BPDFamily.com

Current setuation with a bit of recap; uBPDh opened a new business location in another state, 6 hrs away. Now and again it requires commuting. To make things complicated, uBPDh is highly suggestible and easily manipulated. Highly sensitive, afraid of potential conflicts, especially with people he isn’t close with emotionally. It’s very likely that uBPDh is also npd, this anyone stroking his ego, automatically becomes a powerful influence in his decisions and attitudes. UBPDh has a business partner with questionable values and morals. Going from cheating spouse to now covering his financials in order to avoid a pay out to his soon to be ex wife. My uBPDh travels for work with him, coming back a completely different person, with different morals and values and shovenistic mindset. Where everything has a price, and marriage is only a place of convenience and husband’s fulfilment. After many fights regarding him traveling alone with V. (Partner) I was able to carve out my niche, I come along on the trip only! If I travel separately. According to V. He needs to discuss things I shouldn’t hear during the trip (they see each other daily during the week, still can’t understand what is so secretive and pressing). My uBPDh doesn’t want to have a conflict with V., yet he is trying to placate me, so he is agreeing to me coming. I travel by train, while they drive in V.’s car.
Back to present, yesterday they had to go and fix an issue related to their business. I took the train. UBPDh picked me up from the station, while V. Waited in the office. We came back for V. And went out for late dinner to a fine dining establishment. Over the course of dinner I observed how almost “afraid” of V. My uBPDh is. When it comes to some form of displeasing V. UBPDh becomes highly apologetic and tries to placate V. (Huge departure from telling me to $&@“ off). After the dinner we all went to rental apartment. Slept over and had an overall uneventful breakfast together. UBPDh and V. Went on to work, I went to explore the city. After some hours I contacted uBPDh, he seemed busy and preoccupied, yet when I texted him if he is close to being done and planning to go home he replied “likely”. I asked V. The same thing, he confirmed that they are planning to head out tonight. He even asked me if I wanted to come and ride in the car with them. By then I already purchased my return ticket and was ready to board the train, so I politely declined. Fast forward, I’m almost home, so I texted uBPDh asking what was going on. Didn’t get a reply, the machinery related to their business is extremely noisy, so unless he has his phone in his hand, it’s impossible to hear. I texted V. Asking what time are they heading out. He replied that they are staying since it’s late (read he is practically homeless, in the midst of a divorce battle, living at his cottage fri to sun, and at his mom’s from mon to thurs) There is no one waiting for him to come back. I got upset, as I wouldn’t have left if I knew that they were staying. I made a decision as an adult, to catch the train since I was under impression of my uBPDh coming home. Ultimate question- it seems as if I’m chasing my tail. I’m trying to keep our family together so hard, almost fanatically. I’m making sucrifices leaving my home and my children almost on a moment notice just so he comes back as “their normal dad”. I’m really pushing through things, because I know how good we can be as a family, not when he idolizes me/kids, but how good he is at his baseline. How gentle and quiet soul he really is. But I’m loosing, seriously loosing to all the negativity, shovenistic attitudes he is adapting from his business partner. He comes back a doppelgänger of the man I love. I Can’t think of a way of creating a boundary that my husband wouldn’t listen to everything that V. Says, he is a much stronger influence on my uBPDh.

Are you really asking how you can control your husband and his business situation?

If that is not an accurate reflection of your question... please let me know exactly what you are trying to make work.

Here is the thing.  Big picture stuff.

Very very hard to control another person.  You can expend lots of energy and then they go off in another direction anyway.  Rightly so... .you feel upset and think you wasted that energy... which you did... .waste the energy.

Much much better to conserve the energy... .or spend the energy on yourself... .or spend the energy on communicating to your partner in a healthy way.

All of those are things you can control and are likely to get better return on your energy... .rather than spending energy on someone that you can't control... or that doesn't want to be controlled... or resents efforts to be controlled.

I'll hush... .what are your thoughts on this post.

FF

I reread my own posting and understand how you might get an impression of me fighting for control... .which I am... .what a revelation. It’s unsettling to see it through someone’s eyes. You shone a light, and I see a reflection of a frightened and very insecure young woman, who is afraid of her husband wondering off too far and not coming back. This expriration date feeling that I carry around for the past 16 years is being fueled by his recent change in the behaviour. For him, monkey sees monkey do. It’s not without a reason I fear that he will leave me and children to peruse after much younger woman, as he constantly tells me he can. Formflier, how do I stop this feeling of dread and impending doom? You are completely on point about me trying to control the uncontrollable.

So... .I could give you some really broad ideas on how to deal with the feeling, but those are likely to be ineffective... especially compared to the guidance and insight you could get through a trusting relationship with a therapist.

In the short run, while you are looking for a therapist, I would suggest being extra kind to yourself.  I would suggest taking time to journal.  It's ok to journal and say... why hubby did this... I felt this.  That DOES NOT mean he "caused" those feelings, although he obviously was involved. 

   

I'm sorry you are scared.  Scared... .frightened... .those are tough feelings to process, especially when there is a "basis in fact"... .as opposed to paranoia (that my wife sometimes experiences.)

"basis in fact" means you have real things you are observing.  In your case... .I'm pretty sure you are interpreting them correctly (sorry to say that).  I say that I agree with you because I've seen tons of guys like how you describe your hubby... .he is one way with you and another way with someone else.  Then he tries to bring "the other way" back home to you.

I suppose that a short term solution is to be succinct and clear that you do not want  to be around your hubby when his "that way" (be very descriptive of his actions... not his motivations).  Then let him sort it out... .while you go enjoy your own company.

I sometimes write too much... .my overwhelming main point is that sorting out your desire to control is likely beyond the scope of what is wise to accomplish online.  I'm seen a PhD level psychologist weekly for a long time... .this coming March will be two years. 

FF