BPDFamily.com

Background: divorcing uBPDxw, have S6 and S12 (his birthday yesterday  :)), collaborative divorce, petition for divorce filed, trying to finalize parent plan.

Collaborative team met 2 weeks ago (my L, xw's L, counselor/coach, child specialist). Spoke with my L yesterday for debrief. Team discussed xw's parenting issues, including open CPS case filed by mandated reporter. The counselor/coach advised team that xw suffers from PTSD, has poor attachment to S12 and believes she is victim to his darkness and actions. My L brought up possibility of me having primary custody of S12 via the 9 day/5 day custody (9 days with S12, 5 days with S6, with both boys together all but 4 days every 2 weeks). Team discussed open CPS case - xw heard voice tell her to crash car while driving S12 to dance class and has stated voice was S12's voice invading her. Whoever reported to CPS felt auditory hallucination with potential to endanger child. Team concluded I should have primary custody of children and xw requires treatment.

Problem: Aside from counselor/coach and (oddly enough) my L, xw distrusts her L and child specialist as well as S12's counselor who was the likely mandated reporter in the CPS case. So, no clear path to approaching xw to get her to agree to shifting primary custody to me. Xw's L and counselor/coach are requesting meeting with xw. No idea if she will agree to talk with them.

Needless to say, I am feeling really anxious right now. Does anyone have experiences with anything like this. Is xw exhibiting schizophrenia? Possible these are comorbid?

The incident you described sounds like it's in the domain of schizophrenia, but I think you would need a pattern of behavior over time to have that be diagnosable.

Circling back to the divorce -- it sounds like you've hit a wall here. You have an expert team that is basically in agreement on a custody arrangement that strongly favors you. Your wife is not likely to agree. At this point, you can "collaborate" until the cows come home, and no agreement will be reached.

What are your other options? Can the findings of this team be admitted into court? If allowed, that is probably your next best step. If you've entered into a mediation process that has a firewall that doesn't allow it to influence court decisions, then you have to start over. What does your lawyer say the options are?

Just met with my T. She said that auditory hallucination is in the symptoms of PTSD and it could be co-morbid. I guess PTSD is Axis I and BPD is Axis II disorder, whatever that really means.

I am going to ask my L that question. If no agreement, then ... .? I will propose bringing in binding arbitrator, but again, disordered xw must agree to even that. Otherwise, it's court and no, the team findings cannot be brought forward.

Is this in Singapore or the US?

U.S., west coast

I completely understand why you feel anxious about all of this.

If nothing else mental illness is a big departure from the usual norms of predictable behavior. A lot of us get used to the peculiar ways that mental illness presents in our spouse (even when we abhor that behavior), so a deviation from what feels like the usual levels of irregular behavior can feel even more overwhelming.

That's a lot of uncertainty to feel when the safety of our kids is involved, whether it's emotional, psychological, or physical safety.

You two are going through a divorce right now, so in some ways she is behaving exactly as you might expect someone who does not handle stress even under normal stressful conditions.

It's not unusual for people to decompensate during stressful times. Do you think she's getting worse?

Is there a way you can get a temporary order -- where I live it would be an ex parte order -- based on this incident alone? When my ex had his psychotic episode, we filed an ex parte order that stripped all visitation. The order was heard 6 weeks later and visitation was limited to 8 hours a week, 4 hours on Saturday and 4 hours on Sunday.

I don't know enough how the collaborative process works, but hopefully there is a way to have the issue heard that doesn't require someone (your wife) who displays such abnormal behavior to cooperate with the outcome.

That's what I was afraid of, and that is the biggest issue with these collaborative processes. If you can't come to agreement, you just waste time and money.

You have a Sing flag in your sig so I thought that might be where you live.