BPDFamily.com

Literally a couple days after finding out I was replaced, the inevitable happened, I ran into my BPDex--what a strange, surreal moment.

About 3 months out of the relationship, she cut contact abruptly around that time and I stopped reaching out around 2 months ago. I removed her as a facebook connection after seeing heavy, deliberate flirting with a random guy out of state. That of course hasn't panned out and Ive only seen her grasping at straws with mutual guy friends since. Those too didn't go anywhere as far as I know. So the other day I found out of the 'official' replacement via her Spotify account. I don't have any other social media connection and don't keep up with Spotify, just use it to stream but we were connected there. Basically she made a lovey dovey playlist with the replacements name and all types of love bombing songs, including a handful overlapping ones from the playlist she made for me when we first started dating. No doubt in my mind it was more to possibly get a rise out of me (since thats her only outlet now) than it was to profess her love for him, and to a degree it worked. Im pretty sure the replacement lives out of state and is long distance at this point. Also they cant have known each other for more than a month or two. Shell keep it under control from a distance and get him invested but sooner or later it'll come crashing down.

So the next night I'm meeting a friend in town (we live in a small town) for a holiday event where they close down the streets. Literally thousands of people out and about enjoying the festivities and Im there for about 5 minutes weaving through the crowds. This is close to where my ex lives so I knew there was a chance shed be there. I turn the corner and go down a sidewalk thats a bit quieter and without fully being aware and being able to comprehend what was happening I find myself walking up towards my ex with her family (with a couple family members who are friggen awful to her) sitting on the ledge of this sidewalk. This happens in a flash--so surreal. Here I am, tortured for months dealing with this breakup, just found out I was replaced and Im seeing her face to face, only a few feet away. I realize its her, she glances up from her phone, we make eye contact and both make that awkward chuckle like 'wow, its you' as we both knew this time would come but how rare and random? I just look to her family who are staring off and back at her in that brief moment as I continue to stride by and as my back is passing she lets out another fake louder chuckle as if to literally have the last laugh. As if to one up me. I try to wrap my head around what just occurred and just continue walking, no looking back, in a bit of shock really.

Really pretty wild/out of body and Im sure the text doesn't convey it. There I was literally arms length away from this person who I loved deeeeeeply and still care for to some degree but she completely brought me to ruins and discarded like no other, painted blacker than black. I didn't actually say anything and nothing from her, just strange laughs. With all the activity on the streets with people around, the bright lights, live music playing, the smells of food/treats, it was nothing shy of a scene from a movie. The sensory overload was through the roof and it all happened in a FLASH. I was literally out of my car for 10 minutes total. What a trip.

Part of me wanted to reach out following the sighting, terrible idea, I know. To text 'well that was weird. I really hope you're well' or something along those lines. Part of me feels like I came off pompous, like 'HA f*ck off" even though I should feel that way in some respect. So that made me feel a bit guilty? Ive really been wanting to convey that 'you did me wrong, and you know deep down I deserved better than how you left it' but I understand that to be a moot point. Part of me wished Id just have said "Hey ____" in a more cordial way but that was that--it happened--and in a swift flash. Couldn't really remember what she was wearing, how she looked in the moments following, it just happened. I do feel she was probably embarrassed. Maybe troubled to see that I existed and didn't visually come off as a complete mess. I know out of sight out of mind is key to them. Had she been with the replacement she probably wouldve portrayed strong and indifferent, but being with her family who I essentially rescued her from many many nights, kind of the opposite. She was likely texting the replacement or something similar as she was on her phone and looked up to see me passing. The possibilities of what she was thinking then and right after are endless. Theres no way her thoughts weren't racing in the minutes, maybe hours that followed that night. I know mine were in full swing. Maybe thats as close to a 'win' as ill get and in some ways, that I should view it that way and let it be. She verbally let out the 'last laugh' (in a very fake, pitiful manner) but its me who (literally) is moving forward and didn't look back.

What do you guys think or make of it? I called a good friend who knows the details and he assured me that was probably the best scenario that could've possibly happened. I couldn't really talk to her or go into what Ive been thinking these months as her family was there and it simply didn't happen. I still hurt obviously and even now theres some guilt of feeling like I laughed at this poor girl. Like I'm too good for her when thats not my attitude towards people, especially after depersonalizing a lot of the anguish I dealt with. She's broken, flat out. Its awful and its not her fault. But only she can work to free herself. And I don't see that happening. I don't really need the 'revenge' but maybe that was just the right thing to occur at just the right time. In some ways I'm convincing myself its best it happened that way. Seeing I was replaced and running into each other (which wouldve happened sooner or later) in back to back days, one fell swoop. Final nail in the coffin perhaps... .

I agree.  From what you describe, this does sound like a pretty ideal scenario.  I can remember the first time I saw my ex and I was a total anxious wreck.  He lurked outside the gym that I'd run into like a rabbit in headlights, and then he made a point of sitting in the exact spot I had been sitting when he walked past.  I'd been frozen to the spot when I saw him walk by and hoped he hadn't seen me, but he did a double take and turned around to walk past again.  My heart was in my throat.  Your situation sounds preferable.  There was no room for any lingering, any odd stalker like behaviour or any conversation.  You kept up your flow and seemed at least outwardly unwavered.  I'm not sure it could have gone any better.

As you say, perhaps it is apt that this happened in conjunction with your noting her new r/s.  Certainly better this way around too.  I know it's horrible and strange, but it has to happen eventually.  Once I'd moved past the initial shock and anxiety I was filled with relief to have gotten it over with.  Onwards and upwards.  It gets easier from here.

Love and light x