BPDFamily.com

Hello,

Just want to post what happened to me recently, I frankly didn't know if my ex-gf have personality disorders or anything but upon reading, I noticed similarities. I better start telling just so I have an outlet I guess.

I met her in an online game, physically from opposite sides of the world. I am the leader in my group and I've dealt with people who have issues in-game and I guess by the time she came I'm a bit stressed out. She was also involved in a "drama" with one of the guy that I'm tired of dealing with and from my point of view, the guy kind of ignoring her. Being leader, I feel bad about it and tried to include her when I am doing daily stuff and so that way we got to know each other.

It went on for almost 6 months. We did get to know each other personally and occasionally voice and video calls but most of our daily interactions was via chats. We exchange names, birthdays, address, phone numbers, pictures and personal life stories. I am older than her by 12 years, her being 19, so I am incredibly patient with her. We do get some issues but it's not as bad that it ends up in a screaming match or all caps messages. Most of our free-time involved hanging out inside the game but we already scheduled a date of my one week visit to her so we can get to know each other properly.

The end comes very abruptly, one day she just ask for my permission to allow her to transfer server as she said a friend, who is feeling alone cause her parents are divorcing and abusive, wants her to be there. Of course I questioned the logic of that story but at that time I just agreed cause I have no way of proving if it is true or not. Besides I'm at the point of the relationship that I am comfortable with me not seeing her in-game cause we have other ways to communicate and I trust her and her feelings for me. However, that said friend did not appear on her social account made for the game instead she's hanging out with other people. It's not alarming for me cause I am just happy she's not alone. Then one day, she asked me that she wants a break, not breaking-up, just that she needed one. Her meaning of break, "something that people here do, not tell that they are together". For me, it was the end so I told her I will give her space and won't contact her unless she reached out to me. Inside I was devastated. I know it was over but not even a day after, she message me with a long sweet letter like she's not leaving and not breaking up etc. We made up and it's a good 24 hours. I decided to craft a letter for her as well, and she mentioned it made her speechless but in a good way. Though by the end of that day she broke up with me. Saying I love you and even though she's hurting, she's letting me go. I tried to keep her of course but she said she showed a paragraph of my letter to 3 people and they all concluded that I am emotionally abusive and a manipulator. That accusation cause me to back down. We ended it but I heard from a mutual friend that she's ranting on her during the time our breakup is happening cause I was not willing to let her go.

I did chase her during the week, I admit my mistake now, like sending letters. She responds that she wants to find herself as she was forgetting to eat etc cause she's so involved in our relationship. I find it hard to believe as I don't really text her every hour of the day as I do have other things to do as well. I have never accused her of finding someone or cheating but somehow in her responses she includes that and also the "maybe let's see what the future brings" that, at first, gives me hope that reconciliation is possible. She changed though, abruptly, like the person I know is longer there and replaced by this cold person. I was blocked from her social account and the only way she's leaving communication is through messaging app that we are using.

It's so hard after the breakup that I was so down, talking about it with online friends and co-workers helps a bit but I found no joy in playing that game cause it reminds me of our time together. I wanted honesty out of her cause I have been honest with her all the time. I did sent the letter to our friends (who knows us both), and they couldn't find anything abusive with the letter. One even said she'll be flattered if someone wrote her that. So that's confusing for me. Still I crave answers and closure of sorts. We did found out she got someone else on that server and it happened during the period near the end of the relationship and they were officially together sometime or maybe right after she ended it with me. We also know that she is telling people on that server that I am a manipulator. Our mutual friend confronted her about it, trying to get her to be honest, but she keeps on evading as she reasoned everything will reach me in the end. Our mutual friend had enough and called her a "two-faced selfish manipulating ___". she got unfriended as well along with some other people.  

At that point, I was doing NC so when she message me and complaint about our mutual friend, I just ask her what happened, waiting for her to elaborate what they fought about. I am pretending I didn't know about the other guy just waiting for her to say it. She told me there is nothing to tell but she's done with them. I asked her if she's cutting off communication with me as well but she said not you. That was about almost 2 weeks ago and no messages since. I think she's busy with that other guy.

I typed this in a rush and I'm willing to elaborate more if needed. I just don't know how to makes sense about this roller coaster that she did and it is emotionally draining. I still can't get her out of my mind and I think I need all the help I can get.

Other infos that I ignored before:

- she said her parents are divorced
- she did mention she have chronic depression
- she mentioned her ex from time to time and said her ex is emotionally abusive
- she'll suddenly be quiet and said she suffered from anxiety and depression and will blame past memories, said it just happened suddenly and no control about it
- she said she's satisfied with her life now, but she got issues with her supervisor at work and frequently rants about that
- at her lows she always said she done things she's not proud of and people always left her cause of it
- she said she self-harm
- had issues with her mom, blaming her for the divorce but I believe her mom loves her (based from a pic of a note her mom wrote that she sent me), complains that she does everything at the house and her brother was not held accountable with regards to chores
- chase/give that guy who ignored her some expensive in-game item, lied about it to me
- said her brother is autistic and never treated her like a sibling
- there's this one episode that I woke up to 3 missed calls and a message from her (midnight her time) that said her brother forcefully entered her room with a knife but she only got a scratch and police are there, her brother spend the night in jail. When I asked her, she said her brother come home in the morning and apologize to her. I didn't press the issue as I don't want to upset her and triggered another of her episodes. I did learn that she's online when that happened and with 2 of our friends. Of course they are alarmed and tried their best to find out if she's ok and one of them told her to at least tell me about it. At some point though they are speaking to another person through her account, claiming to be a friend and comforting her, but that friend keeps asking for that other guy (let's call him D). Like where is D and how come he didn't care about her etc. That successfully confused both our friends but they didn't tell me that until after the breakup.

Hi flash101,  

*welcome*


We’re not professionals and can’t diagnose. What we can look at are BPD traits, a lot of members have exes that are subclinical according to Skip.

BPD is a spectrum disorder, many pwBPD have different traits and severity of the disorder as well.

Read as much as you can about BPD. It will help you in two different ways. There’s a reason why your exe acts the way that she does - her mood is intense and erratic but there’s a fundamental reason why she acts the way she does.

There’s a lot of internet lore and hyperbole, read material from accredited sources it will help you with normalizing the behaviour and to depersonalize the behaviour become i different to the behaviours, you neither like it or hate it. One day you can look back and maybe laugh at some of the things that she did.


You met her through the game, the friend is probably the other guy and she didn’t want you to see them interact on in game chat or talking over the microphone.


A central feature of the disorder is fear of abandonment, a lot of the behaviour revolves around this. A pwBPD will frantically avoid abandonment even if it’s not real - cognitive distortions.

Try to imagine being in a relationship and you’re feeling anxiety over being abandoned, you keep thinking that your partner is going to leave. It’s irrational thoughts but in order to avoid abandonment a pwBPD will create exit strategies while in the r/s.  So a pwBPD will try to find new prospects.

It sounds to me like she’s not 100% sure about this new guy and she wants you st arms length in case of their r/s not working out. I think that’s why she was overly nice to you in the letter she doesn’t want to burn bridges.


A pwBPD have distorted thinking and will change reality to match their out of place feelings. She’s playing in the same game, same servers, talking to somebody else, there has t be guilty feelings attached to that because she’s not being honest. She’s doing it for her survival.

I completely understand how much it hurts when we show dignity, respect and honesty to our girlfriend and then they advantage of our good nature. She doesn’t necessary have to have the sane values as you, they are your values and if their not aligned with her you’re going to have friction. I’m telling you to compromise your values I’m just telling you that other peoples values may not match yours exactly - that’s Ok. How we interpreted things in life is not necessarily interpreted the same way as someone else.

Anyways, she probably didn’t show the letter to her friends. If it didn’t make sense to you it won’t make sense to others. She’s blame shifting, she’s altering reality to mask her true feelings. She can blame and project all that she wants it doesn’t mean that you have to take that on. You’re not responsible for someone else’s feelings.

It helps to talk to others going through the same thing as you. You’re not alone. I know that it’s hard when you a lot to talk about and wish that family and friends get it, we get it here. I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts. Hang in there.

I definitely agree with it. I admit I have no idea about BPD until after this and I consider myself lucky stumbling to this site. In a way it's been helping me moved on.


Yes he is that guy that replaced me. I got to know cause a friend followed her social media account after she blocked me and there all the information that she didn't want me to see including calling me a manipulator. Prior to me, her ex is the abuser. Just that based on what she told me about her life experience, it seems she's surrounded by abusers.


Now that I think about this, it is correct. The first time I willingly back off and maybe that's why she chased me but the second time around, I guess I was still reeling from the 1st one just recently and let my emotions rule me cause I don't really want to lose her.


Thank you for this. I am at the point where I am realizing what happened and even though my friends are very supportive, I just feel that they don't understand. I kind of help me when I read experiences of people here as I can relate to most of them. She was never verbally violent to me but I know for a fact that she can be different when she's really angry.

I am processing how best to move forward as I do miss her and still love her. I was so down low during the week of the breakup and I consider it an achievement to manage to stay afloat at least now. I just never thought the person who said she love me so much can hurt me this much.

I would post more as time permits. Thanks for the encouragement. I definitely needed them.