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Veteran of the Psychic Wars
Blue Öyster Cult
LYRICS
You're seeing now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars,
I've been living on the edge so long, where the winds of Limbo roar.
And I'm young enough to look at,
And far old to see, all the stars are on the inside.
I'm not sure that's there's anything left to me
Don't let these shakes go on!
It's time we had a break from it,
It's time we had some leave.
We've been living in a place,
We've been eating up our brains.
Oh please don't let these shakes go on!
You ask me why I'm willing, why I can't speak to you,
You blame me for my silence, saying it's time I changed and grew.
But the wars still going on dear,
And there's no one that I know.
And I can't stand forever.
I can't say if were ever gonna be free,
Don't let these shakes go on!
It's time we had a break from it,
It's time we had some leave.
We've been living in a place,
We've been eating up our brains,
Oh please don't let these shakes go on!
You're seeing now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars,
My energy is spent at last, and my armor is destroyed,
I have used up all my weapons, and I'm helpless and bereaved.
Wounds are all I'm made of!
Did I hear you say that this is victory?
Don't let these shakes go on!
It's time we had a break from it, Send me to the rear!
Where the title madness swell,
And been sliding into Hell.
Oh please don't let these shakes go on!
Don't let these shakes go on
Don't let these shakes go on!

Red5, these lyrics are really revealing.

You can also see BPD in the lyrics by The Cure, "Friday I'm In Love."

I don't care if Monday's blue
Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too
Thursday I don't care about you
It's Friday I'm in love

Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart
Thursday doesn't even start
It's Friday I'm in love

Sitting here in the shed with my Son listening to the film score from one of my fav movies ever, Forest Gump... .day eleven of “ST”... .a beautiful day here, .for “self soothing”.

@AskingWhy, my fav tune by the Cure is “Pictures of You”, I remember listening to that in Japan on my first long deployment back in 1990, it always made me think of my (first) wife... .we had been married for about six years at that point, we would divorce another fifteen years later.

Heard this on the radio this morning and it took me back to 1995, to my first marriage, and the feelings of impending loss and betrayal, and as I listened once again to the words it’s all about what I feel today as well with my wife of the present day, .what I am feeling, what I am going through once again in my life, thought I would share the haunting lyrics to this old song, v/r Red5

Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio
Still I can´t escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some´d say
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away
But I won´t cry for yesterday
There´s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride´s gone out the window
Cross the rooftops, run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me?
Crazy, some´d say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away
[Chorus]
Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
[Chours]
Every one is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one is my world
Every one is my world

TGIF... .well maybe, .sitting here at work, "working" and listening to tunes on the ipod/clock radio "docking station"... .its raining here, and its cold outside, its day nine (9) of this most current "down cycle" of ST, .but actually, .I sleep better on the leather couch in the office (man cave) these days. I look over at the calendar, and I count the days till Christmas... .it indicates seventeen daze till Christmas day... .I think to myself... .how in the world can I even go shopping for the "perfect and acceptable gift" (attitude) when I am split black... .yet again... .how hard should I try this year to save this Christmas (yet again) from her acting out (BPD) behaviors... .I mean really now !, .will she do it yet again... .what was it this time, oh yeah, I failed to come home from work last week when she thought I should have.

And then I remember lines from other posts here... ."people will show you who they are, believe them when they do"... .& another... ."she does not (she can't) care about what you are feeling (your heart), so guard your own heart, this is your responsibility, so guard it!"

I self sooth more and more these daze, I keep the chores up round the house, I take care of my Son, I go to work, I come home, I make supper some nights, some nights she does, but not a word is exchanged (?)... .I build a fire in the fire place, I watch the "tele" late at night, the History channel, the news, the weather channel... .and I have a few drinks of the "captain & coke" after my Son goes to bed, and I drift off to sleep... .I get back up before the sun rises, and do it all again... .still no interaction, .I think about work to occupy my mind, I go to work again, .I go to the grocery store, .I see all the leaves out in the yard (beautiful)... .I think about things I need to do round the house, I see the Christmas tree there in the living room, .I look at the calendar again, and again I note the days... .self soothing... .I listen to music, and I note the lyrics... .so here are some more... .v/r Red5

Don't turn your back, danger surrounds you
Don't turn your back to the dogs who hound you
Don't turn your back, don't show your profile
You'll never know when it's your turn to go

Don't turn your back on intuition
Don't turn your back on superstition
Don't turn your back to your jealous neighbor
He just might blow and spoil the show

Don't turn your back, one chance to save her
Don't turn your back, keep her out of danger
Don't turn your back, she'll return the favor
She wants you so, don't say no

Things are not always what they seem
She won't always say what she means
You'll never know who your friends really are
You'll use that special option in your car

Don't turn your back, danger surrounds you
Don't turn your back to the dogs who hound you
Don't turn your back, don't show your profile
You'll never know when it's your turn to go

Don't turn your back
Don't turn your back
Don't turn your back

I heard this on the radio this morning... .

How can I be sure?
When your intrusion is my illusion
How can I be sure
When all the time you changed my mind
I asked for more and more
How can I be sure

When you don't give me love (You gave me pale shelter)
You don't give me love (you give me cold hands)
And I can't operate on this failure
When all I want to be is
Completely in command

How can I be sure
For all you say you keep me waiting
How can I be sure
When all you do is see me through
I asked for more and more
How can I be sure

I've been here before
There is no why, no need to try
I thought you had it all
I'm calling you, I'm calling you
I ask for more and more
How can I be sure

You don't give me love
You don't give me love

Listening to the radio on the way home from the grocery store the other night... .

"I'm Slip sliding away, .yes slip sliding away... .
You know the nearer your destination, the more you're slip sliding away... .

I know a man, he came from my home town,
He wore his passion for his woman like a thorny crown... .

He said, Delores I live in fear, .that my love for you is so overpowering, .that I'm afraid that one day I will disappear !"

Red5

Heard this on the radio yesterday evening on the way home... .good stuff!

Sometimes I wonder where it is loves goes
I don't know if even Heaven knows
But I know we had dreams
That didn't quite come true
And now I'm not the one,
Little boy, who's keeping you

I was either standing in your shadow
Or blocking your light
Though I kept on trying
I could not make it right
For this girl
There's not enough love in the world

I know people hurt you so bad
They don't know the damage
They can do, and it makes me so sad
How we knock each other down
Just like children on a playground
Even after that o' sun went down

Oh darling this is still a shady little town
And sometimes it's so hard to smile
For the world, for the camera
And still you have something left
You don't have to prove nothing to nobody
Just take good care of yourself

I'm not easy to live with
I know that it's true
You're no picnic either, baby
And that's one of the things
I loved about you
But a time will come around
When we need to settle down
Got to get off this merry-go-round

It's good to be king, if just for a while
To be there in velvet, yeah, to give 'em a smile
It's good to get high and never come down
It's good to be king of your own little town

Yeah, the world would swing if I were king
Can I help it if I still dream time to time

It's good to be king and have your own way
Get a feeling of peace at the end of the day
And when your bulldog barks and your canary sings
You're out there with winners, it's good to be king

Yeah I'll be king when dogs get wings
Can I help it if I still dream time to time

It's good to be king and have your own world
It helps to make friends, it's good to meet girls
A sweet little queen who can't run away
It's good to be king, whatever it pays

Excuse me if I have some place in my mind
Where I go time to time

Hi Red5,

I love music a lot too... .and I am saddened to think of you being alone with just this right now because your home life is so low at this time... .

Can I suggest though, just a thought, picking up some upbeat music, things to lift you and make your spirits soar? Or at least toss in a few of those? If i listen to too much sad music I know it can start to make my thoughts get a bit dark... .does that happen to you too?

Oh yes, I remember that first song especially. I remember when a movie that was featured in was in the theaters when I was a kid... .

  wishing you happiness, pearl. :)

I will pearlsw... .I will, .and actually here of late I have rediscovered two things... .old movies, and old books !

The key is to "get away"... .late at night, after I get home from work, evening chores completed, and get my son off to bed, and then a few hours (hopefully) all to myself, hidden away in my "office"... .I try to escape for a while, take my mind and thoughts someplace far away, even to a different time... .so far so good,

Sending happiness and good vibes your way as well !

Red5

Hi Red5,

Awww, that's sweet! :) I am pretty isolated myself a lot of the time. I spent the holidays in a room, which might as well have been a closet, listening to holiday music and just singing to myself to lift my spirits.

What kinds of things do you like to read? :) Are you spending a lot of time here reading up on stuff?

 

I read a lot of historical fiction, as in fiction based on historical events, right now I am reading a book called "The Captain"... .which is a novel about a Dutch ocean going tug captain, [The Captain is a 1967 novel by Dutch writer Jan de Hartog] who is involved in the Northern Atlantic convoys in the second world war... .the book is as old as me, some fifty years plus (whew boy)... .I like stories about the sea, sailing vessels & ships, and the crews who sailed them, .  I have been here on this particular site for about thirteen months now, and it has helped my understanding immensely, I do go to other places, as I am wanting to learn more and more, .about what I am experiencing in my marriage.

I see the moderator changed the subject title from "Self Soothing", .hmmm 

Cheers !

Huh. I think self-soothing was pretty good. :) I think they just want folks to have more sense of what they might find after they click. :)

Are you and wife totally disengaged from each other these days?

Good morning pearlsw, hope all is well !

At the moment, which could/can change at the preverbal drop of a hat... .we are in what I refer to as an "up-cycle"... .everything seems fine, she is sweet, nice, and we are talking to one another, all seems normal… but you see, we have just finished "recycling"... .

Hey Red5, 

Thanks for the update! :) I know how it is, it's hard not to get a skip in your step when things are on the upswing, but we also know where things can head pretty quickly.

What do you think about starting a new post to chart this upswing and how you are feeling about? What patterns you are observing in your and her behavior perhaps? A chance to try out some of the tools if you like?

No pressure, just want you (and others) to get as much out of the support network you have here!

wishing you happiness, pearl. :)

That's a good idea pearlsw !

I will do that,

Red5