BPDFamily.com

Okay this might be a bit long.
Also my first post
I(22f) had been in an almost 11 months long term Long distance relationship with my S/O (27m) and I started to suspect somewhat him meeting perhaps a few criteria for BPD.

To start off first ; I've been diagnosed with BPD since a few years but working alot on my recovery too with medications and therapy (only CBT though since where I live in Germany DBT isn't really that big and hard to find locally,but been working on that with selfhelp worksheets I've gotten online).
I must also add besides being very emotional impulsive from overly happy to incredible sad, I've never had raging anger issues or anything near really anger towards others in that case but during my diagnosis that also wasn't what put me on the criteria anyways.

I've had passed issues with expressing my feelings to my partners but rather due out of fear they'd leave or think I'd want to change them; which can sometimes lead me to put up with things that might be most likely toxic for me in the first place(yes I do know it's not quite the best for me while trying to recover).
So I've been dating this guy for almost 11 months ,  we did seem fine , atleast from normal small disagreements here and there and a few ''yeah I think we'll agree to disagree on this topic'' kind of opinions , which is alright.
But after awhile he started having these huge rage fits(not towards me or anything but they were definitely rage fits which sometimes led him to throw his phone,punch walls or slam his head) , I knew he had depression and anxiety but I must say his rage fits scared me but I also suggested multiple times to him to see a therapist /psychiatrist ; which he kindly refused with a ''I don't need a psychiatrist every week , just when I need one''

Then he had this ability to completely vanish for atleast 2 weeks , if I hadn't talk to a mutual friend to check on him , since he ignored me ; even though I told him from the start if he needed space , he should instantly tell me , so I wouldn't have to worry about him and his outbursts being dangerous.  This happened atleast 3 to 4 times and each time he would leave without a word.

Last week he drove up to his hometown for 11 days ; we talked about atleast texting eachother once a day to know he's safe. That went for the first 3 to 4 days okay , I didn't spam him or anything by sending 2 to 3 texts over a spawn of atleast 5 hours , so I kept that pace,since I understood he was meeting old friends and was having a good time. 

Suddenly he doesn't answer me for 4 days (first not checking his messages for 2 days even though coming online every 15-20minutes,then leaving my few messages on read)
After that , I asked if everything was alright,no answer. This went on till almost the end of his trip , I had a minor set back and I told him that he should work on our relationship too(since through my therapy I've been improving in opening up more and speaking up) instead of pushing me away,then i got upset and told him that the way he acted made me wonder if he was seeing someone else; which on the other hand others said him acting that way has been fishy. But I also told him explicitly that I wasn't breaking up and I was just upset.

Suddenly I got answers back from him in which he stated that everything was fine by him except for one part ; which was infact me pointing out that the way he acted made me wonder if he was cheating.
He went on with telling me that ever since he read that , he'd feel dead inside and that he's sorry that he feels now nothing but bitter towards me and that he can't be with someone that doesn't trust him.
I told him that I'e been working hard on myself in getting better and that it was a minor setback which could've actually technically been prevented with a single text from him.
I told him I was scared of losing him,to which he replied with ''well now you don't have to be scared anymore''
''I don't have any feelings for you anymore''
Which lead to me having a very major setback in the last week.

But I'm also finding myself riddled with blame because if I never said that , this would've never happened, or was it because I sort of stopped putting up with it by speaking up? I just feel like some of his actions would probably end up setting him high on the BPD criteria too and on one side even though he blocked me everywhere when I tried to talk about what just happened and tried having a little bit of closure on one hand a mutual friend says to just drop him and the other part of me is somehow still hoping he might come back since it wasn't like our relationship was really doomed or anything due to my therapy besides his constantly vanishing/ignoring me for a few days. I just feel like this was something that could've been talked about instead of such a huge reaction.

So I'm slightly still confused.
If he might end up having uBPD would this perhaps explain his reaction ?
Should I wait it out and not try to contact him or anything?
I do love him afterall and want him to get the help he needs too.

My apologies for this long post.

While I cannot diagnose this man for you, I can say, from what you describe, I think it may be fair to say that he has some instability issues with the relationship with you.  While my ex did not have BPD, I feel he had NPD traits.  He had a very avoidant conflict style.  I rather deal with issues head on.  He rather run away, get some space, and hope for a reunion of relief and excitement.  It was as though he hoped if he stayed away long enough, he would be welcome with open arms and a clean slate to be recieved.  

As you can imagine, the same themed conflicts continued to repeat.  This absense => followed by reunification... . I now see as the “foundation” for an abusive dynamic.

So do I say he is to blame for having NPD traits? Label him?
Well... .I suppose I could.

Yet imo, I can only change me.  I can only set boundaries that uphold my own values.  I can only “do Me.”

So what is my part?
(Sorry, it is sometimes easier for me to speak in a form “about me” as I prefer not to assume I know what is best for you.  Ok... .reverting back... .)

So I am less curious about labeling this man.  More curious about how you feel you are with him?
Is this working for you?
Are you getting your needs met? (Your balanced needs, not your hyper responsive desires... .sounds like you know the difference)
Do you feel respected, appreciated, valued as you feel you and others deserve?

Imo, it is when we self reflect vs label others, that we grow and make better choices.  Imo, to simply leave someone because they have been stamped a label of BPD or something else, does little for our resolve and ability to ensure more fruitful interpersonal dynamics.

I am trying to approach relationships by evaluating and self reflecting more in terms of: Am I true to who I am when with this person? Does this dynamic bring out the “best in me?” Or something else? 

Throughout the relationship , I have been feeling alright and I was quite happy that he seemed to genuinely appreciate me.
I'm not very social in a way that I might be talking 24/7 due to my socialphobia and insecurity of my voice,whenever we were Skyping or videochatting it never felt like he forced me to be different but he always managed to get myself a bit more out of my skin with confidence. Since he was more the loud type, talking or just making noises to make me laugh has always been quite qualming,we knew from the day we met that we were pretty much opposites of eachother , but I've never felt taken granted for or not appreciated.

Our love language was quite different but not all too much.
I sort of figured he's a bit phlegmatic in certain aspects of our relationship , while I'm a bit more free about my love and affection and here and there cute little reminders as in things I found that we both shared genuine interest in.
his way of love was more subtle but still there; as in sending me a sweet Significant Otter plushie which I wouldn't want to trade. He made effort in showing me that he loved me with paragraphs from time to time,I never questioned his love for me once to be completely honest.


I genuinely can't say my needs have not been met.
I felt happy and he respected my views / opinions on things, he also respected my feelings if something had happened that upset me, he never devalued me in anykind of form.
I felt valued as I felt was appropriate in a relationship.

The problem only arose during the vanishing,those were the times when I questioned myself if it was rather just his form of dealing with things or actually giving me the silent treatment due to him not telling me he needs space.
My therapist told me to address the issue with him but it seemed like he dodged the issue repeatedly upon asking why he can't just tell me whenever he needs space.
He knew though when we were talking on skype and something made him angry he says that he'd need to leave for a bit and we'd hang up. I gave him that space and I respected that.

It's the no message telling me he needs space; vanishing without a word, that scares me honestly.
Especially since it's not just a trust issue, it mostly worries me,which due to circumstances of his outbursts seem to be plausible.

I must say this relationship has been motivating me strongly to get better and recover.
Which I hope there could still be something perhaps saved prior to the breakup.

Hi UndyingLove and Welcome 

It sounds to me like you'd like to repair this relationship.  What I'd like to raise with you is what you say here in your post:


Were you able to identify what seemed to be triggering these rage outbursts?  Was it around the time that these rages started that he also began to disappear without making contact or telling you of his intention to take time out?  In this long distance r/s how much time did you spend in one another's company?  I'm concerned that if he acts out violently by throwing things, punching walls and hitting himself and this scares you - was this in your presence or when you were chatting online?  How would you feel if this type of behaviour were to continue?

There are some great tools here to improve relationship communication skills which would be well worth checking out.  You can find these in the Tools menu above, or HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=post;topic=317190.0;num_replies=2#)  I'd suggest taking a good look at these so that should he get back in touch you may be able to ease any tensions and reduce any conflict around the breakup.  Right now, I'd be tempted to honour his request for no contact (if that is what he has stated?)  Let him have the space and take time to focus on you and your therapy for a little while.  I know it's hard and hurts to lose him.  Chasing him might actually drive him further away though, so try to remain balanced around the urge to contact if it arises and remind yourself that it might be counter productive.

Now might be a good time to work on your own personal boundaries and think about the shift in his behaviour.  If he does have BPD and this is devaluation that you've experienced, then this is likely to repeat and how would that make you feel?  Ask yourself how important stability is for you in a r/s, as what you've described as the less desirable parts of your r/s seem to have taken a toll on you in generating setbacks.  Taking care of your own well being is very important so now may also be a good time to consider the importance of establishing some boundaries about these types of behaviours (aggressive outbursts, disappearing and lack of communication) towards you - both now and in the future.     

Love and light x