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Hi bpdfamily. This is my first post and it's quite long so I apologize in advance.

I was in a long distance relationship with a 23 year old woman from Mexico for 18 months. I'm 27.  I met her online on my quest to learn Spanish and we hit it off immediately. We had a ridiculous amount of things in common and we understood each other. I thought that I finally found my soulmate. We made our relationship official in about 2 weeks after meeting each other and we would talk about marriage and a future together very early into the relationship.

We had our ups and downs like any other couple, but we got along very well. We mainly communicated by Skype and WhatsApp, but we have met up with each other 4 times. I visited her twice in Mexico, the first time was to meet her family who absolutely loved me and the second time to accompany her to another state to get her visa to visit the USA, which I paid for. I paid for all of her plane tickets as well. She visited me twice to meet my family, who loved her, and to just spend time together. We were deeply in love with each other and everything just felt right. I couldn't be happier and definitely saw this woman as my ideal wife.

There were some red flags that I simply ignored because I loved her so much and I thought that these were things that would eventually pass over time.

 red-flag She would constantly hammer my phone with text messages and if I didn't answer them in what she would consider a timely manner she would resort to calling me multiple times. When we first met we would spend hours upon hours shooting texts back and forth with little to no breaks in between. It was fun an exciting at first, but then it became annoying and there were times where I would ignore her simply to have some time to myself. She has accused me of cheating a few times whenever I wouldn't answer her. There was a time I fell asleep after work only to wake up to 20 something missed calls and tons of text messages. She definitely had trust issues and I would have to constantly remind her that she has me and I'm not going to leave her for anything or anyone.

 red-flag She never like the idea of me having time to myself. Whether it be me spending time with my family, playing video games, or even taking a nap she would freak out when I would ask her to talk later so that I could have a little bit of "me" time. She hated it and would often tell me that she senses that I have a "lack of interest" in her.

 red-flag She got jealous very easily. She hated the idea of me talking to other women. She hated one of my female friends who I knew way before my ex. I had no romantic interest in this girl and vice-versa, as far as I could tell. She would always call her "whore" whenever she would come up in conversation, but my ex never even met her. I kept my communication with this girl to a minimum once I found out that she didn't like her. She would also say something along the lines of "What out for the whores, honey" whenever I would tell her I was going out anywhere. I thought she was joking at first, but I guess she wasn't. I would always reassure her that she could trust me not to engage in any kind of cheating or betrayal. She definitely had a fear of abandonment. There has been countless times where she has asked me ":)id you find someone else?",":)id you meet someone?","What if you go there and there's a girl there that likes you?"

 red-flag She was VERY emotional. She would cry very easily whether it be because of a small disagreement that we've had, a sad movie, or sometimes seemingly out of nowhere for no reason at all. Sometimes she would would even blame her "time of the month", but I've never been with a girl that got extremely emotional and would burst into tears because of that. She would get so excited or so anxious sometimes that she would throw up. There were times where she wouldn't talk to me for a short period after I did something wrong like joke around about my "other girlfriend" or if she didn't like the tone in which I said something to her. I definitely always tried staying on her good side because I knew how sensitive she was. She would also want to show excessive amount of public displays of affection which we've argued about before because I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it sometimes.

 red-flag I knew very little of her past relationships but she has told me things like how she had an ex that pulled a gun on her, how she has been cheated on, and how she has connected with a couple of other guys from other countries. She mentioned a Jamaican guy friend that came to visit her and that he spent a nights at her and her family's house. She told me that she liked him, but things didn't work out between them. She even told me about a guy from the USA that she was interested in but she said that they weren't in a relationship because he didn't want one. They even went on vacation together. She told me this guy cheated on her even though they weren't in a relationship. Whenever I would tell her it's not cheating if you aren't together she would say "Well I felt cheated on". The guy texted her one time a few weeks after we met and, according to her, asked about starting a relationship with her. She got very emotional and cried a lot. I tried calming her down and she told me that she needed time to think. She eventually calmed down and I told her to block him. It seemed like all the guys she dealt with in the past were "bad".

 red-flag She wasn't a fan of using condoms during intercourse.

 red-flag Her sister was born with a severe defect and was only seizure medication. My ex told me she would take some of the pills herself because one of the side effects were weight loss. I told her that she should stop and that I thought she was fine the way she was. She got upset at me and told me she knew that she shouldn't have told me about it.
 
 red-flag She mentioned to me that she thought it would be interesting to kill someone. She said this in a way that seems like she wanted to gauge my reaction and then quickly said "Please don't leave me ". I thought she was joking, but thinking back to when she said that made me I wasn't too sure she was.

Her home life was a bit stressful for her. She would have to work at her grandmothers grocery store, go to school, do homework, cook, clean, and take of her siblings because her mother suffered really bad depression and wouldn't get up until much later in the day. After she graduated university some family friends presented an opportunity to her. They lived in Cancun, which was much closer to me and would minimize travel time/costs, and they invited her to stay with them until she found a job so that she could get an apartment for herself. I gladly paid for her plane ticket because we wanted to be closer to each other and the area she lived in wasn't too safe.

Her and her mother actually got robbed for the first time a couple of months before she moved and the phone that I bought her for Christmas got stolen. She was coming home from the mall by herself, it was a bit late and I told her to contact her mother to meet up with her at the bus stop that night so that she wasn't walking home alone . To this day I feel like I was meant to protect her after making that call because I hate to think what could have happened that night if she were alone. I couldn't eat or sleep that night. I even helped buy her a new phone. I was positive that at this point in our relationship that she knew how much she meant to me.

She moved to Cancun and she lived with an older woman who she considered her aunt, 2 girls that are around her age, a younger brother, and a baby girl. She began to look for work there. She shopped around until she found a job selling timeshares. She seemed somewhat passionate about it because she loved to meet new people. She even called me one day, while in the bathroom, crying because she felt that she was close to making a sale.

The time we had to Skype was cut down to maybe about 30 minutes - 1 hour a day from around 2 or 3 hours at most a day. She would cry sometimes and tell me that she misses me and that she wants me to come and visit. I was having issues with making that work anytime time soon because of work scheduling issues, but we always talked about it and I even planned to book the flight in a few days when I got paid.

She called me one day after work and seemed very uninterested in what I had to say. I asked her if she wanted to Skype and when we saw each other, she gave me a look of disinterest, something that I've never seen her give me before. I'm trying to talk to her like I normally do and make her laugh, but she responds with "I kind of want to talk to you, but I kind of don't at the same time." That made my heart sink and I was very curious as to why she felt that way. We have texted that whole day and everything seemed normal. She began to burst into tears while telling me all of the mistakes that I've made and that I haven't made enough of an effort to go and see her (it's been 5 months since we were physically together). She's constantly telling me that I have a lack of interest in her and that the relationship was not 50/50 (which is definitely false). She went on to tell me more "mistakes" I've made in the past and I'm just constantly apologizing while trying to calm her down, but she would just cry to the point where she tells me that she cannot talk anymore and then hang up. This happened about 3 times that night while trying to Skype with her and 1 time when I called her on the phone. I get a text at midnight from her telling me things like I need to "win her back" and that I need to be more loving to her. I respond by saying that this is very strange and that I've always showed her nothing but love and respect. I don't hear much from her during the next day until about 10 PM when she calls me and asks me how I was doing. I was put off a little bit with her question and the way she asked it so I told her that I was just "fine" and the conversation seemed unusually empty. It was very weird and I told her that I had to go and that I would call her back. She texts me on Whats App saying "Wow, you really hate me" and she deletes my number from her phone (I wasn't able to see her profile picture). I send her a message back telling her I don't hate her and that I wish I understood what happened yesterday.

She sends me a message the next morning telling me she would like to Skype. During our conversation she explains to me that there is a man that she met at her job that is 36, has a 14 year old son, and makes her feel like a goddess. She had just came home from being on a date with him the night before when she called me. He texts/calls her every morning and is "ready to do anything for with a simple phone call". She tells me that she is confused about our relationship. That she doesn't want to lose me, but this man makes her feel extremely happy. She has only known this man for around 20 days at this point and he is already winning her over me after a year and a half of spending thousands of hours of staying connected on a daily basis. She seemed to be gaining this man's trust rather quickly while it took me months to get her to trust that I wouldn't hurt her. She even told me she kissed him, which just shattered me. I assumed we were done at this point, but she says that she is very confused and just wants me to come so that this can be fixed. I was stupidly willing to forgive her for doing this to me because I didn't want to lose who I thought was my soulmate.

For the next couple weeks our relationship becomes this weird roller-coaster where she is barely talking to me, giving me a nickname she has never called me before, and is starting to become harder to reach in general. Somehow I couldn't make calls to her phone until we both discovered someone blocked me, she claimed she didn't know why I wasn't able to make calls until she actually checked her contacts and saw me blacklisted. She said she definitely didn't do it, what she did do was silence/disable notifications for me whenever I would send her a message via text and she showed this to me on Skype one day and I told her to change it back. Her WhatsApp picture, which contained both of us, was just her now. I questioned it and she changed it back. Then changed it back to herself again a couple of hours later. I was beginning to get fed up with the way she is acting because it seemed so unlike her. Her attitude has changed. She made it seem like I had to fight for her love. She still seemed very interested in me and wanting to see me, so I bought a plane ticket to see her and made hotel reservations at a 5-star resort. After this happened, she started to become even harder to reach and I would only get to Skype with her at night while she was half-asleep. At this point in time she tells me that she doesn't want to talk about our relationship until I arrive and that we should take a "break". She also told me that she is starting another job because she actually loved me and the man was becoming a "distraction.

She began to complain that I'm only going to visit her for a week, she's getting tired of the distance, and that she wants me to live there with her. As much as I loved her, I did not want to do anything like that anytime soon. She then officially breaks up with me and starts "dating" this man and tells me things like he takes her grocery shopping and that she's going to get a place with him soon while saying "sorry" afterward. I'm crushed because we've been through so much and got along so well only to have our relationship end because of how this man makes her "feel". I wanted to stop talking with her at this point, but she insisted I should be mature, continue talking with her, and that when I come we could possibly fix things. I wanted to fix things even though she broke my heart because I loved her, but she was getting much harder to talk to. She would also try to start arguments with me about random things and she would give me mixed signals. Some days she would be cold, send me 1 word texts, would read my messages and not reply, and she would promise to Skype with me sometimes after work but she would do other stuff until it got really late and we couldn't anymore. She would also ask me things like "What if, when you come, I fall for you and you take revenge by breaking my heart" and "Would you live here with me?". I was online one time talking to a friend of mine about this situation and she saw that I was online not talking to her and she asked if I was talking to another girl, because if I was it would make her jealous.

The entire situation made me turn to her mother. My ex didn't want me communicating with her mother, but I needed to tell her about what was going on because I was very confused, worried, and my ex was leaving her mom in the dark about her life in Cancun. Her mother was shocked and upset so she called her and told her that what she was doing was unacceptable. My ex catches wind of this and sends me a VERY heated drunk text message calling me a "weak p***y" for not being able to cope with her leaving me, that I'm a "disgusting piece of s**t", and that I should leave her and her family alone. She even told her mother about things that we were supposed to keep between us because it might offend her. She says that I'm not a good person. She tells me that I don't know what his intentions are, that I don't know him, that I don't know her, that she hates me, and to never contact her again. She also said that I never wanted her to succeed or be independent (what?). She finished by saying "Guess what? I never really trusted you and always cheated on you from the since the beginning". I wasn't sure if I believed that or not, but it appeared to me that she definitely wanted to burn bridges. She blocked me after this. She has never insulted in such a way, ever.

I ended up going to Cancun about 2 weeks later and we were not in contact at all before I went. Luckily I had family there on vacation as well. When I touched down and turn my phone off of airplane mode, I noticed I received a text from her asking if I took the flight. I said "Yes" and didn't hear anything back from her for the rest of the day. She texts me the next day and asks me "How's it going" followed by 3 phone calls to which I didn't reply to because I was actually trying to enjoy time with my family and a friend of mine that actually lives close by. She contacted my cousin asking him to ask me if I would like to meet up with her. I told him not to answer and I texted her on my phone to tell her why does she want to do that to which she replied "I just want to hug you and be with you".  She continued to say that she changed her mind about what she said to me and that she never actually cheated on me. She constantly pestered me to talk in person. I gave in and said fine and to come to my hotel. She said that she needs to find a way to get there (it was maybe about 10-15 minutes away from where she was staying). She asked if I could send a taxi for her. I asked her for the address for where she was staying and she asked me to wait a minute. 5 minutes go by and I asked her if she was coming and she asked if she could come tomorrow instead... .I told her no because I would be celebrating my cousin's birthday, which she knew, and that I would talk to her later if she wasn't coming on that day to which she replied ":/". I felt that she was just going to play mind games for my whole stay there so I decided to block her and to just try to enjoy the rest of my vacation without any drama.

When I got back to the states I unblocked her after about 2 weeks. She texted me asking if we could talk. She called me and started asking me things like why I didn't contact her after that day and asking me a ton of questions like we haven't spoken to each other in months. I just told her I really can't take anymore drama and that I just wanted to enjoy my stay there. She sounded very weird. Like she was close to tears but fighting them back and she kept asking if I missed her, but I would always ignore it. She also said things like she would be with me again and that she knows it wouldn't be the same. Something else that I noticed while speaking to her was that she would constantly ask "You know?" after every sentence. It was strange because I've never heard her say that for the 18 months we were together. I just told her that she should focus on her current relationship. After that conversation she texted me telling me "Wow, you really don't care about me anymore. Shame on me". I told her not to say that and that I would talk to her later and that when she told me that she wasn't in a relationship. Part of me really was tired of this roller coaster but another part of me wanted to at least slowly try us again since she told me she wasn't seeing anyone. I didn't bother asking her what happened. I just told her "Sorry it didn't work".

We start texting back and forth for a few days but she would reply very slowly and sometimes reading my messages and not replying until the next day. About a week after being back in touch I noticed that she deleted my number from her phone via WhatsApp and I asked her why to which she responded "I'm dating and this guy goes through my phone. I'm not sure what to do because I never dealt with someone like this before haha!" This brought me to a much lower point than I was before and I felt really depressed. It's like she's playing games with me but it also seems like she can't be single for long. I removed her number from my phone and I have been NC for 25 days. She has made 2 separate attempts to contact me which I ignored. I've been slowly but surely recovering from this whole ordeal. Her whole change in personality is what completely caught me off guard and everything from the breakup up to when I last spoke to her seemed very strange.

Does this seem like a case of BPD? Sorry for the huge wall of text, I've just been looking for answers during this very confusing time.

Hi gr1ngo and welcome 

Thanks for sharing your story.  I'm sorry for what you've been through and for the position you find yourself in now.  What you describe must have been very painful and confusing for you.  How did you come across BPD as a possible explanation for her behaviour?  Many members were searching online for answers to their partners' behaviours and found the correlation. 

We cannot diagnose here, however I must say that from what you wrote about the behaviours it certainly does sound like there are some BPD traits there.  I'd encourage you to read up on the disorder and it can help you to separate the behaviours from the person somewhat and also to see that it was not about you.  These things stem back a very long way in her life and could well be around until such time as she seeks proper treatment and commits to it long term.

I'd suggest you begin with this article on How a borderline relationship evolves (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves), and see if you feel this fits with the patterns in your relationship.  It helped to explain a lot for me and allowed me to step back a little and look at things from a new perspective.  This loss is really tough and I feel for you as the early stages are the toughest.  Just know that as you get through this difficult time things do get easier.  Everyone here can relate to your situation and knows what you're experiencing.  It was a comfort to me to know I was not the only person who's head was spinning after what had happened in my life.  Do you have supportive friends and family? 

Keep reading and let us know how best we can support you.  We're here and listening.

Love and light x     

Hello Harley!

I came across BPD after simply searching for terms like "abrupt breakup","personality change","unstable emotions",etc. I'm pretty sure that if this is a case of BPD that I have been split black. The more I would recount this situation in my head, the less sense it started to make. I've done a lot for her and a really loved her. It's like she turned into a completely different person. I even thought that she might have been doing drugs! The change was so drastic! I've made so many sacrifices only to be met with this new version of my ex and I just had no idea of what could have possibly happened.

My family has been very supportive, but equally confused as I am as to what exactly happened with her.

I also found that speed at which she was moving with this much older guy that she barely knew to be rather unusual and didn't seem "healthy" especially when she has told me quite a few times that she was never attracted to much older men.

She has also said things like she doesn't want to "Be my girlfriend forever" and that if I didn't marry her after a certain amount of time she wouldn't want to be with me anymore.

It certainly is very confusing and painful when the person who has been so loving and adoring of you suddenly turns on you and is so very different in their approach.  It send us into a mental and emotional spin.  I'm glad that your family are being supportive. 

A pwBPD struggles with fear of abandonment and can want to move things along in a r/s in order to feel more secure.  It sounds like this was the case with your ex in her stating that she wanted to get married quickly.  Learning all you can about BPD and the ways that it impacts sufferers can help us to detach a little from the situation and understand what was driving the behaviours.  Another article which I found incredibly helpful in the early stages is Surviving a breakup when your partner has BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality).  It may sound a little off the wall, but I actually sent both this and the previous article I shared with you to my family members who wished to be supportive, so that they might better understand what I was going through.  It is very informative and also was a yardstick for me to measure my progress by as I detached and healed.

I'd be very interested to know if any of the beliefs that keep us stuck seem to fit with you at present. 

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing and how best we can support.

Love and light x