BPDFamily.com

Hello,

My BPD/NPD spouse and I have separated.  I have my 14 year old daughter with me.  We have 4 adult children also, one of whom lives with us.  My BPD/NPD husband is totally estranged from all of our adult children.  I never imagined leaving him would be so difficult. He is fighting for custody of our 14 year old daughter, even though he has never had any interest in parenting.  Some days I am surviving.  Other days I feel crushed by the weight of his intensity.  How do others deal with the relentless attack of someone this intense?

Peace,

nomoreyears

I wish I had an answer for you.   I am divorcing BPD of 12 years, the last year was so intense I barely held on. I realized that I had to do something to protect my 6 yo twins. I tried holding on to the vows, in sickness, y'know. But finally when the counselor said "you have given him too many chances". (And he was a marriage counselor who prides himself in 'saving' marriages). I felt like if HE was saying run, I needed to listen.

I journaled all of my stbxH dysregulating, and it actually gave me power... .while I was filing the divorce, while I was working towards leaving, it was the fuel I needed. I just had to open any page of 20 some odd, and read the words that he had said to both me, and my little girls.

I can't imagine what I'd do if mine tried to fight for custody. He's shown very little ability to parent. If I were you I'd be fighting that, as I'm sure you are. He will probably double down (mine did)... .but then backed off when I told him I'd air out his dirty laundry in court unless he'd do no-contest and sign the stipulation. He did and now I'm just counting days until it's over.

Sorry to read you are going thru this

Welcome.  Others will respond and post their thoughts as well.  My thought is that his sudden turnaround toward parenting is an aspect of Extinction Bursts.  Search here for articles about that.  He is probably expecting that if he obstructs your goals enough that you'll retreat back into prior appeasing, fixing modes.

It can also be that he is more concerned about how he looks to the public.  It's almost universally noted here that acting-out disordered people don't care how we see them and how they act but they don't want private laundry aired.  You and the kids have seen the bad side because it was generally behind closed doors or more private scenarios such as when traveling, etc.

Whatever the reasons, you need to hold to your new Boundaries.  Your spouse many never stop resisting them but holding to firm Boundaries are the only way you can improve your life and the lives of the children.  Sometimes you have to adjust them based upon circumstances but be aware that any relaxing of boundaries will be like waving to a bull, enticing an effort to trample the boundary even more.

Having good, practical strategies is essential too.  Peer support is a vital asset, we've been there, done that, we know what usually works and what usually doesn't.  Having a proactive experienced lawyer is great too, you need more than the typical form filer and hand holder.  The grown children ought to be solid support too.