BPDFamily.com

Hello and thank you for this wonderful opportunity for enlightenment. My 25 year old daughter is about to finish a 3 week Emotional management program . There has been very little communication between us and she is angry. I am constantly receiving text messages from her and I have advice that I have no role. She has been told she is co dependent and needs to learn independence.
Im not sure what I am writing so I am sorry for taking your time but
I am excited about your site and learning how to diffuse her outbursts, with Sympathy , Empathy and Truth statements.
As she finishes the program in a few days I am apprehensive of the response but am trying to empower myself to not walk on egg shells and keep my oxygen mask on.
wishing you all well

Hello Lily2

I love your message!  Not sure what I'm writing about describes my feelings exactly much of the time!   *)  I'm so glad you are here to join us, we're all sort of learning and figuring things out together, and being able to share tools and learn for me really helps change the nature of the journey a little. 

I hope your daughter gains skills and takes advantage of the program she is in. It must be hard being advised that you have 'no role' when your daughter is distraught and angry.  It sounds to me though that if she is constantly texting you, that she values the relationship with you and is still intensely involved with it, even if her involvement is anger.  At least if there is contact, there is some opportunity to change the relationship!  Have you watched the videos too?  I really like  Fruzzeti (under the validation link) and on youtube I find Marsha Lineham's videos too.  Another book that might not be listed here is Reaching the Unreachable Child that talks a lot about using humor to connect to very angry kids.

Wishing the best for you, please let us know how it goes when she comes out!

 

Hi there Lily , I understand being the target for that anger as I’m normally the one it’s directed towards . Myself and my DD have gotten into some terrible fights ( mostly verbal ... she’s only ever laid her hands on me once when she pushed me back through a doorway ).
We have actually come a long way together in how we deal with our conflict and the “ screaming matches “ are very few and far between now .
The most important thing I’ve learned is to literally leave her in her own space until she’s ready to leave that space . As a Mum ive tried everything including running upstairs after her , wanting to “ fix “ things , I want to know what’s upsetting her , or why she’s behaving badly , trying to force her into a corner to “ just talk to me please “, ive raged at her , tried to reason , defend myself , I’ve even said somethings in anger or out of fear  that are not very nice ... .. We have both learned however to take our time out . She has learned that she needs to tell me ( in a respectful way ) , that she does not feel like talking right now and she needs me to leave her alone . And finally I’ve learned  to listen to that ... and I leave her alone .  I have found this so hard ... to reign myself in , to not want to follow her and try to force her to talk by sitting in her bed and refusing to move . But ultimately, if I don’t give her that space , it just escalates. I have leaned over time , that if I give her that space , she’ll eventually come round again . 

I’ve had some pretty nasty texts from her too including “ I hate your guts “. I ignored it . I now resist the urge to write a massive reply back ... .it would be lost on deaf ears anyway when she’s in “ that place “ of complete dysregulation . I really don’t have any words of wisdom , just wanted to share you are not alone in learning how to deal with the conflict . Xxxx

I think we all learn from our mistakes. And then even despite that we get pulled in to the abyss. My daughter has been in and out of therapy since 13 years old. When I get discouraged and start blaming myself for her discontentment with life, I remind myself that if there ever was an inkling of me doing my daughter harm at that time, I would have been taken aside very quickly and told. So, we've done our best.
 The best way to avoid conflict is to keep a calm and cool demeanor. Let her know you hear her, but resist the temptation to explain. It will only prolong the argument.