BPDFamily.com

I’ve made other posts regarding this person, but I’m having the hardest time letting go. In short, we spent a couple of great months together... she told me I saved her, I felt like home to her, and that she’s so lucky to have found me. Almost a month ago she broke it off suddenly, saying she couldn’t be a good woman back to me and blah blah blah. I was blind sided and devastated, so I panicked. Because of this she blocked me on everything. A few weeks ago I noticed I could see her Facebook again, but remained no contact. Days later I received a birthday gift from her (which was ordered before the split so that was insignificant). I called her from another number because I felt like I should thank her. It turned into a conversation about why things won’t work and I abruptly ended it by saying I had to go, and that I just wish her happiness. Now, a couple days ago I was in my instagram DMs and could see her thread again, meaning I’m now unblocked on there too. WHY unblock me for no reason? That took thought to do, and I don’t get why she’d do that if she wants me out of her life. Why not just leave me blocked and leave it at that? I know I’m not making things easier for myself but I’m someone who NEEDS to understand. Because of this I occasionally check her FB and see her sharing these public posts about “walking away from something that wasn’t making you happy” and “deserving someone who loves her as much as her best friend” and crap like that. I treated this girl SO well. Made time to talk to her every day, we drove to see each other every weekend, took her to lunches and dinners and movies, skipped a golf outing to spend her entire birthday weekend with her, bought her gifts, spent time with her and her family, went out of town a couple times together. It just doesn’t make sense why now it seems like I’m nothing to her, yet she clearly thought of me enough to unblock me.

Sorry love, she's probably preparing for a recycle. Please try to stay strong and don't let her. Read as much as you can on here and you will see why. You can't fix her, she will destroy you, such is this illness. It will be hard but please be strong. As the subject of many heartbreaking soul destroying recycles to the pointing of taking my own life I do know what I am talking about. Try not to engage in conversation, don't look at her social media, spend time with friends and let go if you can. Good luck

Hi Loveless2615,

*welcome*

I’ll answer your question with another question. What are you going to do if she wants to get back together?

I’ve done a lot of reading and, while I understand I’m no expert and no two people are the same, her behavior during the split doesn’t seem consistent with the typical way people are “split black” and discarded. She didn’t get nasty or insulting, just said it wasn’t fair that she couldn’t be good back to me (which I thought she was) and she didn’t want to hurt me worse down the road. Now maybe these are just excuses but I was constantly told how I make her so happy and from our time together, that seemed very true.

As far as what I’d do, I’d start by asking for a face to face conversation. I LOATHE important conversations happening via text message. Honestly I find it ridiculous. Then I’d be straight forward, tell her I’m not going to play games and pretend I don’t want her back. BUT I also need to know the root cause of what happened and how we’re going to both fix it. I’ve been screwed over by complete narcissists and somehow I’m still caring and compassionate (not sure why) so I just feel compelled to love this girl despite everything. I really love everything about her, and this feels different than being screwed over. It’s just been hard to let go of hope, and even harder now with these (possible?) signs, even though our phone call last week she told me not to wait for her or whatever.

Hi Loveless2615,


I think how some people with BPD (pwBPD) react/behave when they split (idealize/devalue) their interpersonal relationships varies from person to person.  Personally I think the degree of their attachment can be a factor.  How they react is less important than the fact that they are splitting you.

Your BPD loved one broke things off suddenly, causing you to panic and feel blindsided. She then blocked you on all her social media. This sounds like the behavior of someone who is possibly devaluing you.

And just like other pwBPD, the emotions behind their devalue dissipated, enough that later she started to unblock you.  And I agree with Sadly, she's setting you up to be recycled.


The rub is, you can no more fix this behavior (i.e. splitting) than you can cure her disorder by loving her "enough."  Whether or not you are playing games or pretending x, y, z, if she has this disorder, she's going to alternate between idealizing and devaluing you.  This is going to happen because she has this disorder.

If she is denial about having this disorder, then she's going to project her issues onto you and subsequently blame you (directly or indirectly) for what she is going through.  Maybe for now her disordered emotions are manageable enough that she can insulate you from them; but give it another cycle or two and her behaviors might be more "typical" and recognizable.
 

Consider, that while you feel compelled to love this girl.  She feels compelled to alternate between idealizing you and devaluing you.  She is following her feelings.  It's just that her feelings (and her psychology) are very different from yours.

I would argue that all the qualities you love about her, are just your own qualities that she mirrored back at you.  And you would be better served by figuring out why you might not be as caring and compassionate towards yourself as you are towards this girl.  If you care about someone who is going through what you are going through, who is in love with someone who treats them just as this girl has treated you, what would your advice be for such a person?

Best wishes,

Schwing

Hi Loveless2615,

You said so yourself that you're still attached to her. Have you thought about self protection? Have you thought about setting the boundary on yourself with NC or MC? It will help you by dissipating the FOG in the short term and help you detach in the long term.