BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I've met this guy a year ago. I consider him my romantic friend (boyfriend?)(ex lover?), but we are not a real couple. We do not live together. For his great regrets. Why? Because I don't feel being able to handle it. We have a lot of differences (age difference, he's a mess and I am co-dependent, he has BPD and I'm co-dependent etc etc). Still, I love him and he has other qualities that I really like. And so I like to hang out with him. But I'm keeping my distances to protect myself, because I feel I'd be swallowed at once.

This guy, when annoyed, would go silence, ignoring me totally. Other times though, he would idolize me, you know the song. He's like a child, wants to be totally taken car of to feel loved, but when so, starts to hate himself for being no-good.  For the past few months he ignored me a lot, we haven't spend much time together, and it's been a month I haven't seen him at all. He's not being well, he's sick, he's drunk all the time, spending his time in his room doing nothing, hasn't got any close friends except me (I guess?), totally depressed. When he calls me, he's drunk, really irritated, sometimes makes some irony filled suicide hints.

Some time ago I would be sick of worry, now I'm a bit tired. But I'd like to help him. So, I guess, I feel some responsibility to help him. . And I would have LOTS to offer him, if ONLY he listened to me... you know the song. He would be a new man! I'd like to say to him that he can count on me... .and that I could offer him my help... but the thing is... .as I said, I have my limits: I would not answer him the calls late at night even if he's really upset... .I would not like to talk to him when he's drunk... .I won't invite him to my place, because I live with my mom... I won't spend the evenings and nights with him, because I have a lot of work, my time is limited and I like to sleep alone. And etc etc. And this bothers him a lot, because he would only accept my help if he was ALL to me (all or nothing). But he's not: I have my own co-dependence to take care of, and I have many other interests in my life. So here I am wanting all-heartily to offer him my (limited but important) help, but don't know how. Could you please advice something or do you have some insights in our not very ordinary relationship... any insights in my own behavior?

Thank you very much.

Hi FoxC,

It sounds to me like you are very self-aware about what you are able to offer and not offer to the relationship with this person. I think it is great that you know what issues you have (co-dependency) and what your priorities are - work, getting rest, not dealing with someone when they drunk, etc. You don't have to offer the world to this person, it is okay to have a frame within which you relate to him and don't let it cross into other areas that could damage you and your life. Never forget, unless you are very healthy yourself taking on this much from another person can be overwhelming. You are offering a lot, you have offered friendship and time together when you have the time. You can also make suggestions, if you like, about things he can do for himself to be healthier - but that is his responsibility not yours. It is enough to be a kind, encouraging influence in someone else's life and not take on more than you can bear.

Wishing you peace, pearlsw.