BPDFamily.com

I moved from AZ to WA State to be closer to my grandchild.  It was a huge move, I am 66 y/o and did it on my own.  A lot of things went wrong, and I was completely stressed out by the time I arrived.  That didn’t stop my DIL from wanting me to start babysitting before I even unpacked.   My son and DIL went on vacation and I got to hang out with my grandchild for almost a week.  While on vacation, I texted them and asked when they were going to return, so I could plan activities to keep my GC busy on the day they were coming back.  My DIL went ballistic on the phone, said my text was ruining their dinner, and I was selfish in asking the question.  My GC was in the room and I had the phone on speaker because we were baking cookies, I kept trying to get the phone off speaker, and of course, the more frantic I became to more uncoordinated I was with the phone.  I finally told her we couldn’t have the conversation at that time and could talk about it later when I got my GC to bed.  She refused to talk later and frankly I was relieved.  

The next day I decided I must learn more about communicating with her and I started looking up resources and texting them to myself, so I could look closely at them when I got home.  Her name starts with the same letter as mine and I inadvertently sent one of the information pages to her.  My son called and asked why I did that, I looked at the text and sure enough, it went to her, I told him what happened and apologized.  She got on the phone and was screaming at me.  I apologized for the mistake and told her we couldn’t have the conversation at that time, again, my GC was awake, in the room and could hear her mother screaming, though she wasn’t on speaker phone.  My son came to my house when it was time to pick up his child, as I didn’t feel safe around her at their home.  She is a very serious emotional abuser and bully.  

We haven’t spoken.  I texted an offer to talk later and this was responded to by her that she may talk in the future, but not now.  One of the reasons I moved up here was because I felt she was unraveling after their move and I really wanted to see what the situation was like on a day to day basis.  I have no idea how to proceed from here.  I have been trying to get in touch with the local Family Connections Skills Support Group for BPD, but so far haven’t gotten a response.   I am going to try and garner some time with my son, without her presence; however, I believe he is being moved through Biderman’s Chart of Coercion (http://www.Biderman’s Chart of Coercion) and is just worn out.  I welcome any and all suggestions.

It took over a year before someone from the Family Connections group got in touch with me. I encourage you to keep looking -- there are NEA-BPD Family Connections support groups out there that meet, but may not publicize online. And going to NAMI meetings may help you find specific BPD-related groups.

About your son... .there can be a lot of shame that goes with tolerating the abuse. I was in a 10 year marriage with an abuser (bipolar w/ BPD traits) and the best support I received was from a friend who said, Whether you stay or go, I'm here for you, and I'm here even if you change your mind a thousand times. She was a great listener, and sometimes just hearing myself say out loud what I was thinking and feeling internally helped me safely build the strength I needed to leave, at a pace that wasn't overly stressful.

People who lecture or scold or offer simple solutions (e.g. "you should leave" increased the shame I felt, which makes it hard to build emotional strength.

It's a fine line between enabling and being a sympathetic witness.

Your son and grandson are lucky to have you in their lives.

It will make a difference.

 

LnL

Thanks so much for resources.  I made contact with a facilitator today and she said much the same thing about joining some of the other groups.   There must be a much larger demand for support/education than there are resources.  And thanks for your kindness.