BPDFamily.com

This is my first post, and I don't really know what to say. I believe my wife has undiagnosed BPD. She hides it from everyone but me, and her mom (who is either BP or BPD). We have two businesses, that I carry the weight of. We live where we work. She has problems with all of our employees that I constantly have to smooth over. She's finally in therapy (again), but for cPTSD/anxiety/depression, mainly EMDR, and I don't know that dealing with the trauma is going to help with the underlying personality issues. Some days I want to quit. I hover on the brink of losing a million dollar business I built from scratch, as I also hover on the brink of her leaving and trashing our business on the way out, or her committing suicide. Her best friend since childhood, a social worker/psychology major, didn't even know she dealt with depression/anxiety until last month she hides it so well. These thoughts are scattered because last night she kept me up from 2am-4am yelling at perceived slights. I've only told one of my friends, and my therapist, that I think she has BPD, because I honestly don't know who to seek help from.

   

Hello TryinginNC,

Welcome to bpdfamily.  I am sorry to hear of the burdens you are carrying, but glad you've found us.  It can be mind-bending to deal with someone who has issues that are often hidden from others, but not us.  Have you had a chance to take a look at the articles in the right-hand side bar?  They offer some useful tools for helping to cope and helping to avoid making things worse. 

Let me also ask how you came to believe your wife has BPD?  How did you learn of it?  What was your "aha" moment?

Finally, of the many problems you are facing, what is most urgent on your list to see some improvement on?  Definitely give me your answer, but let me suggest that protecting your sleep be high on your list (I know you know this, but it's easy to get discouraged at the difficulty of tackling this problem).

Being able to set boundaries can be difficult, but is an especially important skill to practice.  To learn more about boundaries, you might want to visit this page (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries) on setting boundaries, this thread on scripts for setting boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=94125.20), and this thread on boundary setting examples (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368).

WW

Hi TryinginNC,

I want to echo Wentworth's welcome! Oh my, you are carrying a lot on your shoulders here! That must feel very overwhelming - glad you have some support via therapy. Has your wife recently threatened suicide? Ever attempted it? Is there a way, and would you want, to help step back from the work part of things? Is the work stress too much for her?

wishing you peace, ~pearlsw.

Hi trying, your post title says it all.     It IS exhausting dealing with such dynamics in your life.  And although you are quite capable and strong as an individual (to be able to be successful in business), there IS a limit of what you can juggle at any given time.

It is great your wife is seeing a T.  It might not matter on the reasons, if it helps with the behaviors.  There is time for that to sort out.

First you have to take care of yourself.  You are exhausted.  FIX THAT.  (I know, easy to say... .)  Are you getting enough sleep?  I know there was a long stretch where I was not.  So I even moved out of the bedroom to avoid the before bed drama, which allowed me then to structure in a bedtime routine that gave me a solid 8 hours of sleep.  Lack of sleep will hurt both your physical but also mental health.

Are you eating properly?  Alcohol or drug or other self soothing mechanisms under control?  Do you have healthy escape hobbies you can spend time on?

Are you getting regular exercise?

Are you spending time with people that GIVE you energy, not drain it? 

That is a lot, and will take some time to get into place.  But by fixing any of these that are lacking, is prioritizing YOU and your own fundamental health.  From there you can then help others, or take the next step in developing skills to deal with the relationship.

Read read read the lessons and advice on these boards.  There are skills you can adopt, practice, and develop that really do help with the dynamics in the moment.  It will take a while, so again first step is taking care of yourself and getting your strength back.  Then second step is 'stop making things worse'.