BPDFamily.com

After reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, and Splitting, I've decided I need to join this community to seek out advice on how to navigate what is to come.

The BP in my life, who we'll call "N," is my future-ex-wife. I'm currently in divorce and custody proceedings.

I'll try to convey the short version:
-Since before our daughter was born, N said I'd better tell her I love her more than our daughter or else "the marriage is over," she'll "make our daughter disappear" and I'll "never see my daughter again."
-About 5 months ago, N escalated her threats and violence to the point that I had to call 911 two nights in a row seeking de-escalation and protection for me and my daughter.
-I sought and was granted a temporary protective order, and left the apartment with our daughter. She sought a retaliatory protective order 3 days later.
-She and her family started a distortion campaign: Facebook hate groups, press interviews, harassed and threatened my current and former employers, harassed and threatened my family and friends, made a Change.org petition calling for me to be fired from my job, and even created a GoFundMe campaign with a photo of my daughter seeking to raise $20k for her to litigate against me.
-I've kept quiet in the press for 2 reasons: (1) I want to minimize damage to our daughter, whose photo is being linked to all these horrible things being written, and (2) I don't think I'll win in the court of public opinion anyway, so I'm focusing on the judiciary.
-She went through a series of 3 different lawyers, finally settling on an attorney whose M.O. is full-on character assassination. N now claims that I was abusive to her, and has said in public forums that she wants to get famous by publicizing her version of the case, write a book, and make a movie.
-Custody exchanges are always a nightmare. An example: last week, she kicked my mother at a custody exchange, posted a video of it on Facebook, and suggested that my mother had "faked" crying out in pain. People commenting on the post suggested she hire a hitman to kill us. I told my mom it was up to her whether she wanted to press charges; my attorney cautioned against pressing assault charges unless there was blood (there was just bruising) saying it'd be viewed as "petty" in family court.
-Divorce and custody proceedings are ongoing. I have requested joint custody and no-fault divorce, both of which are par for the course in our jurisdiction. Her counter-complaint requests sole custody and for-fault divorce, alleging that I was abusive to her. Her only "evidence" in support of her claims are her own statements given in press interviews (which, by the way, are prohibited by court order).
-Last week, due solely to her harassment, I finally lost my job. My role at my previous employer, as a human rights attorney, required me to be out in public and was largely reliant on my positive public reputation. I've been paid a severance in exchange for not disclosing the fact I'm being let go due to her actions, except in ongoing family court proceedings.

All of this brings me to the question I'm grappling with now:

I'm a single dad and sole earner with significant legal fees, and I need a new job. If I'm hired by a new employer, what do you think is the appropriate moment - and message - to bring to H.R. to let them know that N may seek to attack me/them?

You're the attorney. Why aren't you seeking an injunction against her and her nutty family? All of this you are referring to is defamation per se. Also, it sounds as if she is extremely unstable. I understand that joint custody may be generally "on par" in your area, but what you are explaining sounds far outside the ordinary. Why roll over? Give an inch... .Also, it's not long before people this unhinged also start blasting out nonsense against judges, other attorneys, etc.

She may be co-morbid with PDs other than BPD.  One to ponder is Histrionic Personality Disorder.  They love the Drama and being the center of attention.  They're bold enough to go to the press and social sites to stir up trouble for everyone.

If you end up getting a custody evaluation be very sure you get an evaluator who is experienced, recognized as making solid recommendations and not easily fooled or intimidated.  You need one who will call it like it is and not be a middle-of-the-road negotiator.  If you walk in seeking joint and she walks in demanding 99%, you don't want a wimpy recommendation for something in between.

First, how awful what you have been through. DV and then that level of character assassination, followed by losing your job. Wow.

I agree with ForeverDad that she sounds particularly histrionic. Some people think that's a subtype of BPD (externalizer), others think it's a PD of its own. Either way, the underlying psychopathology is not that dissimilar to BPD, even if the expression of it might be.


I don't know if there is a right or wrong way to approach this -- it might come down to what kind of people hire you.

My ex engaged in less severe tactics than what your ex is doing, although he did enjoy sending emails to my bosses, all the way up to our funders. We had a large, prestigious funder who was particularly sensitive to their reputation and branding, and my ex (a former trial attorney) sent them letters and emails. He sent letters to the police department in my parents' hometown, to the U.S. and Canadian customs (I'm dual citizenship), to my new partner, to my partner's employer.

Fun times.

If I were in your shoes, I think I would talk to the HR department during the hiring process, like right after you've been offered the job. Write a letter, take it to them, and then explain what is happening, and ask them for guidance. You are divorcing a woman suffering from significant mental illness, who is a high-conflict personality (you might want to look up the work of Bill Eddy, and read his stuff on highconflictinstitute.com for some background), and you have concern that she will bring aggressive tactics to your new place of employment. And ask them for advice on next steps.

As an aside, I guess she isn't thinking through what it means to her if you are unemployed... .

Hang in there. I divorced a very ill man who was some combination of BPD and NPD (and maybe bipolar), who was also a former trial attorney, and an alcoholic, and ended up getting full custody. It took 4 years and cost me a boatload, but it was the best money I ever spent. S16 is still recovering from it all, but I have no doubt he is in a much better place.

You just gird your loins and let people walk with you, and keep your sights focused on being a good dad to your daughter.

You'll get there.

LnL

If this was me, I would discuss it with Human Resources or your Boss shortly after you are hired.  I'm not sure you need to go into all of the gory details but definitely let them know that you are in a High Conflict divorce and your stbx has mental health issues.

A little different because I was already established with my employer but, when I started dating my SO I told my whole office about his uBPDxw, just in case she decided to engage in any shenanigans with me.  Everyone was very understanding.

Panda39

welcome to the club  My husbands BPDxw also started a go fund me against him with the children as a picture. We thought about suing for defamation but our L said that since we do not live in the same community as BPDxw there is no proof that it is hurting my husbands reputation and business.

But in your case I would think there is plenty of proof for defamation. I would definitely go for that.