BPDFamily.com

Just checking out the site for support and to learn more.  My son is 21 and not diagnosed with BPD but with ADHD and anxiety disorder and show symptoms... .I finally had to tell him he could not live with me unless he got treatment .  He has not spoken to me in over a year and still no treatment.  I'm heartbroken and any efforts I've made to reach out are met with abuse so I've stopped.

Hi faith69

Welcome to the community.  

I'm so sorry what brings you here, you've come to the right place for support, parents here understand, many in similar situations to you, you are not alone.   You are heartbroken, I'd be in your situation, it's so very tough when they can't help themselves, are abusive. What kind of behaviours have you been dealing with? Do you think he's projecting? Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way, to someone else
Members discuss projection here, let us know what you think - BPD Behaviours: Projection (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931)

I'm glad you've found us, we are here for you.

WDx

Hi faith69,

*hi*

I'd like to join wendydarling in welcoming you to the community. I'm glad you posted. You've found a great place to share and learn. The site has tons of tools that can help. Yours is such a difficult situation to be in. I fully understand feeling heartbroken. 

If you don't already know about it, I highly recommend trying the communication tool S.E.T. (https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/04.htm) when speaking with your son. It can really help to ratchet down conflict without sugar-coating things that need to be addressed.

Do you have supportive people in your life, faith69, such as a partner, family and friends, or a counselor?

Keep posting. It really helps to share.

heartandwhole

Thank u WD and H&W for he supportive welcome.  I think my son is definitely projecting.  I have been loving and patient and a guide and support to him while maintaining expectations related to values (expectation to work if not in school, no drugs in my home, etc.). Things like leaving a mess, curfew etc were most often let go in the spirit of choosing battles since any request was met with opposition.  I was always patient... .maybe part of the problem leading to estrangement? Long wick but when I get to the end I'm action oriented.

After the last blow up he called me a shady ___, accused me of stealing from my ex, him and my daughter (which if you knew me and my story you would understand is utterly ridiculous!). My ex and I met him at his dr apt that day to try to encourage him to see he needed help.  Son told the dr the most outrageous things about me I could not even recognize him ... .like he was in an alternate universe.  Unfortunately my ex who had been expressing his frustration with me about son and that ex had had it with him, in the dr office when son directed all his anger at me, ex sat as quiet as a mouse (flying under radar was how he survived his abusive father). I knew about triangulation and in that moment decided to step out of triangle.  I said if there was no treatment son could not live with me because nothing would change.  They both stared at me wide eyed and son said fine I will move out and has not spoken to me since. Lives with his dad now ruling the roost.   He has come on occasion for a family function and ignored me or called me by my first name.  He told my new partner that I am toxic and traumatized him and controlling.  My partner did comment that the things he was saying about me were mirrors of himself. 

The last time I reached out he told me to get ___ed... .I have stopped now.  I wonder if I found this site first I may have been able to avoid the falling out... .or maybe it was inevitable