BPDFamily.com

Hi... .My name is Chynna. I'm struggling to get a once significant other now sort of friend male BPD out of my heart. Feeling alone ... .it seems no one I know has had experience with this sort of person ( really don't want to burden others with this stuff anyway.) I'm doing 'no contact'.

Welcome and I am so sorry you had to find us. You are not alone. There are many valuable lessons to be done here. Keep reading and keep posting. Hugs.

Please know you're not alone at all.  Everyone here has been through some kind of heartache brought on by someone with a personality disorder.   For me, it's hard to talk about my experience with my BPD ex with my friends and family, because it's hard for them to understand and relate to a disorder like this.
If I can offer any words of wisdom - don't forget your own worth throughout your struggle. 
I am hoping you can find some peace and some support by continuing to post here.

I'm still with my BPD girlfriend, and I feel lonely because none of my friends understand what it's like.

They don't understand how intense the emotional connection is, despite all the dysfunction. To them it's like a joke. I rarely talk about my relationship with them because I know they'll only hurt me, even though they don't mean to, because they just can't understand what I'm going through.

There is a technique I use that might help you. I use it when I'm struggling with emotions I can't process. Here it is:

Focus on that "alone" feeling (or whatever else it is). How do you know you feel alone? Where do you feel it physically in your body? Focus on the physical sensation.

Close your eyes (or keep them open, I don't think it matters), and breathe, while saying this to yourself either out loud or in your head: "It is OK to let go of this feeling. I'm safe as I let go of this feeling. As I breathe in and out, I am safe as I let go of this feeling, and everything it represents. It's OK to let it go."

Then go back to the feeling. See if you can still feel it physically in your body. If you can, do it again. "Aim" at the physical sensation: focus on the physical feeling. And then breathe in and out as you normally would, and repeat to yourself, "It's OK to let it go, I'm safe as I let it all go... ." etc. 

What I've found is that when I do this, I can more easily deal with the thoughts/emotions when I focus on how they physically represent themselves in my body. It helps bring me to the present moment by bringing my attention to how these memories and emotions are affecting me NOW, instead of getting caught up in memories, which can go on forever.

Whether it's reading a book, playing a game, doing a hobby, hanging out with a friend, or anything... .doing something after a "session" like this can be a big help.

Anyway, just a quick tip that hopefully can be of some use to you. As I wrote that out, I did the "exercise" myself, and it helped me. It can be very good for pulling you back into the present moment and relieving the emotional burden you're feeling.

Thank you all so much!   I feel as you do about the difficulty to trust / talk to people about my experience. It is deliberately a much more difficult break up. This time of year is hard too. Although my logical brain knows the answer to these questions, it will help to see the answers in print from people who get it... .Why will he not say goodbye in a respectful way that honors the relationship? And why will he not return my house key?

Hi, Chynna,

I'm sorry that your circumstances bring you here but you're absolutely in the right place to find understand and support.  One thing you will hear echoed over again is that a breakup with a PD-trait person is nothing like a normal breakup, where people can indeed feel sad, but respect the ending of the relationship and ultimately grieve and move on while remembering the good aspects and the growth that came from them.  The reason in many cases, as I am finally starting to understand, is "trauma bonding".  Trauma bonding is more durable than love, and it is NOT love….it comes about because of the many characteristics of the relationship with the PD person, including the push-pull cycle of wanting you close and then devaluing you, the abuse cycle of emotional and verbal assaults coupled with passionate makeups, and the desire of the PD person to address childhood wounds in the context of the current relationship, wounds which are too deep for another person to "fix".  I don't know if this is the case with you, but for many of us on here, it rings true.  Trauma bonding is also one of the reasons why many people (including me) recycle the relationship - even though we know nothing has changed in order to make the second time around (or the 3rd, or the 12th….) work.

I am in a similar situation to you, given that my diagnosed exBPD/NPD bf will NOT let go of the relationship, even though we broke in December of 2016.  He is still engaging in constant contact, manipulating my emotions and making me feel a potent mixture of guilt, hurt and yes, love, that are hard for me to resist. I am determined not to be drawn in again.  Let the many good people on here help you in that effort as well.  It sounds like you're at the beginning of the journey, and journey it is.  Read and learn and know that even though it hurts terribly now, you are going to find your way through the jungle of emotions without stepping into quicksand again. 

I know how hard it is and am still living it every day.