BPDFamily.com

My sister has BPD and puts me in an impossible bind. If I reach out to her, she responds with nasty and hurtful comments that leave me spiraling for days and unable to focus on work. If I take time away from the relationship to get myself back to normal, then I am abandoning her and the outbursts have added fuel to the fire when I do reach out again.

This just happened again last night, and I can't stop feeling like a failure. I feel like if I was a good enough person, I would have dropped everything in my life to go visit her, but I'm just not a good enough person and therefore I deserve everything she throws my way.

My mom just thinks I should work harder at fixing the relationship, and encourages me to get in touch with her without realizing the toll it takes on me.

I'm furious and depressed at the same time and I have no idea how to stop the cycle of this self-fulfilling prophecy (She is verbally abusive and accuses me of abandoning her--->I pull away because I'm hurt-->she feels even more abandoned and her reaction intensifies).

Hey eos, Welcome!  You describe a common dynamic: the Lose/Lose proposition with a pwBPD that a Non often finds him/herself.  I went through a similar situation during my divorce from my BPDxW.  It involved my Ex's characterization of my r/s with our children: If I reached out to them, I was "harassing" them; if I kept my distance, I was "abandoning" them.  It was no-win.  I finally decided to disregard th BPD Ex's commentaries and, instead, chart a course that matched what was in my heart to do.  Perhaps you could do the same: ignore the BPD crazy-making and figure out a path that seems right to you.

LuckyJim

Just remember: it isn't about your actions.  There is no objectively correct answer.  You'll never get it "right" because that isn't the game.  The game is to make the outside world match the inside world of chaos your sister experiences.

If she says you never do ____ and then you turn around and do that exact thing, you're only doing it because she said  / you didn't do it right / now the goalpost is somewhere else.

The goalpost will never stay in the same place; it is like Lucy holding Charlie Brown's football.  Be gentle with yourself, look for reassurances from your other healthy relationships that it is her not you.  Get to a point where you stop running up and trying to kick the football.

You can't control her behavior or reactions, you can only gently start working towards limiting the impact she has on you.

This advice is easy to give and so hard to follow.  I'm struggling really hard today to follow this advice myself.