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I remember when you called me babe with love light in your eye
I remember when you raised your face to kiss when I walked bye
I remember holding hands so tight as down the street we walked
The nights by firelight flickering soft the music as we talked.
I remember thinking, this is what my life's been waiting for
A rainbows end, my pot of gold I couldn't ask for more.
I remember when your face got black you shouted at me loud
Your mouth once kissed with love was twisted, darkness like a cloud
I didn't know what I'd done wrong but sure I must be bad
I must try harder for your sake I mustn't make you mad
You tortured me withheld your love I grovelled at your feet
I'm sickened by the lengths I went for your demands to meet
The more I loved and tried the more you ground me into dirt
The more I tried to understand the more you tried to hurt.
You are not difficult to love but liking you is hard
I thought my love would be enough, for you I dropped my guard
Now I have lost my heart, my self, the person I once knew
I do not recognise me now nor like me nor like you.
This illness that you bear is vile, it's ruined us you see
But you will go on marching through and put the blame on me
And even though deep down inside you know that isn't true
It's just the way you will survive
I wish that I could too.

That's a very sad but beautiful poem you've written. I can relate to every part of it.

Thank you limetaste, it was sad to write and sad that you can relate. I have written quite a lot of poems on here in the last couple of years, I dunno, it seems to help me to express like this, but doesn't make for happy reading 

Sadly that's a very heartfelt piece of writing and reads beautifully.  You must surely sum up most all of our relationships in these words.  How are you doing at the moment in yourself?

Love and light x

Thanks HQ. Well, I seem to be permanently sad. I have no zest for life, see no further than the next day, so I guess I am very depressed. I have been like this for so long it has become a way of life and I don't appear to have the strength to change it. No more pills for me either, they don't seem to help. Am sorry I am like this, apathetic and whatever, it's been months since I kicked him out of my life but I seem to be wallowing in self pity and regret. No help for me I'm afraid,  until whatever part of my brain decides to do something and right now am not actually bothered. He tries to contact me constantly, has not found anyone else but I no longer care one way or the other. I still love him, hate his illness, which by the way he says is mine, however over the years he has let slip enough for me to kn ow that he knows there is something wrong with him. That will never be properly acknowledged or treated though. I think he is right about me in some ways, I have one or two gentle BPD traits. I wish I had never met him, I was such a contented person, a bit lonely sometimes. But loving and kind, simple things gave me pleasure, my garden, my cat, planning nice things for my friends and family, I miss all that. Thank you for caring enough to reply, I read you a lot. X