BPDFamily.com

I think I discovered officially last night that my significant other truly does have BPD. The things he says when he is angry are so mean. He basically fits the "I hate you, don't leave me" phrase to a T.

Nothing I am saying is getting through. Its all perceived as threatening. He refused to go to his sister's birthday dinner last night and then called everyone non-stop who was sitting at the table. Threatened to kill himself multiple times and I told him if he says it again I will contact emergency services - which he says no one can do or he will "never talk to them again." I take him very seriously when he makes empty threats all of the time. Etc Etc Etc

I feel completely terrible today. He said I'm ruining his life. I'm sick of hearing it as this is the 3rd intense two day long eruption I've experienced... .but it's hard to walk away and I'm not ready for that yet... .which I realize is something I need to work on, too.

I am having a really hard time setting limits because he has become super mean. Suggestions? Other than leaving... .

Hi dancingwithheart,

I am sorry you have been experiencing such difficulties - I know painful this can be! There is a lot to read on this site. It sounds like you might be in a place to read things like "Finding inner strength and hope" and "When everything else fails" which are on the right side of this board under Lessons.

I also like to read "Success Stories" (at the top of this board) from time to time to get my hopes back up when they are low.

A lot of the work with these issues is about changing ourselves and our reactions. I know last week when I missed a chance to use these tools, was too tired and worn out, and just wanted to express my disappointment, and let the chips fall where they may I paid a big price. Things escalated that I could have prevented from getting so out of hand had I just not JADE-ed. My mistake, lesson learned! But I am also not going to be too hard on myself over it. I am not perfect and I don't have to rise above in every instance. :) I am grateful that some of my hard work over the last months paid off though. I kept the door open for my h and he walked right through it. He knows he can come to me at any time and things can be peaceful. I will not reject him or push him away. So, we have that. Now we must work on resolving other issues. I notice I have some resentment that has backed up and I need to work on that. I must be careful to bring up issues in the right way and at the right time so they are easier to resolve for both of us. It is not easy because his strong emotions make it seem as if there is almost never a right time! But I must try, try again. 

I can just imagine three days of big troubles... .Oh my! I offer you a   and hope you can find some small thing to bring a little joy into your day!

Wishing you peace! :)

HI dancingwithheart,

I'm sorry that things have been so hard for you lately. Setting limits (not on your partner, but on yourself) is important in understanding your own  Boundaries  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0). It can be really scary the first time you walk away from your pwBPD because you don't know how they will react, but after you do it several times gets easier and easier.

Where do you think your limit is on how much verbal abuse you will tolerate before leaving the house, going for a walk, etc? For me, I will leave the house if my H begins to call me names or yell. I simply and calmly state, "I don't like to be called names. I'm going for a walk and will be back shortly" and just walk out the door. There is no discussion about it. I don't threaten him with ultimatums by saying "If you don't stop I'm leaving."

So an example of another way to address his behavior regarding dinner might look something like this:

He starts texting you. Your reponse should first be  Validating  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating):
Him: You guy's dont' care about me. You're having fun without me (I'm just guessing this is what he might be feeling)
You: I can see how you would feel that way. I've feel lonely before too when I'm home by myself while others are out. I would love it if you were here with me. Will you come join us?"
Him: No. You don't love me.
You: I understand that you don't feel like coming. I can't wait to see you when I get home. I'm going to put my phone away so I can spend time with your sister for her birthday. Would you like me to bring you anything to eat when I leave?

Then put your phone away. If necessary, turn it off.

In regards to his threats to harm himself, one of the first things I say is:"Losing you in that way would be devastating to me. I do not want you to harm yourself because I love and care about you. Do you have a plan to hurt yourself?" If my H were to say yes, then we would not have a conversation about whether to call or not.  I would just immediately call an ambulance.

If he says no, then I may say something like "It's important for me to understand what you are feeling. I'll be home in a couple hours and we can talk about what you are going through then."