BPDFamily.com

Where to start hmm. Well I am married 38years. I believe my wife suffers from BPD. First let me say I didn't know what BPD was until a couple months ago never even heard of it until I started to search for out of charactor sex impulses.
I have been troubled since we were first married we had went on a weekend camping trip with several friends and friends of all of theirs about 20 people total. My wife was clingy to me which I liked cause we were in love. We had been fishing and playing horse shoes all day. Then towards late afternoon she seemed distant I asked whats wrong she said nothing I just need some space. We as a group were running low on beer when two guys who i casually new said they were going to run for beer. My wife suddenly says I will go to. I grabbed her and asked no don't go, she pulled away and said I am going. I said then we can go together she said," NO leave me alone" and jumped in the car with them and they took off. Now this was really weird on my wifes part. She had told me earlier she didnt like these two guys, I was at a loss. The store was just five minutes away so I started to get worried when 45 minutes went by, then saw them coming back. the two guys and my wife were all laughing and seemed to be having fun. I was suspicious of the length of time it took and asked what took so long they all stammered and then said they went looking for deer. I didnt like the answer but didnt say much till later at night. then my wife starts this do you love me and starts crying I asked what was wrong she says nothing. I asked what took so long at the store really? She asks why dont you trust me. Well alright I said. still having an uneasy feeling. Years later I got wind that the two guys bragged about banging her. I was pissed how could she have done this. this sweet goodie two shoes of a woman. I confronted her about it she says nothing happened there just creeps starting trouble why dont you trust me and the an argument. I let it go because it just seemed so out of character for her to have cheated. Really out of charactor.

Another time several years later, I went on a 5 day hunting trip with my brothers,Weds through Sunday. We all tagged out early so I decided to come home Saturday. I got home, she was at work I started to put my hunting clothes away. I went down to the basement and noticed laundry on the floor but what caught my attention was a wash rag cloth, one of several my wife and I use after sex and only after sex. I have never seen her use one for anything different. I then went upstairs and there is a pair of jeans on the floor. I didn't remember leaving them there. I picked them up and noticed the pocket where the wallet wear mark was was on the left pocket, I wear mine on the right. What the f@#$ I thought. I waited till she got home we kissed and she says why are you home early. I told we were all tagged out and decided to come home early. I asked her where she was last night she said" I was working you know that! oh that's right I said. I asked who was over she says nobody why? I ask whos jeans are these. she says yours. I say no the wallet is wore on the left mine is on the right whose jeans are these I ask again. "I dont know then", she says. I say come on they didnt just appear here. then she walks down stairs saying maybe they are my her brothers he was over earlier in the week I said come on why would he leave his pants here I donna know she said. I then ask about the rag. what rag? the sex rag I say The look was kinda telling. She says I used it to wipe up a stain in the bathroom. I said you never use those rags for that. she asks what are you saying I said you had someone over didnt you. "No" she says "you are always accusing me of this! "Now It's my fault for not trusting it starts a bad argument. I raeally dont trust her at this point and was going to leave her. I wait till the next Friday. She gets paid. I ask to see her pay stub suspecting she had taken the previous Friday off for a tryst. She asks why? 'I want to look at it ,I say to see how much vacation time she has. Because at that time it told on her pay stub. There it is. She had taken a sick day that Friday. Now I come unglued. I am screaming at her calling her a dirty cheater, she is balling saying "I had forgotten I took it off" You have to trust me and continues sobbing. she then asks what are you going to do I said leave you. She falls to the floor and is crying now saying I didn't cheat on you. I leave. A few hours pass. I come back home because I didnt really have any place else to go. She is still crying and begs me not to leave and swears she didn't cheat on me. I didn't believe her, but really loved her and decided to stay.

We stayed together had 3 kids and things seemed ok with the exception of these angry outbursts. could be with me the kids but mostly me. Then flip the switch and be happy little home maker. of Coarse all arguments were my fault always.

 Then I started searching after we had our last blow up (there have been many in 38 years). which she through in my face " that's why I had another man" I dont even remember what the argument was over now, she can fly off the handle at a moments notice about? sometimes God only knows what, and it can be over something trivial. I mean an hour or two anger evan a day or more. I notice also she would tear pictures of herself up at times and say there now you dont have to look these. Odd.

 Back to the other man thing. A few years ago I noticed a friend and neighbor of ours getting overly friendly with my wife and she wasn't resisting. Like all of a sudden hug embraces when he and his wife stopped by, at first it seemed innocent but they never hugged  in the several years we had known them. Then for some reason I was checking my cell usage and I noticed my wife and he were calling each other after I left for work and just before she left for work as she would leave about a half hour later. I found this very odd so I checked back records at least 3 months worth and this was an ongoing thing. After I would leave for golf visiting etc... .I checked the calls every day for a week after, then Casually asked her if she had talked to Mark this week and she said "no, why would I?" I said I didnt know. When was the last time you talked with him on the phone I asked. She told me about three weeks ago why. I said just curious. So I printed the phone records. and confronted her with them just before going to church on Sunday. What are all these phone calls I asked. It was like deer in the headlights she stormed to the bathroom not a word. Then came out crying you dont talk to me I had to talk to someone. What are you talking about we talk and do lots of things together.  No It was all my fault. I dont know how to treat her she said crying and then and two hour argument about how I never trusted her. I was crushed. I asked if they had sex she said no But I am not sure. So I called Mark up and confronted him he apologized and said it was just talking and  no sex had occured. I then told Mark Not to call or come over or to have any contact with us again and Then I told his wife. He has not called since nor have he and his wife come over.

So ever since the 'That's why I had another man thing" I started looking for out of character sex stuff .

The kids are all grown and the last one is in last year of collage. So after realizing she is or maybe BPD I am concerned about her, and Me. I started having reoccurring thoughts of her cheating. Which she still denies, when I bring it up in arguments. Although when I get really pissed and through it in her face she just doesn"t respond

It is just so ought of charactor for her. We are not heavy drinkers or partiers etc... .pretty laid back really were there more? Has she stopped. I would say probably. as were 60ish now. She works in the medical Field and darned good at what she does. She is a loving gal most times. she just has these mood swings. I dont want to leave her now though.

I know this is long and probably misspelled and such. My apologies.

Slapshot

Hi slapshot,

I am sorry to hear about what a difficult time you are having with sorting out how what is going on in your relationship. You seem convinced your wife is cheating, she is denying it, and now what to do? You say you don't want to leave her. A cycle of worrying, wondering, making accusations and her denials over and over can cause a lot of damage. What do you want to do about all of this? Have you considered talking with a counselor to help you sort out your feelings and perhaps come up with a plan to deal with it in the long run?

Is it possible that you being jealous makes it hard for her to say what she is really thinking and feeling? Is she afraid of your anger? Is there a way to have discussions where both of you feel safe to open up or is that not possible? I know my h's jealousy/anger keeps me from telling him things I would like to tell him and this has at times lead to problems for us. Are you inadvertently doing anything that could be contributing to the problem and if so could you make changes around that? What do you want to have happen about all of this?

wishing you the best, pearlsw.