BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone

I’ve got a question that’s been bugging me for a while, I’m quite new to this site and still learning so any thoughts or information would be most welcome. Apologies if it’s already covered here, I wouldn’t know as I post mostly on the parenting section.

My question is this:

In long term relationships where one person has BPD and the other is a non, is it possible or even quite likely that the non could exhibit behaviour learnt from the pwBPD?

Hi,

Sorry for the short reply, but this might be of some quick help: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=233903.0

I think the term is getting "fleas".

Take care! :)

As the child of a mother with BPD, it was probably inevitable that I would learn some of her behaviors- after all - a parent is a major role model. However, I don't have BPD and once I was able to recognize them, I could replace them with different learned behaviors. This is what I assumed the term "fleas" meant.

My parents had a long marriage that lasted decades until my father passed away. What I observed between them was't something I would call fleas. It was a gradual progression of her reality taking precedence. Little was known about BPD at the time. My father didn't want her to be unhappy, so he tended to choose appeasement, giving in to her wishes, and accepting her world view over his own to reduce conflict.  

When we were younger, my parents would have arguments and he would stand up to her. Later, when we were old enough to fend for ourselves - he'd walk out and leave for a while to calm down- not a great situation but the better choice as it reduced the immediate conflict between them. Later - and after we grew and left home- it seemed he just went along with her. Over time, it seemed he became more and more like her- sounding like her when he spoke and if she was angry at us, he would be angry as well. But he didn't take on all of her behaviors. He didn't have BPD . I think it was more enmeshment- no boundaries between them - her ideas and wishes were his- rather than "fleas".

IMHO, I think now with knowledge of BPD, an idea is for the non to hold on to their reality and become the emotionally stable one in the relationship rather than follow the emotional lead of the person with BPD. This is a challenge and is also a scary one as it can upset the person with BPD and possibly the relationship. It is understandable that the non would choose appeasement when conflict escalates.

It's a delicate line to walk- and I think the tools are here to help do that. The emphasis is on the non improving his/her relationship skills as it isn't possible to change someone else.

I also think that co-dependency is a trait seen in both BPD and nons. It may not be expressed the same way but they may share some behaviors.

Thanks for the reply pearlsw, maybe I didn’t make myself clear in my post. I was referring to couples in romantic long term relationships, my mistake as I generalised it by writing person.

It’s just that when two people are together for a long time in a relationship they can kind of merge into one if you know what I mean by taking on some of each other’s behaviours. Just wondering if this is also true of couples where one has BPD or traits and the other has not.

People do tend to mirror each other -- it's a way of building rapport. Of course, when you are mirroring unhealthy behaviors, it creates a negative feedback loop.

So, yes.