BPDFamily.com

I attend a monthly support group for people caring for loved ones with BPD - its been great to meet others face to face. Some have stories of loved ones attempting suicide, multiple hospital attendances, bedridden loved ones who can't work or look after themselves, rages that are very violent and dug/alcohol abuse.

My hwBPD seems to have a handle now on his rages and outbursts and the yelling and swearing has stopped (mostly). Now it has been replaced with a more subtle version of dirty looks, snide comments, corrections of how I say things, telling me who I can be friends with on social media and "accidental" pushes. The frequency is the same as the louder more aggressive outbursts (7-10 days). I am proud of the work he has been doing with various therapists ( he hasn't stayed with one for long) and glad the verbal abuse isn't occurring in front of the kids anymore. I feel I should be more relaxed now as it is less in my face but now I find even the smallest sign of dysregulation sets of my anxiety and I feel really angry.

I guess I am feeling a mixture of anger that it is still happening as I am so exhausted and then guilt that I am not being  more appreciative of the work he has done. It has helped having a diagnosis as we can now say we know why he struggles the way he does, but when it suits him everything is my fault and I "drag" him into these situations that escalate his emotions. I feel I still want so much more from him and I don't know if that is fair.Do other people feel this way? Am I being too hard on him?

Sending hugs to all who are struggling.

B.

Hi believer55,

I understand your feeling.  My h is not diagnosed, and does not see any problem with himself.  I don't feel like he's ever going to, and will therefore never attend any support group, nor will let me do it (because that will mean I think he is ill). 


I guess it helps to have realistic expectations of the future.  It's great that he is diagnosed- many of us nons can never hope for that (for instance, I don't see this happening to myself).  But a diagnosis is only the beginning.  It's exhausting to be with a BPD partner sometimes, especially when they are dysregulating.  However, they do have the tendency to put the blame on others when things get tough/ not go their way, and I think this is never going to completely go away- it may in the long run, but they're not just going to "snap out of it". 

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer but it's probably going to be easier for you if you try to give up the notion of "wanting so much more from him", because 1. it creates pressure for him to change, and we know BPDs cannot be forced to change, it has to come out of their own willingness (otherwise they will blame it on you forcing them to do such and such), 2. you never know to what extent he is going to improve in the future.  If you're hoping that he will get rid of his BPD tendencies completely, then anything less and you will feel like he hasn't improved enough, and you will probably be disappointed.  Being constantly disappointed in no way to live!  I think you will have to encourage yourself to look on the bright side, trying to see how much he has improved rather than how much is still "not right".  Of course, when he's dysregulating, you may feel different, and it's completely normal.  I feel really down as well during those times, like none of the tools have worked and why did I bother etc. 

But generally speaking, we as nons have to remind ourselves that we have gone a long a way, that things weren't as bad as before (if you really have seen improvement, no matter how small it is), otherwise I think you'll really struggle in the long run because you will feel unfulfilled in the relationship.

You are right :)  Some days it just feels so unfair that I try my best to be the best supportive wife I can and then the accusations start and I feel "what did I do to deserve this?". I know he has a condition he can't help and I know he is trying hard. Some days I just feel sad and that is me feeling like the victim. I think I am having a "poor me" moment :)

Hi believer55,

I struggled with this exact same thing this weekend. Now that your H has things a little more under control do you think you can start using some new communication tools, such as  SET  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0)  to share with him when you do not like what he is doing?

I've found that since my H's rages have disappeared I can easily use SET to quickly correct a minor behavioral issue, such as him being rude, making rude comments, etc. Or I can simply say, "I don't like it when you (fill in the blank). Please stop."

Hi Tattered

You have hit the nail on the head! I found before that he was not ready for SET as he only wanted to hear what he wanted from me and it didn't matter what the facts were - he just couldn't accept it. Now I feel he is at the stage I can use SET and he will actually process what is going on in front of him... .he might have a slight dysreg but at least I feel now supportive/sincere empathetic truth is the only way to go. For example... .sometimes if I wanted to meet a friend (girlfriend) I have to be sneaky about it as his rejection/abandonment fears mean we do everything together. This time I told him the truth about what I was planning to do and he seemed to accept it OK. While I was with my friend last night though I got icy text messages and my reception at home was very cold. Even this morning he is not talking to me. However this time I have not sprung to the rescue with reassurances about how much I love him etc as I feel he is able to deal with it if I give him time. It is sad for me though that just a couple of hours with a girlfriend turns into 24 hrs or more of him not talking to me.

If I say to him "is everything OK?" I get - "things are fantastic - why shouldn't they be?". This makes me laugh inside. I know he knows he shouldn't feel the way he does and he is trying to deal with it - I need to give him the time and see how it turns out.

No one said it would be easy :)