BPDFamily.com

Hey everyone, I’m really quite conflicted/confused right now. I’ve been seeing this guy for 2.5 months who has BPD and the other day, we got into a disagreement and he said “I’m done. It’s over” out of the blue and said he no longer saw a romantic future with me - alleging I triggered him by saying something similar to what his ex said. The next day, he talked to me and said we should just move forward and forget anything happened and just go back to normal, back to the way things were before this happened. Now we’re back to planning a January getaway together. So, my question is: did he really mean that things were over or was he just speaking impulsively and out of anger as a result of the BPD?

Any insights would be greatly appreciated! Thank you all! This is new territory for me and I am truly worried about losing him over bad word choice.

hi Moviegirl131517 and *welcome*

what was said? that will give us a better picture. is this the first major conflict between the two of you?

Yes, this was the first major conflict. He has had these “freak outs” before in response to stress but never this drastic.
In regards to what was said, he made a comment about making fun of me because I make it too easy and I simply said I didn’t appreciate that and it was an unnecessary comment. At which point, he hung up and then texted me saying “I’m done, it’s over”. The next day, he said he responded that way because he was triggered because his ex used to say he mistreated her so he was triggered. Then he said we should just move forward and pretend it never happened - which is beyond confusing. That’s why I turned here, I’ve never been involved with someone with BPD so I’m not sure what to take a face value and what to not pay the attention to.

okay. that helps.

yes, it sounds like he realized his reaction was over the top, cooled off, and took it back the next day.

the way you responded was appropriate and called for. however, people with BPD have a tremendous rejection sensitivity/fear. an innocuous comment like "i dont appreciate your treatment of me" can be highly triggering.

in other words, you will likely face this again. its a good idea now, early on, to read up on the lessons and tools directly to the right of the board ------->

its also a good idea to have an active support group of people walking in your shoes. i strongly encourage you to continue posting on the Improving board, and to learn the skills and tools on that board as well. knowledge is power, and so much when it comes to dealing with someone with BPD traits is not intuitive, but members here can really help.

So it happened again, tonight was another “freak out” and another instance of him saying it’s over. I can’t believe that is the truth because it’s happened before. What do I do to help him and to help make this situation better?

what happened?

Not really sure this time. We were hanging out and eating dinner and he just said “I’m gonna go” then got up and left then texted me “this isn’t going to work, it’s over”. Then today, he emailed me saying it was over for good and goodbye for good and that he doesn’t want me contacting him anymore. I responded expressing my feelings and opinions and now he seems fine again. Is this push-pull dynamic a typical response of someone with the disorder?

yes. one of the famous books on BPD is called "i hate you, dont leave me."

the thing is, you are at an early, make or break sort of period of your relationship where you can do a great deal to set the course. that is where the tools and lessons directly to the right of the board come in.


can you give some examples of what you said?

Thank you. I’m going to look into that publication.

I’m regards to what I said in response to him, I just said that I understand where he is coming from and what he is going through and how stressed he is so I will respect his request that I not contact him and that this is goodbye. I also mentioned that although he believes this is a final goodbye I do not and think that maybe some time and space will do us both well - so we can both focus on our careers and he can focus on finishing graduate school. To which he responded and now seems like a different person, he wants us to continue seeing each other and spending time together and talking.

I just am not sure how to proceed. I don’t want to have my guard up so high that I jeopardize something but I also can’t fully let it down because then when he makes these statements about ending things I get emotionally overwhelmed.

this response was not bad. it is a little bit mixed, and going forward id focus on two things that could run you into trouble later on.

1. you dont want to send the message that its cool if he constantly threatens a breakup and then takes it back. youre clearly not okay with it. im not suggesting you drop the hammer and give him an ultimatum, that would not go well. i am suggesting you know what your limits are, and use the lessons on Surviving confrontation and disrespect (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704923#msg12704923), and reinforcement of good behavior (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704924#msg12704924). this on/off stuff and the constant threats of a breakup are not the stuff of a stable relationship, and they will eventually exhaust you. he will generally use what "works", even if it is dysfunctional.

2. your response in this particular case probably soothed him in the sense that it telegraphed you have no intentions of "abandoning" him, which is a message you want to send. however, people with BPD traits are highly sensitive to perceived invalidation. he might perceive "i do not think this is goodbye" as you not taking him seriously, and he might up the ante next time.


youre right. either situation is a lose/lose.

i think these will help, too:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

its a lot of reading, i know, but knowledge is really power here, and we can help with any questions/concerns you have about the lessons and tools.

Thank you for your insight and helpful words. I am reading the articles and getting around to reading the book. This push-pull dynamic is just a lot to handle. Like, just last night, we were supposed to go on a date night. At noon he called and cancelled, at 9 pm forgot he cancelled then got upset that I made other plans, and now does not want to reschedule. It’s just confusing and I’m honestly not sure what to do anymore.

so much of this is not intuitive.

the general advice would be that you didnt do anything wrong by making other plans, and you dont want to put your life on hold for wishy-washyness.

it would help us if youd provide a clearer sense of the ongoing communication between the two of you when things go south. it will give us a better idea of how the two of you can get on the same page. you say he got upset. what was said between the two of you?

Most of the time when these flips happen, we aren’t even talking. They just come out of the blue and he texts me saying we’re done, don’t talk to me again, things of the like. In terms of him getting upset. Nothing was said, he was at work followed by class and I fell asleep early because I knew he had cancelled our date. When I woke up in the middle of the night I had 10 missed texts asking where I was, what happened to date night, who else was I with instead of him, and the like. That’s why I’m conflicted on what to think

its pretty typical "BPDish" behavior.

whats most important is that you dont get caught up in it, metaphorically trying to plug holes in dams.

you can use the tools for navigating conflict that we have here. you can try to get at the emotion that drives him to text you ten times asking who else youre with.

but if you want to get out of this dynamic and stabilize/improve things, youre going to have to send a gentle but firm signal that youre not going to participate.

that means determining what your limits are and how youre going to enforce them. so, what are they, and how will you?

Just wanted to post an update, as I am still highly conflicted.

Last week, he was off from work and school and things were great - it actually felt like a real, "normal" relationship for the first time in over a month but that all changed this morning. I woke to a text from him saying, once again, that he has lost feelings for me as more than just a friend - something he says on a regular basis and then changes his mind a day or two later. I just don't know what to do or how to handle this. He keeps saying things will get better once he is done with grad school (in just about two weeks) but how do I know if thats the truth?

Im just struggling because I do care about him so very much and I don't want to abandon him when I know he needs me and when we have already been through so much. I don't want to give up on him but I want things to get better and for us to just go back to when we were happy - before the stress of school exacerbated his BPD and made it so much more apparent.

I have been reading lots of literature but nothing seems to provide answers.

What's the status of things now Moviegirl131517?

Things have been going better - to an extent. He graduated from grad school last week and the week leading up to the graduation was good so we've had about two good weeks without him having an episode. Things took an interesting spin on Tuesday night though. We went to this holiday bar with a couple of my friends and one of them made the mistake of saying he was my "boyfriend" to his face - something him and I have discussed and agreed that we don't want to officially label things because labels give him anxiety and increases his propensity to cheat. At this point, he went off and started dancing with other girls and getting more and more intoxicated to the point where I had to physically remove him from the bar and get him into the car. When in the car he began punching the window and throwing things then he would be fine then he would downward spiral again - I was legitimately terrified. Then he was saying he loved me and has for years but is too afraid to admit it because he's a coward. I didn't acknowledge anything he said until he was sober enough to discuss it the next morning where he vehemently denied saying anything. Im really not sure what any of this means because it is so out of character for him and was such brash and irrational behaviors.

Things were going so well and then this happens and it feels like its back to being on eggshells and not knowing whether or not I truly have a commitment from him or if he's just going to flip and "end things" again. Our New Years Eve party is coming up fast and I now have a lot of anxiety about going because of how he acted on Tuesday night. Im really not sure what to expect. And with how terrified I felt when he was so intoxicated Im even more so afraid of what will happen given the open bar at the party.

That does sound scary. Was that the first time that you've seen him drink that much?

I'm a bit confused, a commitment is fine, but the label is not?

It was the first one I’d seen him drink that much. Normally after 1-2 drinks he’s fine, overly honest and sweet, but this was 5-6 long islands and a few shots in a he was a totally different person.

Apparently, in his eyes, yes commitment is fine but a label makes him want to cheat. I don’t understand but I’m going along with it.

Sometimes, all that we can do is go along with it.

Maybe have agreement with him before you leave for the party to have a drink limit?

Hi Moviegirl, I've been reading along here, glad you are getting lots of good advice. My uBPDh has had issues with alcohol. The party scene you described is really familiar.
Anyway. The quote above got me thinking. I know you said you are going along with this. But how does it make you feel?
All the best,
Lakebreeze

Yes, he claims his limit on NYE is going to be 5 beers, I still feel like that’s too much considering he’s usually drunk after not even one full beer but I’m going to just play it by ear and see what happens.

Lakebreeze, yes I am just going along and seeing what happens. It doesn’t make me feel the best because he tells me I’m “the perfect person to be in a relationship with and to start a future with” but then doesn’t want to actually call me his girlfriend when we’re around people. That doesn’t make me feel the best but for now my only choice is to go along and see what happens. I’m not Andrea if to draw the line and cut him off in order for him to realize what he’s lost but I feel like right now all I can do is take it one day at a time.

The commitment is coming little by little. He’s already buying my birthday gifts - which isn’t until February - and he’s making plans for us to move in together in a year but I’m not sure.

I made the decision on Tuesday, while he was in his state, to go through his phone and found out he’s been talking to one of his friends calling ME the crazy one. That’s what really hurt. I have wanted to confront him on it but I’m not sure if I should or not.

Hi Moviegirl131517,

I have been dealing with this kind of dynamic (break ups/threats) for about 7 years now. It is indeed highly confusing. We have talked about it and he agrees it is "wrong", "unacceptable", "unstable", you name it and he "promises" at times to "never to do it again", and then he stops for awhile and then he does it again when he dysregulates. I am guessing he does it because 1) his high level of pain, 2) his knowledge of the level of pain this causes me.

The first times it happened it seemed much more sweet and innocent - a guy who wasn't quite ready for a relationship and then would calm down and things would pick up again and go on. I never expected this to be going on so many years later. He also, he claims, never had this type of dynamic with his ex wife. He had more to lose with her, his kids, so it isn't beyond his control.

Hopefully your situation will be better, but in my experience it has gotten worse over time despite his self-awareness and desire to change. I can't over emphasize the damage of this kind of behavior (and his jealousy) on our relationship - it pushed me to my limits in life and beyond. Even after all these years it feels like a relationship that has never quite gotten off the ground.

One day we're planning for the future, the next minute the future is cancelled. It is a painful and devastating thing to experience - confusing as can be. Each version of his extreme black and white world seems totally believable.

All I can say is tread carefully here. Find your limits with it. Try the strategies suggested in the readings and be prepared for all possibilities. I do not want to discourage you. I hope that by starting on addressing this issue with the tools here, much earlier than I had any insightful way to deal with this, I was just winging it, could give you a better future.

wishing you the best, pearlsw.