BPDFamily.com

Hello
I am struggling with my 89 year old sister who is we believe is  BPD.  One day you are a hero and you can do no wrong and  elevated to Saint Hood, this can last for a few months or more then you are the worst person on earth and don't deserve to live.  She has been this way her entire life.  I am the youngest of 5 children all of whom are deceased except for my sister and me.  There is 18 years difference in our ages.  Really I never lived with her and do not have a real relationship with her.  It is really impossible to have a relationship with her of any kind.  She has been a thorn in the family  for as long as I can remember. All my brothers and sisters were no longer talking to her at all when they died.  They could not take it.   My situation now is that I have learned to set strong boundaries.  However with Christmas approaching.  I am at a loss as to what to do.  She was in an accident and in a rehab center for 3 months recovering from a broken leg.  While in rehab she was behaving quite nicely, for her anyway.  Once she got home it is a different story.  She has very little money to live on and needs a lot of help.  I called her church to help her they responded and as I said she uses the telephone as a weapon and so for whatever reason she called me on a Saturday night and with her nasty, horrible voice starts right out ripping me a new one.  I got about 2 seconds into it and hung up.  I have done this over and over with her.  When I hear that voice I hang up nothing good is going to come from that phone call. She doesn't say I would like to talk to you about something or how are you never it starts out like a voice from hell.   Now we face the Christmas season and honestly I am sick and tired of this after all these years .  I don't care if I talk her again honestly she brings nothing into my life of any substance.  She robs me of my peace and sets me on an emotional roller coaster ride.  It is always about her and her life and how awful her life is etc.  So without going on and on I wonder if anyone had any suggestions for me .  I really am tired of this.  Nothing is ever right, nothing is ever good enough, no matter what I do it is never enough and I just wait to get that nasty phone call.  Thankfully she lives in 1200 miles away from me but like I said she uses the phone as a weapon. Everyone is against her, she doesn't have any friends in the retirement community she lives in she has thrown them all under the bus.  She is unbearably negative.   I don't want to send her a Christmas gift but I feel bad about that.  I thought if I did send her a gift of money for Christmas as I always do I would need to write a letter stating my intention to not take her calls if she is not nice and to let her know that I am doing the card as in the spirit of Christmas and I am not happy with her treatment of me which I do not deserve. She NEVER apologizes EVER.  So when she decided to get over whatever is bugging her and calls me nicely , it just goes on as nothing happened.  I never speak my mind to her so as to try to avoid  ww 3 with her . But I do think she needs to know how I feel,.,  The problem is she LOVES to engage an argument.  it seems to bring her to life and she feels comfortable arguing and yelling.  ? After all this time I now feel if I do need to say  something I have to tell her that I am not going to take her verbal abuse anymore.  
 All of my family had the same problem with her but now I am left alone to deal with her. I don't know if it would do any good most likely not but I need to say it.  She just can't keep calling me and verbally abusing me and then in 4 months call as though nothing happened and we pick up where we left off with me waiting for the next shoe to drop . Any comments would be appreciated.  Thank you

Hi more than done

Being subjected to verbal abuse isn't pleasant at all. You believe your sister has BPD, do you know if she has ever been in therapy for any of her issues?

Having strong boundaries is indeed very important when dealing with BPD family-members. One thing I would advise to keep in mind, is that boundaries don't necessarily have to be verbally expressed. You can also express them through your actions which then signal your boundaries and your willingness to enforce/defend those boundaries.

To help you deal with her hostile communications and to help stay out of circular arguments, I encourage you to look at these two tools:

Avoiding circular arguments --> Don't J.A.D.E.: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0)

Dealing with hostile communications --> Keep it B.I.F.F.: Brief, Informative, Friendly (well at least not unfriendly as in civil), Firm (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0)

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