BPDFamily.com

Greetings again,

I do not want this to come off whiney but I am continuing to have a very hard time coping.  

a short backstory for those who didn't get my first ever post.

-Dated girl for two years.
-Broke up 4 months ago when i caught her with her fiance.
-she saw me in my car, ran inside, texted me that she couldnt eat lunch and got mad at me for coming to see her. Then ran outside a side door to fiances car.
-I approached and said i had been dating her for two years. She screamed ":)rive" repeatedly until he drove off.
-One hour later police call me and say her boss called them and she told them we have been broken up for over a year and ive been stalking her. I sent cops weeks worth of txts leading up until that morning of where i saw her that same week... .
-found out that she had living double life for a full year of our two year relationship

Essentially after I got the call from the police and seeing her cry and lie to them on the body camera, I didn't hear from her for a week. Also, 4 Hours before i caught her she texted me before work "Good morning my love, how did you sleep". I had no idea she was living this double life, completely unaware.  After no contact for a week she texted me and blamed me, said things I said to her ( out of anger of what i just witnessed ) would haunt her dreams and she would never forget them. Swore up and down on her sons life she never cheated, cops were lying to me. Called herself crazy and says she doesn't deserve to be with anyone. Said at-least she got to feel my love. etc.etc.

I just can not make sense of even after this breakdown when it ended. She was still so loving during her highs and even days before i found her she was texting me saying her son didn't make her happy, her life is terrible, she wants to die, if i called the police if she OD'd and lived she would never talk to me again. Keep in mind, she had me and a fiance.

I just can not wrap my head around all these in-depth emotions she was still giving me, making me feel like i'm all she had in her chaotic world.  Confiding in me with her problems and me trying to help me, offer her money and support, still getting gifts from my family and coming to see my parents. Im confident i did help her with fake life events.

In person, still wanting romance, complaining, wanting affection, crying. No changes in emotion. It was exhausting to try and help her be happy but how could she continue to but out this effort.

how can someone be this depressed? How could she txt me daily and tell me she loves me, she misses me and that she would be broken without me for so long while living a double life. I was moving 3 hours away for graduate school and she continuously said how much shed miss me and be "broken".

I apologize  if this comes off whiney. I know a lot of people in here have dealt with bad situations with lovers but pondering this myself over 4 months i still just cannot fathom any of it.  Im confused on how to feel. Should i feel sorry for her, but hold her accountable for her actions of potentially harming my future to self herself. Sometimes i feel sad knowing i could provide more for her than what she chose to keep and because i felt i was her support blanket in this double life.

I guess the main thing is how. The in-depth emotions to hours later hating & blaming me. to 4 months later not hearing from her after i assumed we had a future together?

JB

Hi JRB,

I think you have highlighted an important point here:


To a pwBPD, fear of abandonment and any perceived rejection is a huge struggle emotionally.  It sounds to me like she was hoping that you would either stay or ask her to move with you.  The fear of losing you may have been the trigger for her to enter into this other r/s alongside yours in order to protect herself from feeling alone and unable to cope by herself.  I don't doubt that she loved you in her own way, to the best of her ability.  The fact is, she lacked the emotional maturity and r/s skills to have a healthy r/s with you or anyone else.  Her behaviour is driven by her ways of coping with her intense emotions (feelings = facts), the fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment.  Having two of you at the same time was like a coping mechanism for her to safeguard herself against being left alone by either one of you and if either were split black the other would likely be split white.  It gave her a safety net of sorts. 

This could be part of a lifelong pattern of behaviour though, JRB and is not about you or anything you did or didn't do.  Even if you had done things differently, something else could and likely would have triggered the same maladaptive coping in her.  I know it's hard making sense of all of this, and deeply painful to find yourself in such a confusing and upsetting situation.  At the same time, it's not necessarily possible to make sense of everything here.  The reality is that a pwBPD has a massive emotional struggle which can be a constant battle.  Her confusing mixed signals are a symptom of her own mixed up confusion of ever changing feelings and her personal struggle to handle these the only way she knows how.  We cannot hope for a rational explanation for some of it, other than to accept that this is a complex attachment disorder and affects her in many ways that then manifest into the behaviour you've experienced.

How are you feeling in yourself at the moment?  What would you like to resolve that might allow you to move forwards?  Where do you feel you are at in the stages shown in the Lessons (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37613.msg347360#msg347360)?

It's great that you're posting about this and being open and honest here about your feelings and thought process.  That's healthy as it's good to get this stuff out of your system.  Don't knock yourself for that.  It takes a strong individual to open up like this and seek support with things that are hard to deal with.  That's what we're here for.  To help one another through times like this where we can feel stuck.  Don't forget that your post will be helping others also who may be in similar situations, so keep sharing as much as you need to.

Love and light x

 

Harley Quinn mentioned life long behavioural patterns and I just wanted to add to this paragraph that BPD is a cluster B Disorder the dramatic disorders and she was looking for emotional rescue and it tugged at your heart like many members here.