BPDFamily.com

I've posted here a few times about this recent breakup. I've been talking to a counselor about it online, and he suspects BPD. Though, she didn't have rages or self-harm.

Initial red flags were there. Sex on the first time hanging out, telling me she loved me within a week or two, moving in after two months. "Guy friends" messaging her suggestive things. She was in an open relationship with a guy when we met, and lied to me about how many people she'd slept with during that relationship (I wanted to know to see what her motives were.) Later on, she admitted it was 3-4 different guys in 3-4 months. Supposedly.

A mutual friend tells me, she's very codependent, and her alcoholic parents' dynamic growing up, ruined her life. I could see that, but strangely even after all the people I've talked about this with, it's like I can't believe she's crazy. I guess I got brainwashed from all the times she told me she loved me and could never see herself with anyone else, that she was actually repulsed by other men and, that if we broke up, she'd probably wait at least a year to date anyone else. Well, hmm... .I drove by her place the last two nights, after midnight, and she was never a night person, yet her car was gone. Wonder who she's doing this time. Could be that one guy, who professed his love to her, shortly after a fight we had where she called the cops on me, because I sarcastically nudged her arm with my elbow. Granted, I was pretty angry that night, and threw both our phones (according to her; I thought I remembered her throwing mine too... .) This guy, she basically was using him to move her stuff out because I'd told her to leave. We wound up "working things out" but I never trusted her.

Why is it it hasn't sunk in? I would think, knowing everything that's happened I would move on a lot more quickly. Thankfully, this breakup isn't nearly as painful as the first BPD breakup. What messes with my head, is that the replacement in the last relationship, seems happy with her, and vice versa. She actually lost quite a bit of weight and they have been together for 2-3 years now. It makes me feel like, somehow I just couldn't handle these relationships, like there's something wrong with me.

Weird thing is, the guy she was in the open relationship she's still distant friends with. She even had the three of us hang out when we were together which I felt was a bit strange, but he just acted normal. Yet, she's completely blocked me on everything, and doesn't want to be friends. I would think maybe because I said she disgusted me toward the end, and we yelled at each other, but it could probably also be that she knows I'm not going to supply her with ego-boosts. Strangely enough, she wasn't even really my type, and I'm not sure that I even loved her, or even liked her much at all. A lot of staying with her was based on fear of not finding anyone else, and I felt like I was settling. Mutual friends who don't necessarily want to be "mean" have said the same thing, about settling. It's strange that I felt guilty/fearful of even questioning the relationship, for the longest time. Almost like I trusted her judgment and desires more than my own. Yes, I am codependent, but I'm much more aware of it now, and I hope to make a full recovery within 7 years. I will be 32 years old. Hopefully sooner.

ds, if we take the diagnoses out of this situation, it's worth remembering that some people are simply better suited than others.  When we think about it, all our exes are probably off somewhere happy with another person and that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with any of us.  It's maybe that we were not with the right person to begin with.  Try not to beat yourself up.  Sounds like you have enough to deal with just by having broken up with someone who you're not sure you felt much about.  However I would suggest that driving by her house late at night might give another impression... .

How long has it now been since the split?  It does take time to come to terms with any breakup and with all of the confusing aspects of a disordered r/s it's no surprise that it can take longer, especially that you need to assimilate all of this.  Be patient with yourself.


This is good awareness, and well worth exploring.  I think these types of realisations can be the gold we can mine from the experience.  As destructive as this type of r/s can be, it can bring to light some good insights that we can work with to secure a happier, healthier future if we choose to put in the work.  It's great that you have a T. 


I'm interested about what brings you to this timeframe?  Does this have a connection to your previous BPD r/s?

Love and light x

That's true about the diagnosis. She wasn't diagnosed but my T suggested BPD. Regardless, people are people and not a disorder.

I'm not sure about the driving by, a lot of it was motivated by picturing her with someone else rather than a sincere desire to connect. Though I still can't help but wonder if I was just missing something, in my perception, didn't communicate enough, if she maybe was too mature for me. It turns into a tit-for-tat thing in my mind, where I find fault in myself and then with her. It can be as simple as not feeling romantic feelings for someone anymore. I told her I was unhappy at different times, her view was that the honeymoon phase had worn off. To me it was a feeling of well, I'm not feeling this anymore regardless... .and I think about us breaking up a lot.

Thing is I became, not the kind of person I wanted to be, just focusing on our r/s all the time and viewing things from her point of view or thinking I knew everything to invalidate the outside world to the favor of our 'bubble.' This has led me to focus on my own enmeshment/codependent tendencies. Ones that make me lash out towards others in my mind. I've seen that I have, or have 'caught' some traits of NPD/BPD over the years, and I'm working on being present/changing those patterns. I can't really blame others for that, even if they had their own issues, even similar ones. There's not a lot of point in trying to dissect what happened, when there's a lot out there to learn about in the world, and really soak up.

Btw, it has been 2 weeks since the breakup & her moving out.