BPDFamily.com

I feel like I always have to reintroduce myself because I go such long periods of time without posting, and I'm sorry for that. Even ten years later, almost, I have a connection to this board. You guys got me through so much and saw me through a lot of growth and healing.  I think I'm just going to dive right into how I've been feeling for a while and a decision I made a while back.

Yeah, after escaping my BPDex and her mother back in 2010, I still had the ups and downs.  Most of the women I've dated since then have been really bad. I mentioned one girl in my last post on these boards, she and her brother, controlling and materialistic, can't take no for an answer and always has to be right. "Says it like it is" and thinks everyone loves her because of that, when in reality it seemed like people always say that just to avoid starting a fight with her... .well, that's not the first of the "bad girls" I've had to go through.

The first one was this girl I met online (you'd think I would have learned my lesson from my ex, who I also met online, right?) ended up being a catfish stringing along a bunch of different guys. Then I dated someone who was also dating a bunch of guys because she didn't know who to be exclusive with, which I guess wasn't as bad.  Another was clingy, and of course there's the "friend-zone" thing which makes no sense to me. Where they're like "We're just too much like friends" (I mean, isn't that the point of a relationship? Isn't the other supposed to be like your best friend, or are relationships these days meant to be nothing more than once in a while sex and pleasure?).   I've been manipulated, lied to, cheated on, abused, you name it I've dealt with it almost like I've been cursed by the worst of all my exes... .

Then as I look around, I see more and more failed relationships in this current generation. It seems like no one is capable of making a relationship last anymore, no one wants to even put forth the effort to make it work. The minute something goes wrong, it's over.    Most of the time I see women who want to be showered in praise and put on a pedestal without doing any work at all in a relationship, and then I'm reminded of those that I've dated... .I know I haven't "met the right one", but it just all seems so pointless to me anymore. I don't want to let myself get hurt again, that's true, but more than that, I think I've just stopped believing in relationships. I think I've just stopped believing that relationship can even last anymore.

Overall, I find that I'm much happier being single. I've been happier that way, and I don't care much for society that says "oh you'll change your mind" or "You can't be happy being single" and then there's the whole "You'll find someone one day".   I'm almost 30, if I believed that I would find someone or even the "right one", I'd put myself out there again. I don't feel like I care anymore. I don't even feel like I have a romantic bone in my body either, I don't know HOW to be romantic. I don't know HOW to have a "healthy relationship".   The ones I've dated weren't as serious as the actual ex, and of course we all know THAT relationship was far from healthy... .

I'm sorry this seems like one long rant, or even a vent. I just wanted to get my thoughts out, share them I suppose.   Yeah, I'd still love to have a lasting, healthy relationship, but I don't see any sign or indication that anyone in this generation can make one last or even want to put forth any effort that would suggest not running at the first sign of trouble.  I've been burned, badly, and I don't want to go through all that I've gone through again-so yeah that is part of it, but as indicated, not the whole thing... .

I guess that's my thoughts that I just wanted to share a bit of.

I relate to this even in friendships.   No one wants to work on anything.  I have this constantly happen to me where I will do ONE thing wrong after all the time of being good and they drop me.  

My ex did the same thing. I even told her in the beginning of our relationship how people did that to me.  Guess she forgot about that.  I started talking to one of the people she dated and she told me we couldn't try to be friends anymore.  

I mean really?  

So now I have been doing that with others because I don't trust that they will stay in my life anyway.  What's even the point of making friends?

Alone is good.  I'm learning to love myself again after my relationship with my ex, but I'm also learning from others you're not allowed to have feelings or stand up for yourself.  

It always seems like a one way street with people.  I'm not allowed to make any mistakes, but yet here I am always forgiving others mistakes because I understand BEING HUMAN.  Most people don't get that, and only care about themselves in the end.

Generally though,  a lot of them have come back in my life.  It just takes them a while to realize they were wrong.

Do you think that you've exhausted the venues where you might meet eligible women? Volunteering opportunities,  church? 4 billion women on the planet... .

That being said,  at 46 with two little kids,  I sympathize with your overall mindset.

My T encouraged me to get out there,  but he also observed that I had "wounds." He also said that anyone I met would also have their own wounds, the unspoken implication being that I needed to be accepting of that. 

I feel the same way. Its not that I don't want to be in a relationship but after two uBPD relationships Ive lost interest in putting myself through it again. I'm happily single now. Probably the happiest Ive been in many many years.

I feel that being advised to get back out there dating is bad advice. I did that when my wife left me. That's how I ended up with my uBPD exgf. I wasn't ready for it and felt that society expected me to be in a relationship. I hadn't found peace.

I look at my friends and theres not one relationship that makes me wish I was in one. They all have their problems, they all have their complaints and they all tell me how lucky I am not having the stress. Yes there may be the one out there for me but I'm not going to stress about meeting her. If it happens it happens. Until then I will remain happily single.

LOL you could of not said that more accurately. Same.

you can learn. but it takes work.

and if i told you that a healthy and happy relationship (many of them, really) is out there for you, the question would become is it worth it to you to do the work? no right or wrong answer i suppose.

you and i are about the same age. after my relationship with my uBPDex i continued making what id call objectively dumb dating choices. i carried with them some of my old baggage. essentially, i kept bumping up into the same results.

i didnt decide that the problem was with everyone else and not me. its true, that at our age, the pool of healthy, choice mates is narrowing, and will get narrower, and its true that there are many difficult/toxic people out there, but as Turkish said, there are four billion women.

i decided first to learn more about me, to be more mindful of my shortcomings (or even just realities) then to develop some more workable strategies, with some new tools in my tool belt to navigate, and then to learn more about people and relationships in general. the results paid off.

i think that after being wounded, we lose trust in ourselves, trust in the rest of the world, and i can certainly sympathize with the notion that it seems better to avoid the pain. i dont, however, think its realistic, and besides, thats precisely the mentality i had before i hopped into a relationship with my ex. as human beings we are wired for bonding. difficult people and circumstances are everywhere, we cant escape them, and "good" people are everywhere too. living in avoidance and fear isnt living our true potential or experiencing the riches of life that we are entitled to, and it doesnt heal our wounds and pain; its a double bind because it makes us emotionally unavailable to healthy others, too.

there are three paths, really. the first is just to continue doing what we are doing even after it has stopped serving us and begins to work against us. one takes work, but frees us from "the chains that bind", puts us in charge, and expands our opportunities. one guarantees isolation, loneliness, woundedness, hurt, baggage, pain.

Not sure if this is helpful but gonna try anyway.

Personally have given up on dating cause I feel too jaded.  Another thing is I find it important to be content solo, just a personal philosophy thing there.  However, I did not want to feel I was not dating as a matter of avoidance, as dating is a PIA sometimes.

I found a kind of in between thing to do.  Instead of meeting up with guys with the intention of a relationship and gaining a boyfriend, I decided to meet up with guys simply to hang out, no expectations, and see if I can hang and enjoy myself.  I have been using an online dating website and simply stating I want “friends.”  I tell them I am a wee awkward and just seeking making friends to get over this issue a bit.  (I too falter in the romance department often.  It confuses men that I am not so mushy like other gals... .imo, it is an INTJ thing... .but whatever.)

I am actually finding this quite a likable experience now that I got through some of the kinks in this method.  I hit the brakes on stuff as we are just saying hello, so that the pace is super slow, and expectations are super low.  My expectation is simply to enjoy a few hours of time with another person.  When that person is no longer enjoyable, well, I spend time with someone else and try again to find a friend.  

I guess I am approaching it as a “self growth” social experience vs a “finding a long term relationship tool.”

Personally, I cannot talk to more than two people at a time because I get mixed up on their info.  So currently I have a new best friend, and a new casual friend to meet up with about once a month or so when there is a local event of mutual interest.

There have also been some guys that were complete disasters, but since we kept the pace in the friend zone from the beginning, things have not been getting too messy. (Except for guys who are not listening and not believing or not relating well to the whole “friends first” or “friends only” thing... .which imo, is like a wonderful natural selection happening for me!). I’m thinking that the nature of folks meeting with a ton of expectations causes lots of complications, idk, just my thought.  Anyway tho, not sure what is possible being a male as it is way different meeting gals online I hear.  So idk if this is moot from the other side as a strategy for moving slower without all the “relationship” complications.  Or maybe something relevant, idk.

Dating can be a PIA, I agree. I found if you make sure you know you, it is the best place to start.

As for online dating... .what a can of worms. A lot of pre-screening and putting your best foot forward, showing your 'good' qualities is how you get responses; but at times attracts the wrong type. I have found a good way to online dating is trying the people with the boring profiles. Who doesn't want someone is honest, fun, adventurous, loyal, intelligent, etc.? Those things are givens and I have learned to veer away from such profiles expressing as much. Having two children 50% of the time can make dating difficult. I have had a few really nice people walk away because of it. I respect those choices.

Now, I'm not dating currently either or at least trying to dating in finding a relationship. Mostly, there is so much I want to do and very little time. I am fine by it. Yet there are plenty of good individuals who are available. I have seen them and met them. Going slower, I would gander that it is worth the process in finding the correct match.