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In the last several weeks my wife has had 2 tradespeople and someone from a university say this to her

":)ont talk to me like that!"

One example.

we needed to replace a glass door panel that she kicked in last year in a rage.

I called a supplier and was asked what it is for - a door I said - ok you will need toughened glass, that's the legal requirement. OK see you later.

so we went to the showroom to buy.

"we dont need toughened glass" she says, "he just wantrs us to buy the most expensive"

so we went in and the glass cutter served us - he soon understood we had just phoned and declined to sell us a standard pane - we had to buy toughened.

"It's none of your business what it's for"

snapped my wife.

"It's the law" he said

"Well it's not for a door anyway"

"but you said on the phone it is"

"It's none of your business - do your job!"

"dont talk to me like that or you'll have to leave"

I stood totally silent - not knowing what to say. I could not back her up in a lie and i did not feel like supporting her.

then she started filming him on her phone and said she was going to report him to trading standards department.

We left the shop and she eventually blamed me for not supporting her. I said I didnt know what to say but she called me names.

I really dont know how to deal with this - this behaviour also must be something beyond BPD.

How can I convince her that her way of doing things is counter productive and indeed humiliating - the guy called her a liar.

Wow stressful for you. I feel that you shouldn't interfere. Maybe this is a gift of situational learning for her. Let her fail/fall and deal with it on her own. Actions consequences and so forth. If she is distressed try SET and maybe if she has a therapist suggest she discuss it there.

OK - but she thinks this way gets things done - and if I try to imply it does not - she becomes aggressive.

trying to imply it does not is a rabbit hole.

getting to what drives this starts with listening and asking questions. its for your benefit and for hers.

when she blamed you for not supporting her what did she say? thats your opening. dont JADE, and dont validate the invalid, ask validating questions (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0).

Yes implying is hopeless.

Learn about JADE and SET. Practice practice practice. Ignore the bad reward the good. She will have to figure out that her behaviour is NOT getting things done. It is in fact blocking getting things done.

Do you have a therapist? Does she?  A therapist for yourself would be most helpful.

I remember a conversation with my pwBPD along the lines of what you experience. He was bullied by his "best" friend into changing his plans so his friend's needs would be met. I started with letting him rant/pout/sulk a bit. I then said... ."it sounds to me like you really wanted to follow your original plan". He was dumbfounded. I was able to recognize the core of his hurt feelings. He couldn't. He also couldn't bring himself to say no to his friend. But somehow recognizing his frustration relieved it and he was able to have a decent time. I wasn't the target of his bad feelings anymore. His fired of course wasn't either but thats a separate issue. I just wasn't interested being the target anymore. He could now identify that I wasn't the problem and either his friend or he was. Its his choice then to address the problem or not.

SO for example she is raging.

You "wow you must be really frustrated."

Her (*&(&%&^%#

You " I would be frustrated too"

Her raging continues

You "it seems like you were really offended. hurt. surprised or whatever about that person speaking to you like that"

Her )*&^%&%$#%^ raging

You " I would have been taken aback too"

and so on and so forth.

If she reaches a point where you think she can actually hear it you might do the the T of set and add

"It seem like people are not receptive to you speaking them in that manner"

She may not be able to hear stand you may remain in S and E of set but it will depends how it goes.