BPDFamily.com

In case you have not read my intro on what has brought me to this board most recently, you can start here for more background into my question - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=316221.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=316221.0).

I'll just be sum it up as we are getting over it in what feels like a very fast pace.

So onto my question, for any others who have been through a similar ordeal with a long loved family or friend BP of whom you were aware of the BP issue and potential for suicide for a long while before taking their own life: Is this normal?

Seriously, I know that we all grieve in our own way, and we all feel guilt, love, confusion, depression, and even hate over such things, but I am honestly surprised at how myself and my children are handling the aftermath just over 3 weeks later. I contemplated the what-ifs over the years, but I thought things would be worse for us emotionally than this.

People keep suggesting counselling for us, but speaking from the inside, I'm not sure what it would serve to do at this point. Rolling through the five stages of grief, perhaps I am missing something. Or perhaps it is an extension of the grief of others that I am really seeing in their efforts to offer help (bargaining?).

I don't know honestly, but the suggestions are making me uncomfortable as if to suggest that there should be something wrong that we need to be working through when by all accounts I can see, there isn't.

Grief is so tricky. It's a process that looks differently for everyone. You might be fine now and in a month the weight of it all hits. Or you might never go through intense grief.

I'd say the best thing is that when the sadness, anger, guilt, bargaining, denial, or acceptance happens, just go with it. Experience it completely. Cry when you need to cry. Scream when you need to scream. Handle life well when you can. Don't compare your process to others. Don't hold it back. And let your children see you go through it too. That way they know it's ok to grieve too.

Thanks TatteredHeart. One thing that has not been hidden from my children and others is my tears - one huge s-load of tears. Cried more in front of them that first week than they had ever seen anybody cry ever I think! 

I did have some moments today with a few hours time to myself to think about things as I went to retrieve the shotgun she used from the next county's 'safe keeping'. (Tried to sell it, but that's another story.) The sight of the gun and handling had close to zero impact on me, but the driving, past places familiar with familiar music playing really tugged at my feels for missing her. But it was alone time, and it was good. Some tears, some loneliness, but mostly just missing her.

Trying to come up with a creative way to destroy the gun now. Have an idea for an art project, but I hazard to think about how it will make others feel. Not sure I want to go there . .

Hi evanescent,

I've read your previous post and would like to offer my condolences for your loss.   It sounds like you are processing the events well. I'm glad to hear that your children are, as well.

I do agree with Tattered Heart: Grief can appear somewhat "delayed," and rear its head in various ways later down the line. At least, that has been my experience, having lost my father not long ago, and recently my closest friend (not suicides). As you say, there are feelings of relief mixed in with grief and missing your wife. I think it's great that you are allowing yourself to feel everything and communicating openly with your children.

Nothing wrong with holding off on therapy until/unless you feel you need assistance. Grieving isn't linear, so what feels okay today, might not later, and vice versa. In any case, we're here to walk with you as you recover. 

heartandwhole

I helped two teenagers through this and all was calm in the immediate aftermath. They cried the first day and then were calm.

They were deeply wounded, though, and it surfaced months later and increased with time.

Mine last attempted in March and is still very much at risk IMHO. He was close to attempting again just before we separated again and alluded to more thoughts afterwards. He now lives many states away, and we barely communicate, so I don't know how he's doing now. I'm 95% sure he's not in therapy and isn't taking medication.

So I asked our therapist what to do if it happens. She said as you said that the grief may not be as bad at first because of the circumstances, and if we're OK, not to call her right away. But she suggested a check-in here-and-there with her in the first year because it may hit at some point. For what it's worth.

The thing that seems to keep coming up with everybody at this point, and that I got my youngest (13) to open up about today, is the thought impulse of the nature of "I should tell <BP> this . . ", which is of course about as far as it goes. Just a reminder of what was and is no more. I doubt that will ever stop, if only hopefully to transition to "<BP> would have loved to hear about this." at some point. I doubt we are in any way ahead of the curve on that.   

Well, add 'forgetfulness' to the grief coping arsenal. Today was a day for that!

Hoping it wasn't a sign of something else.   

Well today was definitely an 'anger' day.

What happened, evanescent?

The impact it has had on my daughter's first quarter away at college has been tremendous. Almost dropped out. Irony being that our daughter was the kid she was so proud to see doing well, but had recently banned her from our lives for not doing what was expected before school even started. There was so much conflict between those two. Always made me sad, and now this.

HOW could she think this would be good for us?

Honestly, today was not a good day either. Stressed by work, anxious as I was, forgetting things, getting quick to anger and quick to tears. Perhaps the last month is better described as shock. I ended up leaving half way through my work shift. Didn't feel able to deal with customers.

I think I may be going the counselling route for myself at least.

I keep myself from obsessing about any one thing, but work feels half-impossible with constant thoughts and reminders taking me back to day one. She left Pink's 'What About Us?' on a playlist as part of her note, and when 'What About Us?' came on the radio today I just lost it, sitting alone in my work truck, sobbing, thankful for the heavy rain streaks obscuring the windows to passers-by. Yeah, what about us? F***ing narcissist!

evanescent,

I'm sorry you and your children are going through this. It's so difficult.   I'm glad, though, that you are giving yourself space to feel. That is very important. In my experience, grieving is an up, down, and all around experience. The stages cycle in and out of order and repeat themselves.

I encourage you to seek support for you and your family. If your children aren't ready, they may change their minds when they see you getting help for yourself.

How is the communication between you and your children at the moment?

Do you have trusted friends and other family to lean on?

Hang in there. We are here for you.

heartandwhole

The one thing I can say is that I can't imagine the support from friends and family we have received being any better. It has been beyond my wildest expectations and I am so immeasurably thankful for it.

My daughter is the one most willing to really talk about things and we do every now and then. My oldest however doesn't really want to discuss any of it, but he is on the spectrum for Asperger's and is constantly presenting me with talk about things I have nearly ZERO interest in. Not worried about him at all really. I think my youngest son however had given up on his mother long ago. Not in love, but in ability to cope with normal things. Just detached.  That makes me sad to think about, but I get it and understand. He may have some emotional boomerang action from that down the road, but for now he seems no worse for the wear.

I took today off as well to handle business and hopefully get myself a little more 'right'. Back to work tomorrow, then a three day weekend. Pretty sure I can handle that much for now . .