BPDFamily.com

Not sure if this is the best board for this one, but it seems like none of them ever really fit neatly into one category or another.

So here it is. My wife and I are on a downward spiral. I am pretty much limiting as much contact with her as possible while living in the same house in an attempt to keep the peace. To this she has been having mixed reactions on an almost daily basis flipping between a form of calm and irrational blame and disregulation. There are some medication issues in the mix, but there have been medication or health issues of some kind in the mix since shortly after we met about 15 years ago.

Last night out of nowhere my wife asks if it would work out if she were to become a flight attendant and go away to train. Part of me was trying to restrain my enthusiasm for this as having her out of the house on her own volition would be a welcome break, not to mention that her work would keep her away from home for extended periods of time and I would be able to more easily enforce personal boundaries. The down side of course would be that she would assume that I was cheating on her whenever she walked out the door, but that is an ongoing issue as it is so no real change. The biggest upside would be that it might give her some sense of satisfaction by being able to connect with passengers and then discard them as they leave the plane. Also I expect that she would eventually progress into infidelity without the anchor of a home life, and that also would end up making the dissolution of the marriage easier and most likely improve my chances of primary custody due to her inherent travel schedule.

I am trying very hard not to give an "evil genius" laugh with this as these are serious things, and will directly impact my son with the potential absence of his mother. However if this works and she doesn't kill it on her own it may be one of the most elegant and unexpected ways to move on from a BPD spouse and minimize conflict.

This of course is IF it all works out as when I met her she was a photographer for a newspaper, then I put her through grad school to get an MSW in Clinical Art Therapy (with debt that we are still paying 10 years later) which she worked as a fee for service clinician and refused to get her LICSW as that was "Too Expensive" she burnt out of that and did a short stint as a waitress and has been unemployed now for almost 3 years. SO though I hope that she gets the position, I feel that something is going to fall through and then she will still be "stuck" in the house feeling sorry for herself and her situation.

Yes, that could be a clean exit strategy. I don't know how old your son is, but speaking as a child of a BPD mother, there's a lot of damage in living with such a mom. I loved my mother, but her "parenting" has taken me years to unwind from and tens of thousands of dollars of counseling.

He's turning 10. He has developed a very good sense of his boundaries with her, unfortunately that often gets her in a rage unless I am home to intervene when she is being unreasonable. Meaning more than the interpretation of my son that she is unreasonable (because what kid doesn't think their mother is unreasonable when they put half a container of ice cream in a bowl), but from an adult observing the situation that she is not being reasonable.

Hey Tired Dad, It is tiring to be married to a pwBPD, isn't it?  I should know, as I did it for 16 years.  Have you considered the possibility that your W was using the flight attendant question as a way of testing you?  My BPDxW often came up with outlandish proposals in order to see how I would respond.  It used to drive me crazy, because I viewed it as a disingenuous way of testing the waters rather than discussing honestly what was on her mind.

LuckyJim

She very well could be testing me, and it is definitely taken into consideration... .but she is scattered enough with her aspirations that this fits her pattern. She went on a kick for several months wanting to be a barista at Starbucks, even went on an interview and walked out when she found out that there was more to it than pouring coffee drinks (didn't like the thought of having to mop or deal with customers) and about being a facilitator for a DBT group (feel the irony here) but that required her to get her LICSW and that was just too hard for her. I personally feel that the reluctance to getting a licensure is that it would be a commitment to something and that frightens her.

To deal with most of her outlandish stuff I always just keep level and avoid making decisions in the moment. I always ask for her research and ask her what her plan is. That usually tires her out enough to rage or to  fizzle out but either way I was able to validate her without agreeing to any of her proposals.

Hello again, Tired Dad, It sounds like this is a familiar pattern and you seem to have figured out a way to defuse by keeping level-headed.  How would you describe the downward spiral?  I was once in one myself and can relate.  My Ex used my feelings as weapons against me, so I got to the point where I refused to share my feelings w/her.  I became largely disengaged from her, which was my way of coping with the drama and abuse, but at that point it wasn't much of a marriage.

LuckyJim

Bingo !... .there now, .

@Tired_Dad, I also have a Son at home, she is his step mother, and to top it off, he is special needs. I am constantly running interference (exhausting), & to echo LuckJim, .I too have become disengaged, my u/BPD wife is more of a "chore" as it were, not a wife, and certainly not a friend, or any other facsimile there of (lover)... .those daze are long gone now... .when my wife is away, I do relish that time, it is a "reprieve" of sorts... .and I see how things are, she is removed, and peace moves in... .and settles like the fog over the "moors"... .