BPDFamily.com

I think my college daughter has BPD.
She bullies people that she considers inferior or weak.
She only cares about herself and nothing is ever her fault.
She lies to her friends and her BF and his parents about us so that they will feel sorry for her. They have no idea that lies come easy to her and I think she even believes them. Some of her friends have wised up and they leave, and when that happens they are then the bad guys and it is never her fault. When her friends have met us, I always have the feeling that they are in shock because we haven't sprouted horns and turned into monsters. Now she just doesn't bring anyone around anymore.
We pay for everything for her and have given her everything, maybe that contributed. She has become an entitled, self-centered, lying adult.
I am really struggling with this because I have a full-blown narcissist for a sister and several years ago had to face the reality of going no contact and it is just recently that we are able to have very minimal contact. I have always been the one in the family that was made to smooth things over with my own sister and I also fell into this behavior with my daughter. I always made excuses for her and wanted to believe that others who suggested she had issues were wrong. Who wants to face that reality? Denial is such a safe place to be. But now I've found out about the lies she tells, about me in particular, and I went from being terribly hurt (I still am) to having a mix of anger and wanting to close off completely. It was always bad enough that I never get a simple thank you for anything I ever do, but I talked myself into living with that. But the lies, I just can't get over that. Then what really hurt was the lack of concern for her father, has always given her a pass on all her bad behavior. I think that was the straw that broke it for me. I could take her abuse and deal with it, but when I saw her doing that to him, the cloud of denial lifted and I am having to face that this is not going to get better and no matter how much I try, I won't have her respect or even love at this point. I am very sad and my only help has been reading these forums and finding out I am not the only one going through this hurt. I currently do minimal contact. The distressing thing is I have come to dread seeing her or speaking to her. It feels like I will never get over being lied about. I just can't resolve in my mind how someone could do that. I try to tell myself it is the disease, but I can't get past the betrayal and it is damaging my ability to want this person in my life. There is more, but I really can't get into it because this has been hard enough. I wish I could see hope, but I am feeling very hopeless and depressed.

Hi mosi,

A lot of the behaviors you describe sound familiar to what others with BPD children experience, and your own feelings in response are familiar, too.

Having compassion for your feelings in the context of family ties is complicated. These are supposed to be our most cherished loved ones, and yet they can treat us worse than full-blown strangers might. Betrayal is particularly hard.

I'm learning to use the word "yet" as a way to get myself through dark times. "I do not have compassion for X yet" is easier for me than "I do not have compassion for X." For some reason that relieves some of the pressure about fixing things right away, which isn't always possible when feelings are so complicated and healing takes time.

How often do you see your daughter? Do you have other children? Does your husband suspect your daughter might have BPD?

Hi and thank you for the wise and comforting words. I have a son and another daughter, neither of which exhibit any signs of this problem and are as baffled as we are by the behavior. They too have been the target of the rage and unfair treatment. Her father is coming to realize that there is a problem and he is on board with doing the gray rock and has pulled back significantly from being the "rescuer." I suspect some of that was because of hurt feelings when everyone else pulled back and he was left as the last remaining easy target. We are carefully practicing being boring, and blank so that we can hopefully compel her to place her frustrations and anger on the real sources and not use us as easy scapegoats. In the process, I am actually finding it to be oddly freeing to have forced myself to come to grips with the realization that she has to be responsible for herself and I can't do that for her. It is getting easier, but was a struggle since we have all been conditioned to take the blame, mend the problem even at our own expense, and not let her deal with consequences. It has been something we've all done and without much thought until it just became intolerable. We're working as a united front now and I am going to take your advice and try to think that by backing away we may make progress yet. I'm cautiously optimistic and in the meantime feeling less guilt and compulsion to fix. It is day by day.

That quality of not taking responsibility is so tough. And yet, there is often a desperate need to feel acknowledged.

I used the "validating questions" strategy in the Lundstrom book "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better."

With SO's SD20, I find these help prevent me from trying to solve her problems, while at the same time being engaged. She is a quiet borderline, and I am not her biological mother, so this skill was relatively easy to learn and apply with her. The interesting thing is that because of this, she believes I am her biggest champion. I think it's because the questions make her feel that I have confidence in her to solve her own problems, despite the fact that she seems so intent on portraying herself as a victim.

I have also learned to say, "I hope you feel good about xyz." Or "How does that make you feel?" Instead of saying "I'm so proud of you." She is very attention-seeking about everything, and I try to frame things in terms of how she feels about herself, not how I feel about her accomplishments.

She claims she is an empath, but while she is often exceptionally astute about other people's emotions, she is usually inaccurate about their cause. I came home seriously jet lagged and was really tired one night, and felt irritable. She could sense those emotions and assumed I felt that way because of her.

I know SD20 will never be interested in who I am, and I am ok with that. She seems motivated to learn new skills, so it will be interesting to see if she gets better. I keep reading research about how BPD sufferers can have their symptoms go into remission ask they begin to learn and apply new skills, and am hoping she is able to do that for her own sake, especially when it comes to relationships with family and friends.