BPDFamily.com

 First, I want to thank the moderators and everyone who participates on this forum for opening themselves to share so honestly. It’s in a great place for me to come when no one else ( except my therapist) seems understand my experience with my ex partner with BPD... .

I made a couple of posts over the last couple of months indicating that I was sick and tired of buying into a long-term BPD relationship. I thought that I was done. But I was not. Over the last two months my ex decided that she wanted to be polyamorous and started seeing a new person, once she did start having sex with him and I told her I was not OK with that she told me we couldn’t be friends anymore. Even though I was still open to remaining friends with her, she told me that our entire relationship was based on a parent child dynamic and therefore if I wasn’t interested in continuing to have sex with her in a nonemotional nonattached way, while she continued to  date someone else with an emotional connection i.e. a relationship, as I was more of a sex partner, then we could not be friends anymore. Ouch!

I have been in therapy for sometime, and my therapist has recommended 30 days no contact over the last couple of months and I have been unable to actually carry it through. My ex partner with BPD continues to drag out unresolved business between us, and I have continued to check in with her periodically over my concerns about her safety with the new individual whom she hooked up with.  My friends say she’s a grown woman, leave her alone. But it’s much easier said than done! After many years dating this person and living with her for seven years in a step family arrangement I find her abrupt termination of our “friendship“ unacceptable, and very painful.

 I find no contact to be very difficult, and yet I am committed to doing it. But so far I’ve been unable to get the unfinished business handled, and I’m hoping to set a deadline for this coming Thursday. That is the date that she is expected to get her dead vehicle towed off my property, And after that I will pay her a small sum of money that I still owe her. Please wish me luck!

Hi RFSC,

It's good to hear from you.  Sorry to hear that you're finding it tough to break contact.  I understand this is what your therapist advises for you to be able to detach and begin to heal.  Is this the way you feel you ought to be going?

I'm interested to know what the safety concerns are regards her new partner.  Has she shared these with you or has it come from another source/your own observations?

Yes it certainly must be very shocking and upsetting to hear her say those words to you after you have such a history together.  I feel for you.  Perhaps taking that step away from the situation will be a healthy decision to make in order to work through the feelings that you have without rubbing salt in the wound, so to speak.  Have you read the article on No contact from the site?  You can find it HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way).  It helped me enormously in considering my reason for going no contact and what my true motives were.  When I knew that I was in the right head space to go through with this for the right reasons is when I implemented NC.  Mistakes can be made by not putting this level of thought in and jumping into NC for the wrong reasons, which frankly can make matters worse.

Stay in touch and let us know how you're doing.  I'd be interested to know if you decide the NC is for you and how you get on either way.  It's very hard to take that step and what I found was the decision and initially launching into it was the toughest part as fairly quickly the benefits to myself began to show themselves.  Sometimes we just need a little help reaching that starting point and it sounds like your therapist is providing you with that help and encouragement.  They are also hearing all the downsides of not breaking that link so I'm guessing there are some impacts that outweigh any benefit of remaining in contact.  Let these things be the things to spur you on.  Good luck!

So pleased to hear about the dog by the way! 

Love and light x