BPDFamily.com

I left my BPD 3 months ago and have had my eyes open with the walking on eggshells book. Several professionals  including our psychologist have diagnosed my ex wife with BPD. No one has told my ex anything. It has helped me alot but what about the kids they are 15 17
 and 21 and I am in alot of confusion whether them knowing will help or harm them further. I am not there to oil the roller coaster anymore and I fear for them taking on that burden.

Domestic courts appear to shy away from dealing with diagnostic labels.  To an extent that makes sense, each person can demonstrate the identifying traits and the poor behaviors to varying degrees.  As a comparison, we all would probably agree that not all alcoholics are the same, the ones who drive intoxicated or become aggressive and violent put children more at risk than the quiet private drunks.  Same with BPD, NPD, etc, some are more aggressively damaging to the children than others.

What can you do to help them make better observations, better conclusions, better decisions, better choices in their lives?  Validation is immensely helpful.  That is a learned skill.  How so?  Invalidation is too easy to do.  If their PD parent says or does something mean or hurtful, we shouldn't say, "But they still love you.  So ignore it."  That's clueless invalidation.  What you want to do is help them to identify the dysfunctional actions, come to the correct conclusions and make good choices.  That way they're less likely to choose a life partner who is dysfunctional like the PD parent or an appeaser/fixer like you probably were.  (After all, you found out that appeasing and endless fixing didn't work.)  You don't want your children to make sadly familiar choices like you did back then.  Instead they need to look for healthy relationships.

I have partial custody of my partner's siblings due to their mother's BPD and I find the time they have alone with her very difficult to manage. (They are 15,13 and 10) She doesn't acknowledge this so I don't use this term to the children but I do try and help them see that the things she says about them aren't true and a result of her incorrect thinking. I tend to talk about how people sometimes have faulty perceptions of situations. I teach them to say 'I can see you are hurting mum but that is not how I see things I am going to my room for a while' when she starts one of her attacks. What is not so easy to deal with is when she attacks me to them but I try not to react and say I can see she feels angry just repeat the line about some people not perceiving things the way others would. I'm not sure if this helps but that is my knowledge so far!

My kids are young and this issue has been a real source of concern there has been 3 years of court ordered no contact between the dxBPDw.

My suggestion is get the kids a therapist to avoid multiroling and ethical conundrums that therapist can have dealing with these issues. Find a therapist that has a good background in dealing with PD’s usually a provider who has a lot of experience under their belts. Those who are certified as DBT therapist’s may be not only insightful, but could give your kid tools and help them work through dealing with a BPD.

What's the custody situation and is K21 still living at home? Where do you see them struggling at this point?