BPDFamily.com

Hi guys, I've posted my story a couple times in the past months, a quick summary would be :

We met I was 24 she was 20 approxim. she felt like the ideal girl because it felt like we "Understood each other" on a level I thought I would feel home. She was interested in all the subjects I talked about and liked to know about my projects but I ignored that she had nothing to say about herself she was always in agreement, basically just idealizing me and making me feel like I'm the best person for her and she was reflecting that feeling to me for a while. We dated for 3 years and the first year was a lot of change the first months were fine because it was only her and I we weren't meeting each other's families yet. As I met her family and discovered her true personality piece by piece she turned out to be very childish, spoiled and immature but was playing a different role when she was with me, until her cover blew. I was still in love with the person but we started fighting a lot because I realized we weren't on the same wavelength at all. After different experiences of living with her in temporary appartments we rented outside of town for summer jobs we had together, I began to realize she was not a good fit for me at the moment and had a lot of growing up to do but I wasn't thinking of ending the relationship, I just thought time would change her and she would grow up, being younger than I was. Towards the end of our 3 years she started working in a new restaurant meeting new people, going out more and it began to be weird between us no time to see each other she was working so much and we lost interest in keeping the flame we had. She met another guy, lied about him and lined him up before completely discarding me and devaluating me like was never nothing in her life.

I was in huge pain, it was hard to get over even though I knew deep down she wasn't the one with all those actions and behaviors I didn't want in my life. I was beginning to think she'd never change anyway. Her "Rebound" relationship failed after 6 weeks and she came back crawling. She emotionally manipulated me atleast I don't know if that was her intention but it worked. She said all the right things to convince me she had learned a hard but valuable lesson that our relationship was meaningful and she had things to work on. She realized she was immature and spoiled and that made her have a difficulty taking thought out decisions. SHe realized I wasn't the bad person she painted me to be, and we started dating again because i still had feelings for her but I ignored our incompatiblity. The honeymoon phase lasted 3 months, it was based on physical, attachment and sexual needs in hindsight.

We started argueing a bit, some fights here and there but I wasn't putting as much energy into them I was dismissing the whole situations because I had learned from the past that fighting her never lead to anything positive. AFter a couple days she would always turn around and apologize in a sheepish way for her overreacting or for her childish behavior saying she knows she was wrong... .and we would go on and on like this  for a year. After we argued she said she couldn't take it anymore and thought it be best that we both move on. She said she had very strong feelings for me and that going NC Would help us both heal because talking to me still affected her emotionally. I agreed to the breakup, I had come to realize she was never going to change and never going to be compatible with me long term. One week later I ran into her at a club and saw her with another guy. Word on the street was that she had already slept with him, and when I confronted her about her "sadness and difficulty moving on but already seeing someone else" she got mad, cold and discarded me as the worst piece of ___ AGAIN just like the first time. It was like dejavu but it still hurt as much to see her become so mean when we had shared a total of 4 years together... .I don't understand that behavior. SHe justified meeting another guy and seeing him already by the fact that we would never work out "anyway"... .so it was inevitable that she would end up seeing someone else one day... .

I took it really hard, its been 3 months today since the "breakup" and 68 days since that conversation where I confronted her about her "new guy". I've ran into her recently while driving she was on the side of the road hanging out infront of a club with her friends, I Reacted by just accelerating and getting the hell out of that street.

I guess what I wanted to post tonight is that, even though my mind was ready to let this person go. I wasn't expecting to be replaced twice, it hurts to have trusted someone when they wanted back in and claimed to still love you after their bad experience. I still ruminate on how she can be so cold and devaluating after everything I've done for her in our recent year of dating. She claims I never did anything for her and that this new guy was a much better match for her... that her life is now 100% better now that she has eliminated me from it and basically told "ME" That I had to get myself "Happy" and "positive" to feel better in life because I was responsable for her feeling so bad about herself during our relationship, yet she came back.

Anybody relate?

I can relate to having hurtful things said to me by someone who at other times professed undying love for me and told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.  The way I processed it was a bit like when he needed to disconnect because of the abandonment/engulfment fears it was at those times specifically when the hurtful words would be spoken.  Even at times when he seemed to be calm, aloof, have everything together and know and mean what he said with intention ie not overtly showing signs of distress.  It was evident that on the inside he was in pain. 

I likened it to when a child lashes out in anger because they feel hurt in some way emotionally.  It seemed to match perfectly the situations where these hurtful and often blatantly projected accusations would come out.  When my ex was stable and things were OK even for short periods he would often explain that what he said at those times he knew was wrong but he couldn't stop himself.  That he didn't mean the things he said but he was hurting inside.  It was like a defence mechanism that he used to deflect from his true feelings of vulnerability. 

From the point I put this together I no longer acknowledged or allowed to disturb me the statements he made towards or about me at times of stress of any kind.

Her saying these things was assigning blame to you in order to free herself of any guilt for her own actions.  Do not allow these things to haunt you.  You have to release yourself from holding onto those words and let go.  You know the truth about yourself and about the relationship from your own perspective, and it is that perspective alone that you can work with.  She paints the perfect picture of the ideal man and wonderful relationship because it's not only what she wants others to think - it's what she too wants to believe and possibly does believe.  Right now. 

How would you describe the way you're feeling about things at the moment?

Love and light x   

I am a little angry at myself for allowing myself to be so vulnerable to her mean words. Again I also feel it was like a young child lashing out when she got caught in her lies. Weeks before she was complimenting me in many ways.

I'm also angry at her for needing to get so much external validation from other men. I've never experienced such an immature ending, I've been with girls that were honest that they were leaving to have new experiences, it hurt me but I understood it because deep down I also was able to recognize that need at a younger age.

It seems like she is very unexperienced and I can understand that as well. The only thing I have difficulty accepting and getting through is how she can toss 4 years out the window and pretend it was worth nothing as soon as someone else gives her what she believes to be a perfect relationship... .

We both went through that phase early on too, its like her memory is completely out of wack

Thanks for your response, I must admit I do let it haunt me, even though she's younger the hurtful things she said and did have made me anxious to run into her in real life specially the coward text message breakup

Hey Subaru02, Change is painful, but it leads to new growth.  Those with BPD often have child-like emotions, which includes lashing out and temper tantrums.  I suggest you find a way to limit communications with her through good Boundaries (see Tool button, above).  My BPDxW said all sorts of horrible and hurtful things to me after we separated and then divorced.  Her rage had no limits.  Yet I came to understand that poison is harmless if you don't ingest it.  Same could be said for your Ex's unkind words.

LuckyJim

We have been NC since 70 days. I have only run into her in my car she was walking on the street. I reacted a little emotionally by accelerating out of the scene. But other than that, no communication at all.

The fact still remains it is hard.

Yes, it's hard, yet sometimes one has to do the hard things in life in order to learn and grow.  All feelings, positive and negative, are valid, so try to acknowledge your feelings as they come up.  Try to look at your feelings as an observer, and see what they tell you.

LJ

My feelings are angry, at being replaced so easily but also being manipulated into thinking I was still so important to her while she pursued someone else.

I feel I ignored the signs that she was preparing this in my face while still reaping the benefits of having me around.

I wonder why its so important for her to paint me black now that she has a new partner I am nothing, when I was reading conversations 2 weeks before BU where I was her most important person in the world. It makes no sense and I'm exhausted trying to make sense of it...

I doubt you will ever make sense of it, due to the complexities of BPD.  What you can figure out is why you got involved with a pwBPD in the first place, which is an important inquiry, in my view, for purposes of your recovery.  Trying to speculate on your Ex's motivations is likely to be a fruitless pursuit.  Ruminating is exhausting, I agree, because you have no control over the past; instead, better to focus on the future, which is where your power is.  When in doubt, suggest you consult the Serenity Prayer.  In the meantime, don't beat yourself up!  You're human, like the rest of us.  Suggest you embrace your imperfections.

LJ

Thanks for the insight.

I have an explainable need for her to see me in the same light as she used to. I don't understand why her opinion of me is so important.

I guess you are right, its a tough journey to discover why we get involved with them in the first place but how could I have consciously known about this 4 yrs ago when I was 23 and didn't know anything about BPD at all... .

Today when I read about it all the signs were there for sure though... sadly.

Hey Subaru, Like you, I had never heard about BPD before I got married and I suspect that most on this site are in the same boat.  So, No, I'm not saying you could or should have done anything differently.  What I am suggesting is that it's a worthwhile inquiry to figure out why you were attracted to a pwBPD, which is usually because there was something familiar about the dynamic, perhaps from childhood.  Can you put your finger on what it was about your Ex that seemed familiar to you?  It's a tough journey, as you note.

I suggest giving up the need for her to see you "in the same light as she used to," because you can't control how she sees you.

LuckyJim

She has made her "relationship" with him official on facebook in the past days, in the comments you can see people refering to her possibly moving in with him or alread having done so. We had never made anything public about our relationship in 3 years, I wonder what the hurry is to announce it publicly.

Its funny how it all feels like a fantasy to me, she has trouble keeping her room clean at her mom's place, it looks like she thinks she can fastforward her life with a new relationship without working on her issues. Living with her at my place was very dysfunctional she is very messy, unorganized and has always been spoon fed so she has no idea how to do chores and maintain a place. If this guy is already living with her, in an official relationship with her so quickly, it all seems to "fast" to me, but then again who am I to judge... .its only been 2.5 months that she's been seeing him things can change so rapidly in life.

I think I did some self inquiry and realized I was attracted to women that needed "rescueing" I've seen this pattern return a couple times and I am now able to stop it, I understand now that these women that need a rescuer in shining armor are very flawed and will bring me nothing positive even if it feels good at first to help them in their endless search for love and self-esteem

Good work, Subaru.  Right, most Nons in a BPD r/s are caretakers, to a greater or lesser extent.  Sure, it feels noble at first to be a White Knight.  Took me a long time to grasp that rescuing is an unhealthy dynamic for both the rescuer and the person rescued, because it fosters an unhealthy dependency.  As you note, it leads to frustration and unhappiness.

Good luck on finding your new path!

LJ