BPDFamily.com

Hello all,
I have been married for 6 years to a man with undiagnosed BPD.  We have always had a volatile relationship, but things have steadily escalated over the years.   I have made many excuses for his verbal and emotional abuse and have stayed by his side against my better judgement. I recently went on a 2 month work assignment away from home and was finally able to experience life on my own. It was so freeing to be alone.  I could breathe for the first time in years. I knew that I needed to finally put an end to my marriage and move on with my life. I am still in the planning phase of leaving, but I need to make a move soon.  I am unsure the best way to do this and avoid his explosive anger and suicidal gestures. 

I've always written that when you get educated about PDs, learn how to deal with them and ways to minimize the conflict then you can make more informed and more confident decisions.  You can do that here with our remote but experienced peer support.

You probably can't avoid all his anger.  But most, yes.  More importantly, you can learn how to protect yourself and not get cornered.  If he's angry, you have the option to leave.  Have a Go Bag kept with a nearby trusted friend or family with necessary things like keys, cash, clothing, copies of documents, etc.

Also, you could choose to involve the police if an incident occurs and thereafter seek primary residence of the home for yourself.  (A TPO or TRO petition can do that.  It would give you a few weeks of breathing room if not months.)  Remember, shouting and aggressive moves can be considered a Domestic Dispute.  When the police respond, often one spouse is told to go somewhere else or carted off.  You just need to make sure your story is more credible than his.  (I recorded my incident and so my then-spouse could not deny it.  Of course, don't wave a recorder around, it can inflame an already tense situation.)

You would be smart to seek legal advice from experienced family law attorneys.  See more than one.  You need more than a form filer or hand holder.  You need a proactive, problem solving lawyer.  Ask them what strategies they would consider to handle the high conflict divorce.  But a word of caution.  You have a right to confidential conferences.  So don't pay with methods your spouse may see on a statement or in mail sent to your home.

Your spouse also does not have a right to interrogate you into the wee hours of the night or guilt you into confessing that you sought help.  Repeat, you have a right to privacy.  Do not share this.  Why?  Sharing is to make a marriage stronger, when the marriage is failing then you have to be very careful about what to share or not.

About his suicidal remarks.  Evidently he hasn't committed suicide until now.  Odds are that rather than him being suicidal, he really using those claims to control or manipulate you.  What do you think?  Ask a policeman or paramedic, typical first responders, or a doctor.  They'd probably say such a determination (whether he is really wanting help or not) is best determined by trained professionals.

Whether he is really that ill or slicking manipulating you, doesns't matter.  He is an adult.  You can't fix him, in fact, it's gotten worse over the years.  More time with him would only continue that pattern.  That's why your priority is to take care of yourself.  Are there any children?

Betty! I know this feeling. I spent the summer mostly alone with my kids. My PD husband took a seasonal job, he was only home 2 days per week My kids and I got to feel that freeing feeling, not wondering if we'd make a mistake, not caring if we didn't change the paper towel roll immediately, not afraid of the blow ups. We flowed like water... .and it was really the thing I needed to make that big decision. I am now trying to finalize 12 years of marriage, 7 of which have been pure hell.

I just wanted to echo some of what was said here.  Now that you have made the decision start planning (keep everything under your hat for now).  Meet with a few lawyers ask them what their strategy would be in your case and have they been involved in many "high conflict" cases because yours could likely go that way.

Make copies of important documents you might need, mortgage, retirement information, banking information, insurance, and if you have kids any information related to them.  You might also want to think about moving some small things that are valuable to you out of the house.  Think about where you will be living and act accordingly.

Have a plan in place/be prepared before you tell your husband.

As far a suicide threats, if he makes them call 911, let the professionals handle that.

Panda39