BPDFamily.com

Hello. I am in love with a lady diagnosed with BPD. I just found out about the disorder. I have been with her for over 3 years but she doubts my love and loyalty  for her daily which is actually frustrating. Because I have done basically everything within my power to win her trust. She had a rough childhood. Leaving her parents house since she was 17 years old. She is currently trying to build her relationship back with her parents. She is in good terms with her mum but not her dad. She claims her dad was abusive to her, her mum and siblings. She resents him for that. Back to our relationship. This experience has affected our relationship a lot because we fight over little things that don't matter. She says I don't take things seriously. She holds back to mistakes I had done  and uses them against me when a small fight comes up. She doesn't have friends because she finds it hard to maintain any casual relationship especially the Female ones. When she has issues with her female friends and I try to mediate which is a mistake, I know, she flares up and say she just wanted me to listen that I shouldn't say anything. Anytime I try to settle disagreements between her and her friends she says I'm not always on her side. She thinks the world is against her and sees everyone as enemies. And she doesn't think anything is her fault. I too have not been perfect in the relationship, I have cheated on her severely which she is now aware of. But she has forgiven me. I don't know why she did. That scares me actually. Maybe because she is scared of been abandoned because she has warned severally that she doesn't like been used. I know the trust I built over the years have been crushed completely so I'm trying to win back her trust. Especially now that I found out about this disorder. I didn't know what was wrong with her but I knew something was wrong. Now that I know I really sympathize with her and I really want to help because she is a beautiful lady with a good heart.I don't want it to destroy her life because she has a good career going on for her and she is young. I can't tell her that she has this disorder and that she needs help. It will just make her more angry and resent me. But I really want to help her come out of it.

Hi Jermaine,

Welcome *welcome*,

I'm sorry that you are having difficulties in your relationship. You've found a great place for support. I understand your desire to help your partner with their BPD symptoms. What does helping her get help look like to you?

It may sound odd but one of the best ways you can help your pwBPD is to begin working on yourself. Us Nons add to the conflict in our relationship in various ways, whether its always trying to make peace or withdrawling or arguing back. We have lots of resources on the left side of the page to teach us nonBPD members ways to better communicate with our spouse.

To get you started here is one of our lessons on  The Dos and Don'ts of a BPD Relationship  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0).

Jermaine, I would also like to add to the post by Tattered Heart and urge you to read the article here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde

You already have a diagnosis, and that is a starting point.  You have already described many of the features of BPD.

You acknowledging the cheating and its setback in your relationship is also a turning point for both of you.

Many of us nonBPDs have to learn to navigate the ups and downs of a relationship with a pwBPD.   You can also be a supportive ally to your GF as she attempts to reconnect with her M  Reconnecting with her F may not be possible, and I hope you and she understand this.