BPDFamily.com

Saving a relationship that has ended can be difficult, but it isn't impossible. Each situation is unique, but there are many parallels. Perhaps by discussing the largest obstacles that we see in trying to save our relationships we can help one another find ways to overcome them.

What is your biggest obstacle that you can see to saving your relationship?

Speaking in retrospect, finding out that our core values were ultimately very different.  

Example: she seemed ok with conducting a r/s outside of the home while still living with me and the kids.  It wasn't polyamary. I ended up despising her for leaving me with then D1 and S3 while she went out to party.  I was desperate to save our family unit; whereas, she was desperate to cope with her out of control emotions.  Two very different goals there.  

I understood where she was coming from.  I just stopped caring.  She did as well from her POV.  

I think understanding where the other is coming from is only a first step.  You also have to step away from yourself enough to care.  I don't mean,  "but can't he or she see how much I care because I say and do xyz?" That's tacitly invalidating.  

The relationship between my uBPD son and myself has completely broken down, he has split me black, has moved to another country and wants no contact.

My ultimate goal is to try and rebuild this relationship but a major obstacle is the fact that my son doesn’t trust me anymore. He won’t let me back into his life while he feels this way and I understand that but his truth is a different truth to my truth and at this point in time I have no idea how to overcome this. He says he doesn’t love me anymore, I know deep down that he does because one time he let his guard down and told me he loves me.

Another obstacle is my fear.
Fear of rejection. We tried relationship counselling, no matter what I said or did, nothing worked and the rejection became the norm. So, even though I desperately want to contact my son, that fear holds me back.

Different core values are definitely an obstacle. I think that one is nearly impossible to overcome. It doesn't necessarily have to be a deal breaker provided that boundaries that are agreeable to both parties are put in place. The lack of agreement was ultimately what killed my relationship as well. But, like you Turkish, I didn't realize it at the time and only understand it in retrospect.

To me, fear and lack of trust go hand-in-hand. pwBPD have an inherent lack of trust. My x had a lot of fear about being rejected; some of it was justifiable. I, unknowingly, violated her trust. When that happens with anyone, it takes a lot of time and consistency in action to repair.

On the flip side,  I also experienced a fear of rejection with my x. This was my biggest obstacle when I started to try to save the relationship. I was was terrified that if I didn't continue begging, pleading, and making grandiose gestures of affection that she would forget about me and move on in her life. At the same time though, I was paralyzed by the fear that if I did anything, she would remind me yet again that it was over between us and I'd be rejected.

It took a lot of introspection to come to terms with the possibility of rejection. I had to decide whether or not the chance to save the relationship was worth the risk. Basically, I saw it as a choice that I had to make one way or the other. Which was stronger, the desire to fight for the relationship of the fear?