BPDFamily.com

Hi All,
   I was reading some older posts today (from 2013-2015) and one post totally struck me. It was in regards to the friendships you had during your relationship and the friendships you have after (now). Do you miss the "friendships" you had with people who stayed friends with your ex over you? Would you say you have better friendships now or were they better back then? The same?

***Please note: these questions are for people who have been out of their relationships at least a year***

I can honestly say my friendships are a heck of a lot healthier now than they were back then. Anyone who stayed a friend with both of us is more or less a "fringe" Facebook friend at best. Some who "fell off" as friends completely are actually pretty unhealthy people mentally who enable my ex and are willing to let her ignore them for 6-8 mo at a time only to surface when she needs something.
Their friendship is NOT reciprocal. I wouldn't even call it friendship really.

Once in my relationship, my ex dumped me and I knew no one else who was gay. I forced myself to go to a meetup where I met a woman and her roommate.
Those two are now my best friends.

When my ex came back she tried to tell me she was leaving me for one of these women (after I introduced them and one asked her to grab a beer and watch a football game). I did not know them well and almost wrote them off. I was completely blaming this new friend. One is very flirty and that is just her personality.

My ex really was a piece of work.

Anyways, these people stood by me through everything... .the ruminations, the talking about my ex over and over and over. They looked out for me. They invited me to things to keep my mind off my ex.

Rarely does my ex surface in a conversation nowadays unless I bring it up. Last year my ex unfriended these people on FB after not having spoken to them for over three years.

It's really interesting to me because when I look at the four people I was closest to during that time, one wrote me off, one betrayed me and the other two I've come to see have serious issues. I really think I'm in a better place with much better people in my life.

Hey PW, Agree, those who remain have become better friends.  Those who dropped me were not really friends, anyway.  I've been separated from my Ex for 7 years, divorced for 4 years, and it's interesting to look back and see those who treated me like kryptonite, and those who saw things in a broader perspective and accepted me, despite our divorce.   It was a winnowing process that was painful, yet as you suggest I now have much better friendships with those who remained.

LuckyJim

mutual friends siding with one party or the other is the natural consequence of a breakup - any breakup. its messy, and they tend to go where their loyalty lies.

it hurts because often we feel as if their loyalty should lie with us. we feel wronged, and anyone who sides with someone who we feel wronged us, we lump them in.

i had a particular mutual friend who introduced us to each other. she once had this conversation with me, where she told me if the two of us broke up, her loyalty would lie with me, as we had known each other longer. i messed up during the relationship (sent an inappropriate message to another gal, and got caught doing it) and the mutual friend sided with my ex. it was sort of a no brainer when that happened, their friendship was actually much deeper, though it certainly felt unjust and i was angry and hurt by it.

the karpman drama triangle applies here. it hurts because we make it about us and our expectations of people who at the end of the day have different loyalties. i dont think the answer is to paint them black, or to paint white the ones that sided with us. i think the answer is to accept it for what it is, as much as it sucks, to grieve that friendship, and move on with our lives.

Agree w/that, once removed.  I don't hold it against anyone who sided with my Ex.  Just find it interesting to see how the wheat separates from the chaff, in a natural way.  LJ