries and guidelines on unwinding a marriage.  The wife often gets some unwritten default preferences in divorce but at least the court's decisions are "less unfair" than the spouse would have offered or demanded.

Overall, court will not look poorly on you simply because you file or you decline to continue if your spouse won't sincerely approach therapy.

Though you can expect your spouse can blame and blame-shift onto you mercilessly.  There may be some financial aspects to it but its worst impacts will be emotionally.  Can you handle that?  Don't let her spiteful or vengeful attacks impact you overmuch.  Be the duck that has the water roll off its back, unperturbed.

Though you're a reasonably normal person, that doesn't mean you can't benefit from having a counselor to help you keep perspective and objectivity.  Peer support such as is found here is also so very helpful.

If you think you can maintain your sense of self, and admittedly this is not as easy as it sounds, I can't see trying counseling as hurting anything, but likewise, not trying it should not appear bad in court.
One advantage is that the formalized meetings in counseling can, first off: make you more resolved to end the marriage.  Seeing her craziness might remove the remaining doubts you have about getting divorced.  Second, it could show you her legal strategy, or at least her priorities and sticking points that will come up in a legal battle.  And third, it might bring some clarity and perspective to how things will proceed.  For example, STBX might not listen to you, but respond if a counselor calls her out on her disordered thinking and acting.
Most of all, the best answer to this question will be from the lawyer you choose.

Whether you attempt joint counseling or not, use your judgment but whatever else don't permit an extended Blamefest which she will surely attempt.

There do remain other concerns in a divorce.  You have a preschooler I believe and are living in your spouse's country.  I've heard in the past that Mexican officials are not very cooperative with non-native spouses and especially the Hague agreements on children of international marriages.  So if you do get favorable orders and choose to return to your country, or she takes your child and flees back home, you may not get much help from Mexican officialdom.

I would encourage you to be pragmatic and look at counseling as a "win win".

Either

1.  Counseling improves your r/s and you decided to delay or cancel divorce plans

or

2.  You gain more information that can be used for custody and other divorce arrangements.  That information will likely not paint your wife is a positive light.

Here is the general statement.  Courts like counseling, especially counseling that benefits the children.

Likely that is not "written in law" but it makes sense.  So, perhaps MC devolves into a place where after divorce filing you guys can talk parenting issues.  Perhaps you start your kid in therapy

Then... when your wife refuses or is obstructionist... .you "plead to the court"... ."look judge I'm trying to be a better coparent and I'm trying to help my kid with his emotional distress, but she is stopping it.  Here is the evidence.  Therefore grant me sole decision making over this area of my child's life"

Do you see how that could work?

FF