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It's been almost 5 weeks NC with my exuBPD married lover. Despite the fact we both pulled away, I am having feelings of rejection. These are rooted in my sense of 'fair play' which I consider she betrayed.

I am aware that unrealistic expectations in a r/s is a hallmark of immature and co-dependent relationships. More than anything I just feel sad that once again I am grieving a woman who has shown little regard for my well being over 14 years.

She pulled me back into contact while going through he suicidal phase and I behaved as well as I was able towards her. Once she was over the crisis the distancing and ST started up again - mainly connected with FB. My boundary was that if she inflicts ST on me then I cut her off FB. Childish perhaps, but it was the only way I could affect her.

I am looking after myself: eating well, connecting with friends and going out. Exercising and getting close to my wife. Nevertheless, feelings of emptiness persist and there are suicidal thoughts from time to time which soon vanish. On my own depressive scale I would say it is moderate and causal ie connected to loss.

I loved my ex but she has never been available to me and there was never any real commitment, especially when I was single. I am aware that the deep love I felt was co-dependent in nature and her emotional state mirrored my own less extreme version... It sure hurts though.

RF

Hi RF,

Sorry you are feeling bad, man! There's no way around it... .break ups are painful and take time as you know.   We think we've got all under wraps and then something can bring us back to our knees. I try not to think of the person I lost, but he seeps in around the edges at times. Keep doing what you are doing - all the stuff you do to let her go is working. It is natural to have small lapses. She was what was filling in some of the missing parts in other sides of your life I think.

I am concerned about your suicidal thoughts. It is good that you can see them for what they are and have faith that they will go away, but if you need to call a hotline and talk it out, okay? Sometimes it is nice to hear a voice and just be listened to. 

I know you loved her. I know. I think part of the mourning and grieving is because these kinds of relationships never fully flower, never fully develop, so our minds keep going over them because they feel unfinished in some way. Have you ever tried to do any rituals of letting her go? I dunno. I have done this with people I've lost with letters (though I don't recommend that in your case) or words you say while looking up into the sky. Just some kind of thing where you give her back to the universe because you cannot keep her?  Don't hold onto the pain to hold onto her in any way I'd advise. Let her and the pain go, over and over and over. It does get better, but it can take a long time.

How are things these days with your wife? Are you finding ways to connect?

 

I feel that way, but the funny thing is that my husband didn't give me a lot of support in the last few years. So I was already somewhat on my own emotionally, but of course now I really am on my own emotionally. It's tough at times.

Other times I'm OK though. I have a lot of friends, and my side of the family is on my side. Our two college kids live with me and keep me going in daily life.

I currently work online at home and am looking for another job, and I actually think that will help too. Being out with other people who think I have something to offer will be a positive.