BPDFamily.com

I am very sure my sd of three years has a personality disorder.  It seems that it is BPD.  I recently found the courage to show my dh traits/symptoms of BPD.  He had a total meltdown.  He said not only am I not a doctor, I should not be diagnosing and labeling his child, but she is simply being a typical teenager and this too shall pass.  It breaks my heart to see her struggle.  It is severe.  I only want to help her. I love her very much and I'm so worried. Her behavior is a constant issue.  It affects our whole family.  Which I think makes her feel even worse. The only thing I am not seeing is self harm.  Even though over the summer she would not come swim at the pool (this after the last two summers of not being able to keep her out of it). I had a suspicion she was hiding something on her body.  I caught her changing, while I was bringing in clean clothes and I saw tiny bruises all over the tops of her thighs. It looked like she had been pinching herself.  I asked her what it was and she told me she didn't now. She is 13 and not around drugs and alcohol, or sex, even though she ended up having her phone permanently taken away after texting a boy several hundred entries over a weekend, speaking of very advanced sexual desires and abilities. The boys father saw the texts come through and had his phone in the principals office first thing that Monday morning. She is also struggling at school, Socially and academically. She also gets in trouble and is sent to the office on a monthly basis. I suspect the bm has BPD. She checks off on the symtom list as well.  I don't know what to do. It seems they just stick their heads in the sand and constantly reward her for bad behavior.  Besides the phone I have seen no real consequences for her actions.  Bm did a pretty good job of alienating sd from her father and I see him get shut out and disrespected constantly, so I think he's afraid of disciplining her for fear of pushing her farther away.  I know she needs help I just don't know how to get it for her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Iceblueroses,

Welcome to the BPD Family  I'm glad you decided to jump in and post.  |iiii

Typically BPD is not diagnosed until 18 because children are still developing but this certainly doesn't mean you aren't seeing the behaviors you are seeing.  I'm on this site because of my significant other's (SO's) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife, I discovered BPD by Googling "Chronic Lying" and the BPD shoe fit.

So it sounds like 2 problems, one is getting dad to see there is an issue and two helping your step-daughter.  Then you throw in being a step-parent and that complicates things even more... .what is your role?.

Are any of you seeing a Therapist?  That could be really helpful in terms of talking things out, working through emotions, and learning skills that could help your SD.  Does your SD get support at school?  Is there a school counselor that you might connect her with that could work with and assist her at school?

Can you share some other examples of your SD behaviors? What did you and dad say to her following the sexting incident?  Why do you think she was sexting in the first place? 

Who else is in the Family?  Other children, does BM have a spouse? Just trying to get a feel for who the players are.

Since dad is unable to accept the idea of BPD, you might want to keep your conversations about SD "behaviors" rather than use a label (BPD) that makes him defensive. 


Boundaries might be an issue with both your Husband and his ex... .she a boundary buster and he possibly having weak boundaries.  It's a combination that I often see with members here.  But you are on the right track boundaries and consequences are important for your step-daughter and any teenager for that matter.  Having her phone taken away was a good example.  You can't use the phone responsibly you can't use the phone.  It's one way we learn.

Validation of her feelings could also be helpful.  This is not about validating her bad behavior but validating the feeling behind the behavior.  So that's why I asked why do you think she was sexting?  Is she lonely, did she have a crush on the boy, was she trying to be "shocking"... .attention seeking?  Did you ask her why she was sexting?  Can you validate the feeling and then talk about it? SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) is a good tool to use... .for example "Honey, we care about you and want you to be safe, and it sounds like you like boy at school, but sexting is inappropriate and could put you in a dangerous situation"


More on Boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

More on Validation... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

More on SET... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

Raising Resilient Children... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

Take Care,
Panda39

Hi Iceblueroses,

I just lived through an almost identical scenario with my SO. He has a D20 who is diagnosed bipolar with psychotic depression, whatever that means. But I have BPD pathology in my family and was married to a man with uBPD, and there is no question in my mind that D20 is BPD, perhaps in addition to bipolar. Her older sister (D23) saw a therapist who said biomom sounds BPD, and she is enmeshed with D20 in disturbing ways. They sleep in the same bed, and when biomom had an affair (D20 was 16), she confided about it to her daughter  and told her to keep it a secret from SO. Leading up to the divorce, the parental alienation was pretty bad, and D20 handled it by having a psychotic break. Fortunately, it was serious enough that biomom become alarmed enough that D20 got psychiatric services (and a diagnosis).

I could go on.

Like Panda39 mentioned, there is still a reluctance to dx BPD in adolescents, although that is changing. I recommend the book BPD in Adolescence by Blaise Aguirre -- he has a section that describes the differences between BPD and typical adolescence. He also makes a strong case for treating teens as soon as possible while they are still minors and more likely to respond to treatment.

I had a similar experience with SO, trying to raise the possibility that D20 might be BPD, and it was a fascinating lesson in denial. SO and I saw a therapist together for a while, and independently with me, she said, SO is a great guy, insightful, very empathetic, but when it comes to D20, he is nuts    I think he had so much conflict with his uBPD ex wife that to see his D20 as BPD was just too much. Plus, he can be allergic to feelings and instead of processing the pain and sadness of having a mentally ill/special needs daughter, he buried his head in the sand.

When I saw he could not take in the reality, I upskilled like a boss. I read Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning and Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr, and started using the skills they describe with D20. SO started to trust that something I was doing was working. And more importantly, I started to use the skills on SO. He is not a rational actor when it comes to D20. He cannot see straight, cannot think straight, and weirdly, I noticed that he has a tendency to treat her a bit like an idiot at times. He also wasn't reading her emotions, basically invalidating her while trying desperately to help her, usually by giving her such basic advice that we started teasing him about mansplaining. I'm pretty sure a 20 year old can figure out she needs a can opener to open a can of beans.

D20 has waif qualities, and her way of hooking her dad is to be helpless, and then get furious when he offers advice. I pointed it out to him, and gave him three or four phrases that might alleviate that dysfunction, and when he started to have better outcomes with her, he began to pay attention to what I was doing.

About self harm, Blaise Aguirre addresses that too, explaining what purpose it serves better than any other BPD material I've read.

Sorry to go on about this. It's close to home for me, and I feel for you. I could see how much pain D20 was in and felt powerless to do anything, and being in the house with them together (she lived with us the last two summers) was a full blown trigger fest.

There is a lot of research that when family members and loved ones have dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills, things can improve for BPD sufferers. Unfortunately, when you're the step parent, you may have a bit of a lonely path ahead while you work on the skills without full support from your H. But BPD tends to affect family systems, so your H is probably suffering from the effects in his own way.

I treated SO and D20 as a unit  :)

An example of how you might respond to H if there is a SD13 incident is to validate his feelings. Or ask a validating question (a fantastic skill), like, "Oh?"  *)

If you start to overreach, he will push you away (read about the Karpman drama triangle). So the most effective thing is to have empathy for his experience, and ask validating questions that put the responsibility back on him to solve his relationship problems with D13.

I'm so sorry you're in this dynamic. It is the hardest triangle I've ever been in.

Welcome to the group  :)

You are not alone!

LnL

Thank you for the solid advice.  God bless you both.  I'm actually looking into going back to school to learn DBT therapy.  I'm definitely hearing you about the validation I'm being positive with her… And I would never say to her that she has any kind of disorder to her.