BPDFamily.com

  I am in need of some advice please. My 2 year relationship with my boyfriend has broken down.
He was diagnosed with BPD last year whilst spending time in a secure hospital  (UK) .
I have supported him whole heartedly for 2 years. I am unable to list the help I have given him as it would go on for pages and pages.
He can be such a kind,  loving sweet man and I miss him so much.  But the negative parts of the relationship far outweigh the positives.  The abuse he put me through was horrific.  The hospital visits, the suicide attempts and violent behaviour, mental abuse, threats,  manipulation,  jealously to name but a few. I guess my question is... .do I stay out of his life. He begs me daily to talk to him, see him, help him. He says I am abandoning him , just like everyone else has and that I don't care if he is dead or alive. It's not true. In actual fact I love him very much and I am heart broken that he is in so much pain. But I have my own health to think about (and the well being of my children)
Should I cut all Ties and let him heal and move on?  I want to help him and be a friend to him  (he doesn't have many left) but I fear me being in his life at all is making him worse. He misses the relationship we had, but I can't abandon him. I also can't cope with anymore emotional abuse.
Any advice is greatly received

Dear Sunflowercb4,

Welcome !

On these boards a lot of people know what you are going through. We all have one or more loved ones with BPD in our lives. So I am happy you reached out !

Have you read up about BPD ? There are a lot of good books, like 'Walking on eggshells', to name just one of them.

Have you heard about FOG (fear / obligation / guilt) ?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I cannot tell you what to do. I know however what I would do (and have done in the past). You are saying you have children. For me, leaving was speeded up by the fact I have a daughter.

In my personal opinion we can only heal from the abuse we went through if we install NC (no contact). And NC really means NC, that is, no visits, no phone calls, nothing. It means, time to focus on just ourselves (and of course our children if we have them), and heal. There is a whole life waiting and moving on is really possible.

Having been with BPD/NPD, I know how they sometimes mess with your brain. In the end I had the impression I was turning and turning in circles. I couldn't see clear anymore. I also forgot to just *feel*. Actually that's not entirely correct, I had never learned how to feel. But that's another story.
When you stop thinking for just a moment, how do you, deep down feel ? Do you want to keep investing in this person who you left already ? Do you want to keep dragging yourself through all of these troubles, that would obviously still be coming ? And with you, your children ?

It's ok to feel, and to make decisions from there. They are actually oftentimes the best decisions I think.

It's also ok to think about ourselves. It's actually very natural, only some people don't do it enough.

What do you think ?

Hello Sunflowercb4, I felt like I was in exactly this position last weekend, deciding whether to finally end my 2-year relationship with my girlfriend with BPD, or whether to go back to her after yet another break-up. We had a few days apart (after she threatened to "take action" if I didn't move out of the house). I read a lot here and realised that there certainly were some things that I was doing that were making things worse - escalating conflict when she was losing control (i.e. I tend to be defensive, frequently invalidating, and not clear with boundaries).

Of course, her pain is not all my fault, even though she often blames me for it, and so that means that I cannot fix her by changing me. But I can work on those things about me that I now recognise and would like to change, for better overall communication and personal relationships in all areas of my life. And I can understand her better and hopefully react less myself to her accusations and outbursts.

So my decision last weekend was to go back to her, but now with much more understanding and eyes wide open. I think that I have to be willing to accept that maybe it won't work out, but at the same time committed now to the relationship and working on those things about me that I want to change. She's also just starting DBT therapy, so I see this as a time of personal growth (hopefully), and we'll see how it goes.

Going back, of course, is not going to be the right decision for everyone and it has to be for the right reasons. I know, I've made the hard decision to leave a very long-term relationship in the past. There's a lot to weigh-up and, at least for me, the few days with distance and no other pressures so that I could think more clearly, and the stories and perspectives of people here and their experiences of dealing with a SO with BPD were really helpful.